Her lips thin into a straight line. “You think it would be better because we have more experience now?”
Regret slices through me like a hot knife. I’m the reason she has more experience. It’s my fucking fault that she’s been with other men.
“Katie.” I pause, trying to find the words to tell her that I don’t want to look into the past. I want to focus on what’s in front of me right now and I want her to do the same thing.
Her eyes lock on mine. “There were a lot, weren’t there? It’s been five years. You’ve slept with a lot of women since we…”
“Katie.” Her name escapes me in a growl. “Stop.”
“I’ve been with a few men.” Her gaze drops. “Just a handful. All of them here in New York.”
Christ. Please, fucking stop.
“We don’t have to do this.” I quiet her with a soft kiss to her lips. “We don’t.”
“How many, Gage?” Her lips tremble against mine. “Just tell me how many.”
I kiss her again, deeper this time. I taste her breath, slide my tongue along hers and claim her with my mouth the way I’ve wanted to for the past five years.
“Please,” she whispers as the kiss breaks. “I have to know.”
I gather her close to me, tucking her head under my chin the way I did when I needed her to know the profound depth of my love for her.
My arms circle her. Her hands rest against my back.
“Why won’t you tell me?” She sighs.
I lean back so I can look down into her hazel eyes. “Because you’ll understand just how fucked up I’ve been.”
Compassion swims in her gaze. “I want to understand. How many?”
I swallow back my hesitation and answer the question. “None, Katie. The last time was with you.”
***
Her eyes search mine for something. She’s looking for a sign that I’m speaking the truth.
The fact that my cock is hard as stone should be her first clue that I haven’t fucked a woman in half a decade.
I tried.
Jesus, did I try.
I never got past a kiss or a handful of a clothed tit.
Not one of the women I’ve met since I left California could compare to my Katie.
It wasn’t a conscious choice to abstain from sex, but that’s the journey I took.
I jerked off almost daily to the mental images I stored of Katie’s naked body, or her mouth on my cock.
I fucked my hand thinking about being inside her tight pussy.
It was enough because it had to be.
I don’t know how long I could have maintained it, but I never thought far ahead. I got through each day with the hope that I’d find her again.
“You haven’t been with a woman?” Tears well in the corner of her eyes. “Gage… I don’t know what… are you serious?”