I turned her down.
Not because I didn’t want company, but because I knew I was in bad shape. I was a bit buzzed, emotionally distraught, and she just looked so damn pretty that I knew I’d make a giant ass out of myself and either try to seduce her in order to feel better, or end up weeping on her shoulder. Maybe both.
At this point, it was a toss-up.
I still felt pissed. I still felt angry, but that’s the thing about feelings. They don’t have to force you to make choices you know may sound good at night but ruin you come morning.
So I went to bed — by myself.
I punched my pillow a few times, letting the alcohol soothe my nerves as I closed my eyes. Sleep. Sleep would cure everything. With a sigh, I let myself fall off the ledge into a deep slumber.
I would have followed her anywhere.
It’s funny isn’t it? People claim to know what love is — yet the minute they’re given the opportunity to prove it — they bail.
I wish I could have bailed. I wish I could have walked away four years ago, then maybe I’d have the strength to walk away now. To look her in the eyes and say, “Sorry, but I can’t do this again.”
People rarely mean what they say. To me, sorry was just another word in the English language that people misused, just like love.
I love ice cream, I love pancakes, I love the color blue — bullshit, because when I said love — I meant I bled for you. When the word love actually leaves my lips — I’m speaking it into existence. I’m empowering my soul — I’m joining with yours.
I’d always heard about crossroads, how people are given choices in their lives, choices that either make or break them. I never realized that I’d be given that second chance. I never realized I’d fail to take it.
Her eyes pleaded with mine. My heart shattered in my chest, my lips moved to speak — to say anything to get her to understand the depth of what I was feeling, but I knew the minute I told her how I felt — it would be all over with.
My heart, my soul, it couldn’t survive anything happening to her. If she wasn’t in my world, my heart would stop. I knew it was killing her — because it was destroying me.
But going back to that life.
Even for her.
Was out of the question.
Falling in love, jumping out, even knowing full well that she’d catch me. It wasn’t an option. Because everyone knows, when it comes to love, it’s not the fall that hurts… it’s the landing. And I knew it was only matter of time before she gave up on me too and allowed me to break.
Because in the end… that’s all I was — broken. A shell of a human.
“I don’t understand!” She beat against my chest with her fists, “You promised me! You promised you’d never leave!” Tears streamed down her face, the face I used to love. I closed my eyes then looked behind me as Saylor clenched the keys in her hand, waiting for my decision.
I was at a crossroads all right. One path led to my future — the other to my past and utter self destruction.
I couldn’t look at her. I ignored every thread of feeling — and relished the pain of my heart breaking into a million pieces as I held out my hand in front of me, “You’re right, I promised.”
“Gabe!” Saylor yelled from behind me. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Don’t you see?” I said quietly without turning around. “It’s always been like this. It will always be like this. I warned you.”
“But—”
“Enough.” I yelled, tears threatening to stream down my face. “I said enough. You should go.”
I heard the door slam behind me.
“It’s okay!” she said, cupping my face. “It will finally be okay!”
“Alright, Princess.” I choked on the word. “Alright.” I tightened the pink scarf around her neck and put my arm around her.
“Thanks.” She sighed happily. “You always promised you’d take care of me. You can’t leave. You can’t—”