“At first I didn’t talk about them because it was painful. Eventually, I let them go, let go of the idea of what a relationship with my sisters or mother was supposed to look like. You know, those dreams you have of spending summers together, watching our kids play as we reminisce over our own summers. I let go of those expectations so I could live in and enjoy what I did have.
“An amazing husband who loved me and showed me his love every day, and the best son any person could ask for. For me, having Emilio and Rourke was worth losing everyone else. I’ve never regretted my decision. Although from what Jane said, my mother might have. Whatever happens, I don’t just want to do this alone, I need to do this alone. I’ll talk to Rourke about it tonight then first
thing tomorrow, I’ll leave.”
“Okay, I don’t like you going alone, but okay.”
Cheryl chuckles. “Careful, dear, you sound just like Rourke. I’m tired. I think I’ll have a nap a little early today. Can you call Patricia to let her know about tomorrow, and for let’s say the next two weeks?”
“I will.” Two weeks...I hope Rourke calls soon, because I’m out of my depth.
I almost miss the call I was waiting for as I’m swimming, in an effort to work out some of my agitation.
“Hey, I’m so glad you called.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Your mom is talking about going to see her mother who it kind of sounds like is dying, alone.”
“Shit.” He sighs heavily. “I’m not happy but I’m not surprised by it. I also know short of tailing her, she will stick to her guns.”
Huh, we are beginning to sound alike. “There’s no way to talk her out of it?”
“Where her family is concerned she’s immovable, not even my dad could get her to soften on the subject. If she needs us, she’ll ask.”
“Ugh, I hate this. I already feel like I’m failing your mom, and I can’t even do this for her.”
“What? Why in the world do you think you’re failing her? She loves you. I haven’t seen her as happy as she’s been in close to a year.”
“I’m glad, really, to hear it, but what about when I’m gone? I want to know she’ll have something to make her happy. Whether it’s a book club, or a new hobby. I’ve even suggested an animal, which has turned so many of my past patients around, but she’s allergic.” He’s quiet for so long I wonder if the call dropped. “Rourke?”
“Yeah, look, let Mom do what she needs to do. I have to go. I’ll see you tonight.” The call is over before I even know what’s going on. Did he sound mad? He’s never ended a call so abruptly before. I stare at my phone, wishing I could call him back. I’ll talk to him tonight about it.
***
Rourke
The minute I hang up with Olivia I’m up pacing my office. My chest is churning violently to the point I press my hand against it, trying to get it to stop. I close my eyes, trying to gain control over the turmoil Olivia set off inside me when she talked about the time after she was gone. No. How could she even think like that? She knew, had to know she was mine. I keep what’s mine; she wasn’t going any fucking where.
As I force my breathing to even out, the damn little voice inside tells me I’m being selfish. It was wrong to keep her, to let her love me when she’ll lose me soon. My eyes go to the email I received from my doctor just yesterday. It was simply a follow-up to everything we discussed. If there was something he missed telling me or any further questions I might have, I could simply respond to the email.
He wants me to stop taking the blood pressure medication—the reason for the moments of lightheadedness I’ve been having is because my blood pressure was too low. Then he urged me to keep doing whatever I was doing to keep the pressure down. The only thing different between now and the last time I went to the doctor is Olivia. Okay, I wasn’t working twelve-hour days, or up until all hours of the night, but that was so I could get home to Olivia and fall asleep with her in my arms.
Remembering yesterday, when I stepped out of the shower and had a moment where I was lightheaded, I shiver from the fear. For a moment everything went still inside me; once could be shrugged off, but this was the second time in a week. My blood ran cold at what it could mean. I broke into a cold sweat. No, not now, not when everything was so fucking perfect. Olivia...I had just found her, I couldn’t lose her so soon.
With trembling hands I dried myself off and fought to control the fear threatening to consume me. Call the doctor—it was all that played over and over in my head as I walked back into our room, hers and mine. She was still asleep, so I picked up the phone and called the doctor. Within minutes I was advised I could come right in, they would fit me in at the beginning of his shift.
For the first time in years I didn’t even think about missing my workout. I dressed in a hurry and sped to the office less than five miles away. The nurse put the blood oxygen reader on my finger and took my blood pressure, then tilted her head even as she wrote down the number, then took it again from my other arm. Fear had the words coming out harshly. “What, what is it?”
Her eyes widened. “Your blood pressure is low. Eighty-five over fifty-seven. Nothing to be too concerned about, especially as you’re on blood pressure medication. The doctor will likely just want to have you stop taking it. Let me get your temp real quick.”
She took my temp, and as she was writing it down my doctor came in. Otis Ward has been my doctor since I came back from Afghanistan. The guy is only eight years older than me and was patient with my concerns. When I asked for all the tests, he shrugged and said he was good to order the tests, he could understand why with my family history. However, like my mother, since everything came back fine he’s been trying to get me to trust in the proof of the tests. I’m perfectly healthy, and there’s nothing in my tests to indicate I couldn’t live well into my nineties.
“Okay, let’s get your A1c like you always want. One minute.” He does the prick, takes the blood then goes to the door and calls for a nurse, who takes it from him. “All right, Rourke, talk to me. You had some lightheaded moments, when did they happen?”
“Both times as I was getting out of the shower.”
“So no intense moments of upset or concern, getting out of the shower only?”