“I’m fine. I’m feeling a little burned out from studying. I thought I’d see how the new job is
going.”
I blink, not even knowing what to say. “Fine, good. It’s good.”
Bethany is quiet for so long I check to see if the call dropped. “What’s the matter?”
The seriousness in her voice gets to me. No one has ever asked me that question before, not even Bethany. It all comes tumbling out, from those first few moments in the elevator to the agony of what happened outside my door.
“Wow. I don’t even know what to say. Are you absolutely sure he’s like not ever going to give in on the long-term thing?”
“You tell me. A guy who has managed to make it from a street fighter to a multi-billionaire in less than twenty years because of a single-minded determination is going to suddenly change his mind for a fat, nobody personal assistant who works for his brother.”
“Oh my god, why do you do that? Why do you always put yourself down? Okay, I get Mom and Granny weren’t the best at building your self-confidence, but you are awesome. I wish just once you could see yourself the way I see you. You are pretty. Guys check you out, you just ignore them, you don’t even see it. You are nice, kind, not just smart but intelligent. Your mind works to understand concepts some of the people I’m working with can’t grasp. You’re funny, okay, you have a temper that scares me a little, and sometimes you have the patience of a saint and other times none at all but still, you are an amazing person, and Cesare Sabatini would be the one coming out ahead. The thing is, I think he knows that, or else he wouldn’t have left you like he did.”
“What? He dropped me like I was infectious.” Is she taking his side?
“No, he dropped you like someone trying very hard to keep a check on their restraint. You said you don’t know, which was basically no. He tried to honor your no and stop when he could. It sounds to me like if he really wanted to, he could have wormed his way into your bed with you thinking it was everything you wanted, then dropped you when he was done like he has in the past. Only he knows if he did he’d hurt you, and he doesn’t want to. I have to admit I was all gung-ho to hate this guy for you, but I can’t bring myself to. He’s laid out who he is and is giving you the choice of what it is you want. What do you want, Alicia?”
Damn it, why does she have to make sense? “I want my nice quiet world back.”
Her sigh is loud. “God, you are such a wimp. I get it. It’s been on you for years, heck it’s still on you with school and me, and I thank you. I do. But you’ve also been hiding behind it all too. You’ve gotten so good at keeping everyone away, do you even have a friend other than Grover and me?
“Men or women, you don’t let anyone get close. Don’t you get lonely? I’m not going to encourage you to hook up with Cesare Sabatini, but maybe don’t rule it out completely, and while you’re doing that maybe try meeting other women just to talk to. I worry about you. I also feel guilty as shit. Not everyone is going to let you down like Mom and Granny. Shit, it’s after midnight. I need to let you go. Get some sleep and think about it, okay? I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I bury my face in the bed. Why can’t people understand that alone is the way I want to be? Alone is better, safer. No one to depend on who lets you down. I like alone. I like safe. Cesare left me with a choice. I choose safe.
7
Alicia
The next day is almost odd in its normalcy. Jeanine doesn’t ask about last night. Cesare is already in his office when I come in. Dante comes in later with what I think is a hangover. When I ask Jeanine about Dante, she says to ignore it before she picks up the phone to order him breakfast in, then gets up to make him an espresso. I’m told I can go home early again to make up for the dinner out, so I leave at three thirty.
When I put my key in the lock to get into the building, I’m surprised at how smooth and easily it works. I remember Cesare saying something about it needing to be fixed. No, I shake my head, that’s crazy. Only my suspicion is confirmed when I make it up the first flight of stairs and encounter the super, Mr. Fredericks.
“I got the lock fixed for you like Mr. Sabatini said. Make sure you tell him that.” It’s the first time Mr. Fredericks has ever been cranky with me. I nod as I work to keep the smile off my face at what Cesare had done.
As the week passes, the few times I encounter Cesare the blank look is back—if he even manages to look at me. Usually, he looks through me. When Jeanine leaves, I’m sad yet feeling prepared to fly solo. She tells me to call her if I need anything, to talk about the job or Cesare. I nod, even though I know I won’t.
The first week on my own is quiet on the Cesare front. However, I notice Dante gets cranky toward the end of the day. I mention it to Hannah. She nods knowingly.
“Yes, Cesare used to be the same way. They don’t leave their offices to have dinner until late. Claudine sends snacks for Cesare to keep him from getting cranky. You want her number, have her order things for Dante?”
I thank her. I know Claudine is the housekeeper for Cesare and Dante and call her with a request for snacks she thinks Dante would like. She promises to have them ordered and delivered by the next day.
Once I have Dante’s office stocked—the mini-fridge only held wine—I’m pleased he’s effusive in his thanks.
By focusing on each day as it comes, making sure never to look up when Cesare walks past me, doing my best to block out what that voice does to me every time I hear it, I make it through one week, then another. It isn’t until the third week when I’m asked to attend a dinner with Cesare again. Billings is finally rescheduling from the night he was too drunk to attend.
I’m so punch drunk from another sleepless night the idea of spending an evening with Cesare barely fazes me. This time I go with the Christian Siriano that could probably fit in at a funeral. Billings seems like a nice guy, but he’s more interested in going on about his divorce and what a bitch his ex is than talking business.
Cesare spends the evening looking through me, acting as if I were being forced on him. He never gets closer than twelve inches the entire night. It’s as if I have some invisible force field surrounding me. Despite my plea he walks me up to my apartment, but he’s gone the moment my key is in the door. I feel like I’ve lost something, something I can’t name but that’s as vital as the blood running through my veins.
The next week I have to attend a breakfast with Dante. It goes smoothly, until the end. In the car on the way back to the office, Dante asks, “Is there something you want to talk about? How are you doing?”
His concern cuts me deep. I refuse to give in. Shaking my head, I dare him to call me out. “I’m fine.”