‘No, it isn’t!’
‘It is. It’s in Wii Skylanders: air, earth, water, fire and technology.’
Stared at him in horror. Has technology become another element now? Is that it? Technology is the fifth element, and my generation just don’t understand it, like the Incas just completely forgetting to invent the wheel? Or maybe the Incas invented the wheel and it was the Aztecs to whom the idea of the wheel just never occurred?
‘Billy?’ I said. ‘Who invented the wheel? Was it the Incas or the Aztecs?’
‘Mummeeeee! It was in Asia in 8000 BC,’ Billy said without looking up.
He had somehow got onto his iPod without me noticing.
‘What are you DOING????’ I burst out. ‘You’ve had your time. Your next time isn’t till four o’clock!’
‘But I wasn’t doing Skylanders for the whole forty-five minutes. I was only playing for thirty-seven minutes because it was loading and you SAID you would save my time when I went to the toilet.’
I grasped my hair and pulled it, trying not to think about the nit eggs. I just don’t know what to do about technology. It’s banned in the week, and at the weekend it’s maximum two and a half hours with no more than forty-five minutes at a time and at least an hour in between, but the whole thing gets like a complicated algorithm of finishing levels, and loading, and going to the toilet, and playing cyber wizards with someone across the road, and it just drives me MAD because it turns them into non-present creatures and I might as well still be in BED as . . .
‘Billy,’ I said in my best voicemail voice. ‘You have had your screen time. Would you please hand me the iPad, I mean iPod?’
‘It’s not an iPod.’
‘Hand it over,’ I said, staring Medusa-like at the evil thin black object.
‘It’s a Kindle.’
‘I said ENOUGH SCREENS!’
‘Mummy. It’s your Kindle. It’s a book.’
I blinked rapidly, confused. It was technological and black and thin and therefore Evil, but . . .
‘I’m reading James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl.’
. . . it was also a book.
‘Well!’ I said brightly, trying to recover my dignity. ‘Anyone want a snack?’
‘Mummy,’ said Billy, ‘you’re so silly.’
‘OK, I’m sorrreeeee,’ I said, like a sulky teenager. I got hold of him and hugged him perhaps a little too passionately.
Suddenly there was a ping. Lunged at the phone. Roxster! It was Roxster!
Oh God. That’s right. Roxster had said he was going to Cardiff to watch the rugby this weekend. That was why he wanted to see me on Thursday, when I found out Billy had nits. The Cardiff rugby thing was this weekend!
Had delicious texting exchange culminating in:
Am going to say no. Have meeting tomorrow and is really important to be prepared, rested and fresh and that is the sort of professional, prioritizing Power Mother I am. After the children are asleep I shall prepare my thoughts for the Power Meeting.
11.55 p.m. Mmmmm. There is nothing like make-up sex to help you forgive your toy boy for going to watch the rugby and leaving his phone behind.
POWER MOTHER
Monday 22 April 2013
132lb (evaporated through sex), shags 5, minutes spent preparing thoughts for mee
ting 0, ideas of things to say in meeting 0 (oh God).