4 p.m. My flat. Baby has not come. Is getting really uncomfortable now: like having a frozen ostrich inside me.
Maybe he’s suddenly just going to burst out like the Alien and eat his way through my stomach and loom out as a fully formed toddler asking for his iPad and yelling, “I just want to finish this levellllllll!”
FRIDAY 23 MARCH
7 a.m. My flat. “We can always go get a curry?” I said hopefully to Mark, as he prepared to leave for work.
“Nooo! Not curry. I’m scarred for life by burning foam and curry. Why don’t you just get a bit more…ready.”
—
8 a.m. OK. Will check packing again. Maybe I need a fifth bag, just a small holdall for…Ooh, telephone!
“Oh darling, I’m so excited. The Queen is going to be here this afternoon. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. Any sign? You know, I was thinking about you and Mark mentioning ‘William’ for the name; it’s a bit samey, isn’t it? What about Maddox? You know Shiloh is Heaven spelt backwards. Isn’t that super?”
“Super,” I said, dully, writing SHILOH on a Post-it note. “No, it isn’t. It’s Holish.”
“Don’t be silly, darling. It’s not Polish. Have you tried that cod liver oil yet? Ooh must run! The Lord Lieutenant’s here! Bridget! I’m going to actually sit next to the Queen!”
Suddenly felt I was going to cry. All those months of working and now Mum’s dream—however bonkers—had come true. “Good luck, Mum. Enjoy it. You’ve earned it. Charm the pants off her.”
9 a.m. Baby still has not come. Feel somehow fraudulent. Maybe it is a phantom pregnancy and the whole thing…Oh, goody! Phone again!
Was Magda with oddly cold tone.
“I suppose Miranda and Shazzer were the first to hear, even though it’s me that’s supported you all the way through, but Miranda and Shazzer are more fun and exciting, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?”
“The baby. You might have told me, after everything I’ve done.”
“The baby hasn’t come,” I said.
“OH! I thought you’d crossed me off the list. But Bridget you’re a week late! You’re going to be split in two. You need to get it induced.”
“What list?”
“You have made a birth announcement list? You need to get it ready in your email. You won’t be able to pull up all those email addresses when you’re postpartum.”
—
10 a.m. Magda is right. I don’t want to be pulling up addresses and deciding what to say, when am in middle of newborn baby joy.
10.05 a.m. If alleged baby actually exists.
Noon. Right. Have pretty much got everyone’s addresses assembled now.
Mark and Bridget are pleased to announce…
12.15 p.m. Hmm, though. We’ve been keeping it low-key amongst the friends about being together till the paternity is resolved so as not to hurt Daniel’s feelings.
12.30 p.m.
Bridget is pleased to welcome into the world…
—Yuk, creepy.
12.45 p.m.