Monday 24 February
15st (combined weight of self and unhappiness), alcohol units 1 - i.e. me, cigarettes 200,000, calories 8,477 (not counting chocolate), theories as to what's going on 447, no. of times changed mind about what to do 448.
3 a.m. Don't know what I would have done without the girls yesterday. Called them instantly after Mark drove off, and they were round within fifteen minutes, never once saying 'I told you so.'
When Shazzer bustled in with armfuls of bottles and carrier bags, barking, "Has he rung?" was like being in ER when Dr Greene arrives.
"No," said Jude, popping a cigarette in my mouth as if it were a thermometer.
"Only a matter of time," said Shaz brightly, unpacking a bottle of Chardonnay, three pizzas, two tubs of HagenDaaz Pralines and Cream and a packet of fun-sized Twixes.
"Yup," said Jude, putting the Pride and Prejudice tape on top of the video, together with Through Love and Loss to Sel Esteem, The rive Stages of Dating Workbook, and How to Heal the Hurt by Hating. "He'll be back."
"Do you think I should call him." I said.
"No!" yelled Shaz.
"Have you gone out of your mind?" bellowed Jude. "He's being a Martian rubber band. The last thing you must do is call him."
"I know," I said huffily. I mean surely she didn't think I was that badly read.
"You let him go back to his cave and feel his attraction, and you move back from Exclusivity to Uncertainty." "But what if he . . . ?"
"You'd better unplug it, Shaz," sighed Jude. "Otherwise she'll spend the whole night waiting for him to ring instead of working on her self-esteem."
"Noooo!" I cried, feeling like they were going to cut my ear off.
"Anyway," said Shaz brightly, pulling the phone out of the wall with a click, "it'll do him good."
Two hours later was feeling quite confused.
"'The more a man likes a woman the more he will avoid getting involved'" said Jude triumphantly, reading from Mars and Venus on a Date.
"Sounds like masculine logic to me" said Shaz.
"So chucking me could actually be a sign that he's really serious about the relationship?" I said excitedly.
"Wait, wait." Jude was staring hard at Emotional Intelligence. "Was his wife unfaithful to him?"
"Yes," I mumbled through a mouthful of Twix. "A week after their wedding. With Daniel."
"Hmmm. You see it sounds to me that he was also having an Emotional Hijacking, probably because of an earlier emotional 'bruise' that you have inadvertently hit. Of course! Of course! That's it! That's why he overreacted to you snogging the boy. So don't worry, once the bruise has stopped sending his whole nervous system into disarray he'll realize his mistake."
"And realize he ought to go out with someone else because he likes you so much!" said Sharon, merrily lighting up a Silk Cut.
"Shut up, Shaz," hissed Jude. "Shut up."
It was too late. The spectre of Rebecca loomed up, filling the room like an inflatable monster.
"Oh, oh, oh," I said, screwing up my eyes.
"Quick, get her a drink, get her a drink," yelled Jude. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Put Pride and Prejudice on," gabbled Shaz, pouring neat brandy into my mouth. "Find the wet shirt. Shall we have the pizzas?"
Was a bit like Christmas, or more like when somebody dies and with funeral and all the fuss nothing is normal so people do not notice the loss because they are so distracted. It is when life goes back to what it was without the person that the trouble starts. Like now for example.
7 p.m. Wild joy! Got home to find answerphone light flashing.
"Bridget, hi, it's Mark. I don't know where you were last night but anyway, just checking in. I'll try you again later."