“Miguel Carter,” the first man said. “FBI.”
He flashed a badge so fast all I saw was a blur. Nice try, buddy. I’d worked in advertising long enough to know a marketing ploy when I saw one. An elaborate and clever marketing ploy, but a ploy nonetheless.
“Can I see that?” I asked.
He handed me the badge. I inspected it, acting as if I had the foggiest clue what a real FBI badge looked like. I did know what an FBI agent looked like though, and whatever agency hired this guy had paid some serious bucks to get an actor who could play the part. He was in his thirties, dark hair and eyes, wide shoulders, square jaw. They’d added glasses, to give him that extra touch of intelligence, lift him above your average city cop. He wasn’t a typical gorgeous actor, but he had that Clark Kent geek-cute thing, the kind that makes you think, “Hey, big boy, let me rip off those glasses and—.”
Damn, it really had been too long.
I handed Carter back his badge. “So the FBI is taking 911 calls now?”
“No, I’m sure the local police and ambulance are on the way. I was in the area and heard there was a problem.”
“In the area? Let me guess. At Vamp Tramp? Investigating, oh, let’s see ... A string of murders possibly related to the vampire subculture.”
The surprise on his face looked almost genuine. The guy was good, I’d give him that. I knelt beside the “unconscious” man and touched the side of his neck.
“This one’s still got a pulse, Agent. Seems you got to him in time. Good work.” As I stood, I slipped a card from my wallet and pressed it against his palm, then lowered my voice. “It’s a good guerilla marketing campaign, but the scenario needs work. Tell whoever’s in charge to give me a call. I can help them smooth over the rough spots.”
I walked back to Tiffany. As I approached, she shook her head. “Can’t resist being a smartass, can you, Mel?”
“What? I offered my services. They do need to work out the scenario a little better. FBI has a certain cachet, but it would raise fewer questions if they just said they were city cops.”
“But someone in the crowd might know the city cops.”
“True.”
“Also true that you were being a smartass, proving you saw through their act.”
I glanced over my shoulder. Carter the FBI agent was still studying my card and frowning, trying to figure out where his performance had gone wrong. I smiled and continued walking.
We still went to the bar. My curiosity was re-piqued now. Would there be more of the show we’d just seen? A full viral performance-art campaign? Was it working? What were people saying?
I got the answer to question two as we reached the door, and found a line-up stretching around the corner. We got waved past it. OK, Tiffany got us waved past it. The bouncer took one look at her - blonde hair, high heels, low neckline and impressive cleavage - then he glanced at the line-up of middle-aged gawkers with cameras and teen goths with fake ID and frantically gestured us past the rope, as if terrified we’d see the line and keep walking.
Inside, it looked like a vampire bar. Or Hollywood’s Euro-trash version of one. Lots of dark corners, blood-red velvet and lighting that lit nothing in particular. I suspect the decorator doubled as a set designer. I could imagine him directing the “shoot”, placing the chaises lounges in the dark corners, imagining a dilettante vampire gracefully sprawled on each one, surveying the eager crowd for their next meal, the sexual predator at its most predatory.
Unfortunately, this set was inhabited by real people. On the nearest chaise langue, two private school “Let’s go Goth tonight!” girls were touching up each other’s nail polish. Pink nail polish. A middle-aged couple sat erect on the next, staring around them, eyes wide with delicious “can you believe we’re in a vampire bar, Frank?” horror. Chaise loungue number three was occupied by a fifty-year-old platinum blonde. She looked suitably predatory, but her prey - every guy under thirty - was scampering the other way every time accidental eye contact occurred. And on the fourth chaise loungue, a guy in his late thirties in full vampire gear, from the boots to the leather duster, lay with his eyes slitted, the tip of his tongue out, his expression rapturous as he stared at the frieze above his head - an erotic panorama of Dracula-style vampires invading the beds of virginal girls.
“One word,” I said to Tiffany as we walked in. “Eww.”
“That’s not a word.” She looked around. “But I second it. Damn.” She sighed. “I guess we should get a drink. Too bad those chaises loungues are all taken. They’re kind of cool.”
“You want one?” I started towards the guy enjoying the painted scenery.
She tried to grab my arm, but missed, managing only a chirped, “Don’t!” that was almost drowned out by a bass-heavy blast of unintelligible punk rock.
As I approached the man, he froze, the sight of an actual woman inducing stark terror. He adjusted his overcoat, and slid his hand from . . . wherever it had been.
“Are you—?” I garbled a name, knowing the music would swallow it.
“Um, yes. Yes.”
“Your wife is on the phone.”
He shot from the lounge and disappeared into the crowd. Two nearby college girls sidled towards the vacated couch. A look from me stopped them cold.