“No.” I twisted my fingers around the strap of my purse. “I mean, if he wants to talk to me, I will, but...I don’t want to create any drama. No one needs that right now.”
Ainsley leaned into me. “Do you think it would cause drama?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, but I’m...not willing to risk it.”
The room was quickly filling up, and I saw Keira and Jo sit in pews opposite us. They couldn’t see us and it wasn’t like I was going to yell Keira’s name.
The service started with a pastor reciting verses from the bible and when he began talking about death, my attention roamed to the casket. Lifting my hand, I wiped under my eye with my palm.
I didn’t understand how this could happen. How someone could kill another person in cold blood, and over what, exactly? A couple hundred dollars? The fact that I couldn’t comprehend such an act showed, despite my upbringing, how incredibly privileged I was. These were things that I didn’t have to worry about, not in the way others did.
My gaze moved to where his family sat in the first three rows. Rider was sitting next to Hector, and I wasn’t the only person watching Jayden’s brother. So was Ainsley. The moment I saw Hector’s face start to crumple, I wanted to get up and hug him. I didn’t give good hugs, but I wanted to at that moment, because his shoulders shook and he broke.
When the service drew to a close, I waited until most of the room had paid their respects before I approached Hector. It didn’t seem he saw me as he leaned down for my awkward hug. It was like he was there, but not, and when I spoke to him, he murmured back words I couldn’t understand.
Saddened, I turned and came face-to-face with Rider. I took a step back, startled, and was about to sidestep him when I stopped myself.
That wouldn’t be the right or the kind thing to do.
Rider didn’t speak as I turned back to him. I rose up and wrapped my arms around him. I squeezed tight, putting everything I couldn’t say into the act. He didn’t hug me back. Maybe I moved away too quickly. Maybe I shocked him. Maybe he just didn’t want to.
I settled back onto my feet and looked up at him. There were a thousand things I could’ve said to him in that moment. I didn’t know why, out of everything, I said what I did. “Jayden told me once, after the day in the garage, that he looked up to you and Hector. I...I just thought you should know that was real.”
The skin around his eyes and mouth tightened. I did something else I didn’t really think about. I stretched up once more and kissed his cheek. I felt his sharp inhale, and with one last look at him, I turned.
Ainsley was waiting halfway up the aisle. She hadn’t come up with me, but her gaze was focused on where Hector stood with his grandmother.
“I want to talk to Hector real quick.” Ainsley hugged me quickly. “I’ll call you later?”
I hugged her back. “Okay.”
I didn’t see Keira or Jo in the mass of people as I walked out of the church, and I wasn’t sure if what I’d said to Rider had helped or hurt. The only thing I knew as I walked to my car was that the bright glare of the sun was still there and the deep blue sky was still spotless and endless.
Walking into my room when I got home, my gaze landed on the unfinished butterfly sitting on my desk. As
I stared at the half-transformed carving, I thought about everything I had said to Rider, everything Paige had said to me, and I knew there was something else I needed to do, something I needed to prove to myself.
I grabbed my notebook and pen off the desk and walked over to my bed. It was time to write my speech, and this time I knew what I wanted to say.
Chapter 38
I was not going to be sick to my stomach.
If I repeated the mantra enough, maybe it would come true. I’d been on the verge of hurling all day Wednesday, but at least I wasn’t the only one. Keira’s lunch sat untouched next to mine, her face pale as she read her speech over and over under her breath. The paper rattled in her shaking hands.
I took my seat in speech with no memory of how I’d gotten there. As if through a tunnel, I saw Paige come in. She’d been out yesterday, as was Rider and obviously Hector.
I took out my paper and smoothed my hands over it as I focused on taking deep and even breaths so I didn’t pass out.
There was a good chance I was going to pass out.
Just as the tardy bell rang, Rider strode into class and my heart lurched in my chest. I wasn’t expecting him to be here.
Oh my word, I was so not expecting him to be here for this.
My hands trembled as I dropped them into my lap. Paige’s eyes followed him as he headed toward the seat between us. Her smile was sad, and I didn’t know if he returned the gesture, but then he sat and looked over at me. He’d shaved and his clothing wasn’t wrinkled. His hair was a mess, though, like always.
I hadn’t seen him since the funeral on Saturday.