“Right,” she said, adding feeling stupid on top of the sudden, gut-wrenching guilt that had landed squarely on her chest, making it hard for her to breathe.
Had he really just told her not to worry about it? Her life wasn’t her own, and she had no idea when it would be again. She was completely dependent on him, and now, didn’t even have the solace of knowing she could talk to her sister whenever she wanted to.
What if he got tired of having her around, and sick of paying for everything? Then what would happen to her?
She had no “out.” There hadn’t been a time in her life when Ava didn’t know that no matter what happened, she had her sister and her three best friends who would do anything in their power to help her. If worst came to worst, she also had her parents. Not that she could imagine ever turning to them, but still.
No matter how nice Tabon was being right now, and even how hard he was trying to take care of her and make her feel better, she felt trapped.
She turned away so he didn’t see the tears that filled her eyes.
“Restroom?” she managed to eek out, hurrying in the direction the woman behind the counter pointed, and making it just in time before what little she ate at dinner came flying out.
Ava flushed the toilet, and heard the door open, but didn’t care who came in. She kept her hands on her knees, taking deep breaths, as tears ran down her cheeks.
She felt Tabon’s hand on her back and heard him trying to soothe her.
“Come here,” he said, pulling her into his arms. He stroked her hair with one hand, while he massaged her back with the other.
“You shouldn’t be in here,” she said when another woman opened the door and glared at them.
“The only thing I shouldn’t have done was leave the door unlocked,” he said, taking her hand and pulling her out of the ladies’ room. “Come on, let’s go.”
Still holding her hand, he led her out the front door and across the street, to a park. He sat down on a bench under a big oak tree and pulled her onto his lap.
“Talk to me, Avarie.”
She shook her head.
“Please, tell me what’s going on.”
“You’ll think I’m ungrateful, and I’m not. I appreciate everything you and Gunner and everyone else is doing to keep me safe.”
“But something is bothering you enough that you were sick to your stomach.”
How could she put into words how much relying on him terrified her? It wasn’t just that she didn’t know what she’d do if he decided he didn’t want to anymore, there was far more to it now.
What would he say if she told him she couldn’t bear the idea of him not wanting her anymore, or that she’d be heartbroken if that happened? They’d had a morning of crazy, amazing sex. That’s it. His heart wasn’t invested in her like hers was in him, and it probably never would be.
“I know this is hard for you,” he began. “I also know what your life has been like up to this point.”
“You do?”
Tabon nodded. “For every smile, there were ten tears, twenty moments of sadness, and even more of fear and uncertainty.”
How had he jumped right over all the superficial things she was feeling and straight into the deepest, darkest of her fears? She’d always been afraid of being alone, because other than Aine, she had no one. Without her sister, she was lost. Aine grounded her and kept her from letting her emotions spin out of control. Her parents had never filled that role in her life.
He stroked the side of her face with his finger.
“Don’t hide your feelings from me, Avarie. I understand them better than most, and I’m always willing to let you talk through them, or just hold you. Whatever you need.”
“My sister and I have never really been apart,” she murmured. “I mean there were times when we were, but there’s never been a time when I couldn’t talk to Aine if I wanted to, and vice versa.”
“I know that, which is why I made arrangements for you to be able to.”
“But…”
“Did you think that, because we were making arrangements to send them away for a few days, you wouldn’t be able to talk to her?”