The Ultimate Choice

His smile was all irony.

Her hands fluttered up in a gesture of helplessness. 'I can't deny I'm very attracted to you. And there has been something…even that first day when… when you touched my cheek as if…' She searched for words to express how he had affected her. 'I had the feeling…that you weren't a stranger. That…’

Her eyes lifted to question his, and it disturbed her to see a shadow of reserve slide over his face, as if he had something to hide from her. Or was she expressing something he didn't feel at all? He said he wanted her. Maybe it was only a physical thing for him.

She shook her head. 'I simply don't know you well enough to say that I love you, Justin. And marriage without love…'

His face hardened. 'All life is a risk! You said that yourself, Kelly. And you're prepared to risk your life on that black stallion. What's so different about risking your life with me?'

'I'm not risking my life on Rasputin,' she protested. 'You saw…'

'I saw that but for the grace of God you would have crashed into the wall,' he cut in fiercely.

'That's not true!'

'Kelly, I'm not interested in arguing. I've made my position clear. Marry me. That's what I want. I believe that's what you want too.' His eyes bored into hers with intense urgency, as if he was willing her to agree with him.

But it was all too sudden for Kelly. A lifelong commitment needed thinking about. 'Does that mean you've changed your mind about me show-jumping?' she asked, wanting so much more than he was offering.

'No.' The negative was sharp. For a moment the grey eyes were washed with the weary bleakness she had seen in them before. He sighed, and his voice softened. 'But I won't try to stop you again.'

A dismal void opened up in her heart. 'We wouldn't share,' she said sadly.

'There are other things to share, Kelly.'

The other things shimmered between them: the physical intimacy of being husband and wife, children, Marian Park with all its gracious living… so much that could be good.

And yet Kelly sensed they would never be truly together. There was a part of Justin he would always hold back. Maybe it was the years between them… too many experiences she didn't know or would never understand because she hadn't lived those years with him. Maybe there was a woman somewhere in his past who would always be dearer to him than she could ever be. There was something… something in the shadows of his eyes that set her away from him, even as he proposed the most serious bond of all.

Did he really want this? Or was it a new ploy to get her to give up show-jumping? But why would he go so far? Kelly shook her head in bewilderment. 'I don't know. It doesn't seem right,' she replied, but without any conviction. She suddenly felt very tired. Drained.

A hard, cynical mask dropped over his face. 'There's no fool like an old fool. At my age, I should have known better.'

He released her so abruptly that Kelly almost fell. He grasped her arm, steadying her until she regained her balance, then let go again.

She looked up into savagely mocking eyes and he spoke with a cold whip-sting of pride. 'I'll give you what you want, anyway. You don't have to marry me for it.' He nodded towards Rasputin. 'Bring him home. I won't fight you any more. You can continue on precisely as you did…' his mouth curled in bitter irony '…in Henry Lloyd's time.'

Then he spun on his heel and stalked away.

Kelly desperately wanted to call him back. She bit her lips to deny the temptation as she watched him go. There was more to love than wanting. More to marriage than wanting.

She felt no triumph that he had given in to her over Rasputin. Not even satisfaction. Her heart ached with a mass of tearing uncertainties.

She wasn't sure if she hadn't hurt him badly- much more than just male pride-in not accepting his proposal. On the other hand, perhaps he had simply decided he wanted a wife. The years were passing… he wasn't getting any younger, and if he wanted children… But there had been an intensity in his manner that suggested his feelings ran more deeply than that.

Certainly he found her desirable, but as for the rest… Kelly wasn't sure how much he cared about her feelings. Of course, he would be well aware of the advantages he could offer any woman who married him. Maybe he thought wealth and position were inducements enough. But that didn't even begin to touch on the love Kelly had always envisaged for herself.

And yet, there was something about Justin St John that was very special. She hoped she hadn't hurt him. Kelly had the awful feeling that she might never meet anyone else who had such a powerful attraction for her. And to whom she had such a powerful attraction in return.

But marriage was such a serious step. She couldn't enter into it lightly. She felt there should have been much more in preliminary interaction between herself and Justin St John before he proposed marriage.

She walked despondently back to Rasputin and began unplaiting his mane. 'I wish I understood him as well as I understand you,' she told the black stallion.

The horse nodded sympathetically.

'At least you and I can stay together,' she said, but somehow it was hollow consolation. In an effort to regain some positive thinking, she added, 'Grandpa will be pleased. We've won everything back the way it was in Henry Lloyd's time.'

Except that wasn't completely true, and never could be true again. Henry Lloyd was dead. And she hadn't met Justin St John in Henry Lloyd's time.