This isn’t the right time, no. But there will never be a right time, and he deserves the truth. Gathering my courage, I say, “Dan, remember this morning?”
“When you promised to tell me tonight whatever was bothering you? Yeah.” He leans against the wall next to the open door to the supply room.
I suddenly feel exposed, dressed up in a Halloween costume. Some serious clothes would have been good for this conversation. But I’m not backing out.
“It wasn’t the shelf talk that had me out of sorts, but you mentioning my lady stuff.”
I’m not looking at him, instead fixating on a box inside the room.
“I don’t have any supplies. I don’t need them anymore. A few years ago, I got pregnant. Unexpected, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, it was ectopic. Baby was growing outside the uterus, in the fallopian tube. Not viable. Found out too late, when it grew very large and ruptured. It caused a lot of damage, a hemorrhage, and they had to do a hysterectomy.”
I pause to catch my breath, still not looking at him. “So, I can’t have kids. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t know how or when. This is a lot to put up with. And if you want to cut your losses, I understand.”
It’ll break my heart, but I’ll understand.
I’m still stubbornly looking at the box. My eyes are stinging with unshed tears. He shifts closer to me, brings one hand to my face.
“I’m sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how hard it was.”
“It was hard. Mom was with me at the hospital, but I still felt so alone and empty.”
“How about the baby’s father?”
“Oh, he hadn’t been happy about it in the first place. As I said, accidental. We’d split up anyway, and he was relieved.” That phone call had been a low. Hearing his relief while I felt like a fundamental part of me didn’t exist anymore.
“Dan, say something,” I whisper, chancing a glance at him. The set of his jaw is firm, his eyes hard.
“I’ve never regretted letting you go more than now.”
I cringe, biting the inside of my cheek. “Wouldn’t have changed the outcome. The doctors said I had a rare genetic problem, so a normal pregnancy wouldn’t have been possible. I had faulty equipment to begin with.”
“Not what I meant. But I’d never have let you go through that alone. I’d have been there, right next to you.”
“Oh.”
“What did you mean with cutting my losses?”
“You want kids, and I can’t give you any.”
“There are other ways to have kids, like adoption.”
The first tendrils of hope grip me, but I have to ask. I have to be sure. “What about the Bennett genes?”
He smiles. “It’s a fun thing to say, but I don’t need a kid to be blood-related to me to love it. Do you?”
“Of course not. Dan, do you mean this? Do you really mean it?”
“I’m dead serious.”
“I wanted to tell you right when you called me after my birthday. But it would have sounded like I assumed too much. I’m still not assuming, by the way. Nothing about the future. Just taking it one day at a time, rediscovering each other.” I kiss his jaw, his earlobe, shuddering lightly. “You’re the best man, Daniel. The best man in the whole world.”
He wraps his arms around me, keeping me close to him, stroking my hair. “Caroline, stop kissing me like this.”
I startle because I wasn’t kissing him in a particularly sexy or seductive way, but he has one hand in my hair, the other on my hip. Maybe he can feel the shift between us too, the incredible closeness. Instead of heeding his request, I continue to kiss down his neck.
“Stop kissing me,” he repeats, his voice rougher.
“I can’t help it. You’re the sexiest pirate I’ve ever seen,” I joke. I need to feel close to him right now. I can’t explain it, but I want to feel as much of his skin as possible. So, I slide my hands under his shirt, my fingertips tracing the ridges of his abdominal muscles, pressing against the tightness. It’s still not enough.