Dad Bod (Under Construction 1)

“Pssh, the next time you pick up Kenny from school, I’ll make sure to let the class know that you think they should never be allowed cupcakes again, and you will forever be known as “Healthy Lady” to the room of rambunctious four and five-year-olds, you damn cupcake kill-joy!”

I spit my water across the table, narrowly missing Laney. “You kill me, Lan! I’ll never know how you slip your filter in place while at work. It’s like you’re two different people—Miss Suzie Sunshine at the preschool, then this sarcastic asshole as soon as you close the classroom door.”

“Meh, multitalented, Jo. What Can I say?” She shrugs and takes a bite of cheeseburger, grease dribbling down her chin. I’m envious of women like Laney, the ones comfortable in their own skin and able to eat whatever they prefer. If I eat a cheeseburger, I’m doing an extra workout at the gym. My diet is meticulously designed to keep me at a healthy weight of 140 pounds.

“Now back to crushes,” Laney sing songs, pulling me from my thoughts, and I roll my eyes because this is a dangerous topic.

“I told you—I do not crush on my clients.”

“Shit, please crush on someone, Jordan!” she scolds. “How long has it been? Do you even have a giner anymore?”

“Could you please not refer to my”—I motion in that area with my hand—“while we are eating?”

“That thing and eating don’t even belong in the same sentence, Jo! Your poor womanhood is purring at the word ‘eating’ because it has been so long since she’s been dined on.”

Fuckity fuck! Did I mention how crude and crass my best friend can be? It’s all part of her charm. “Laney, for the love of anything please stop. I’m too busy running Dumb Belles and preparing to take my fitness app to market. I don’t have time to crush on anyone.”

“Gym closes at 5:00 on Saturday, right?”

Immediately I feel like I should tread lightly here. Normally when she asks a question, she already knows the answer to, I’m more than likely going to get sucked in to doing something I don’t want to do. “Umm … yes… Why?”

Without answering my question, she already has her cell phone at her ear. Who is she calling? It honestly could be anyone. You never know with her.

“Erin, girls’ night next Saturday. Your sister’s giner is almost non-functional, and this must be fixed.”

Reaching over the table, I try to pry the iPhone from her hand, but she giggles and keeps it out of my reach all while continuing to talk with my sister. “Ooh yeah! We will ask Bryn too, but that bitch Gia ain’t invited. I wanted to kick her in the twat last time she invited herself to girls’ night, but it’s untelling what kinda vaginal diseases that ho breeds.”

Oh Jesus. Just the thought of Gia crashing another girls’ night has me cringing. She is definitely my least favorite employee.

“Uh-huh. Sounds good. See you next Saturday.” Laney sets her phone on the table and smiles. “Saturday night, hoochie. It’s on!”

“You guys always gang up on me,” I whine.

“It’s only ’cause we love you, Jo. You have to start living. There is life outside the gym.” Deep down, I do know this. Life is simpler in the gym. I’m comfortable in the gym. On dates or in a club—not so much. I’m like a fish out of water.

I always find myself in the most random situations, especially when I go out with my sister, Laney, and Bryn. Then the alcohol flows, and we all become alter egos of ourselves with a couple drinks in us. Bryn is a lot like me. We both think we are comedians with our joke telling and we're handsy when we are inebriated. Whereas Erin and Laney become loud and mean. The stories Carter could tell you are not for the faint of heart.

As we’re getting ready to leave lunch, I remember something I wanted to ask Laney without appearing too interested.

“So yesterday,” I start, “at Publix when we were leaving, we ran into Gia.”

Laney doesn’t have a poker face. She already knows where I’m going with this, so before I can even finish, she mutters, “Did he stumble over his words and make a complete fool of himself? Damn, I hate missin’ the good stuff!”

Laney is an asshole.

“So she was the one who got away?” I ask, bringin’ her back to the topic at hand.

“I guess.” She shrugs. “Madden hasn’t mentioned her in years, though.”

Well shit, I hope to hell she was a much better person back then because the Gia that I foolishly employed at the gym is not a nice person. She’s the type of girl that made my life miserable in high school. She gives Regina George a run for her money and is definitely the mean bitch screaming, “You can’t sit with us.”

*~*

Ten days later

Fridays are normally my favorite day of the week. First thing in the morning, I catch my favorite body pump class that makes me feel kinda bad ass, and it is cheat day so I allow myself a guilty pleasure for breakfast—a glazed donut and caramel iced coffee, with real sugar and milk. Little things seem to make me the happiest these days. My schedule is light on Fridays, and Madden will be my last client of the day. I stand in my office waiting for Madden to arrive. We are scheduled to start in five minutes, and he is usually very punctual. Just as I’m thinking this I hear his laugh from outside my office door. Walking out into the common area of the gym, I find him, blushing yet again as Gia talks to him. I want to aggravate him about her, but I don’t. Why does him flirting with her low-key kind of piss me off? Hell, I sound like a jealous girlfriend.

“Reporting f