Carly gives me a pointed look as she picks Ryleigh up and carries her to the nursery. When she returns she stops by the kitchen before returning to the living room with two Mason jars of sweet tea. Placing them on the coffee table, she climbs on the couch next to me, crossing her legs under her ass and folding her hands in her lap.
“I don’t understand.” She shrugs in agreement. “Josh is locked up. He can’t hurt you anymore. Why are you still so scared of him?”
“It’s not just him that I fear, Carly. You have someone to watch over you and your children each night. Do you realize t
hat I’ve only slept maybe four hours since Friday night, because every noise shocks terror through me? Luke’s gone. I haven’t heard from him in nearly a week. Now Drew thinks it’s funny to take his place on the swing, pretending to protect me having my best interest at heart. HA, like that bastard has a heart. Oh my gosh, bastard? How fitting.” I laugh, rolling my eyes at my insanity.
“Ooooo-kay. I think you need to reel it in just a smidge, take a big deep breath and try to sift through that shit again. What does Luke and Drew have to do with your porch? You ain’t makin’ a lick of sense.” Carly snaps back at me, then tries to stifle back her laughter when she says, “well, the bastard comment…that makes perfect sense.”
Raking my hands through my hair I grit my teeth together and growl in frustration. “Drew, Carly! He’s obviously been watching me for a while now. He knew that Luke would watch over me at night, randomly appearing on the porch swing. I guess he figured I’d be the easier target now that Luke’s gone and since you never gave two shits about his constant stunts for attention. He tried to play it off as his way of protecting his little sister, but his threat was blatantly obvious to me.”
“Woah, woah, what?” Carly shrieks, her eyes widening to the size of saucers. “Drew has been watching you?” I nod, confirming what I just said is indeed true. “Savannah, I need you to calm down and tell me what the hell happened. NOW!” She spits through gritted teeth, the apple of her cheeks flaming red with heat.
I shake my head to clear the cloud of thoughts before speaking. I’m sure I’ve confused Carly enough with my incessant rambling, but I’ve bottled up so much this last week it feels like the cork popped free and everything I’ve held inside has just burst free.
“I expected it to be Luke, but was surprised when I realized it was Drew. He warned me about visiting with Josh, said that he was dangerous. Drew said he was looking out for me and would see what James could do to expedite the divorce proceedings, but he continually urged me not to visit Josh.”
Carly pinches the bridge of her nose and I’m sure I’m wearing her down. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Carly it was in the middle of the night. There wasn’t much you could do.” I shrug my shoulders.
“There is always something I can do, damn it!!! You and the kids need to stay here for a few nights, Savannah. What if he goes a step further, Sis?”
Shaking my head, “No, I won’t do that. The kids are having a hard enough time understanding all the changes that have taken place in our lives these last few months. I won’t pull them from their home just when their finally settling in.”
Rolling her eyes, Carly huffs resigning her argument in defeat.
“Drew always has an underhanded play. Don’t trust him, Savannah.”
“I know better than to trust him, Carly.” I roll my eyes exaggeratedly. “In fact, I’m going to do the exact opposite of what he advised.”
“Like hell you are! Are you insane?”
“A little, I do believe so.” I smile nervously, but there is a little truth in my response. I feel like somewhere along the way I’ve finally cracked, the seams of my flawed existence fraying uncontrollably. “But even Luke suggested it, Carly. I need to show Josh that after all the hell he’s put me through, I’m resilient. He needs to see that the control he once had over me has diminished.”
Chapter Nine
Facing the music is easier said than done. Every step I take each day requires more and more strength. When I returned to Lexington last week, I had planned to visit Alyson and Sawyer’s graves – memorializing’ my family for the first time since their deaths, but also taking that first step towards forgivin’ myself for not being their hero. I cowered. I continue to make an excuse for myself puttin’ it off further and further. I’ve admitted that I was at fault for this tragedy, but forgivin’ myself seems impossible. It’s unforgettable, so therefore in my mind – unforgiveable.
Momma was surprised, yet pleased when I appeared on her doorstep in the middle of the night unexpectedly. It’s been a few months since I saw her last so she’s enjoyed havin’ her boy home for the last few days. Work keeps her busy, but I know she’s lonely livin’ in a big city without many friends. She moved to Lexington after she left Dad so she could be close to my family, then after the fire I left her here to return to Williamstown. It wasn’t intentional, but I was literally suffocatin’ in Lexington. Too many constant reminders of what I’d lost. With the old man’s ailing health it only made sense that I move in with him to find myself or at least the part of me that I’d lost.
Each day as Momma readied herself for work she’d ask what my plans were for the day although my answer hasn’t changed all week: not much. She’d smile, payin’ no mind to me and head out the door. At dinner she’d make idle conversation asking about the diner, how my friends were doin’,anything she could think of to dance her way around what she really wanted to ask – why I was really here. I’d change the subject from me to her, anything to get her mind away from mine. I could tell she was carryin’ a heavy weight of worry for me, but she knows I’m the strong silent type who does better at workin’ my emotions out all on my own.
Today she began to grow antsy, filled with worry. She knew I was torn she just didn’t know why. Mommas have that greater intuition; they know when their children are battlin’ somethin’ greater than the strength they have to defend themselves with. No sooner than she set the food on the table and I planted my ass in the chair she started in, not letting up until I told her what I was strugglin’ with.
It wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but I gave her every thought that crossed my mind without hindrance. I didn’t realize just how heavy my heart was until I spoke the words. I’ve carried the pain for so long, wearing it as a second skin, that unleashing it all somehow gives me lucidity over the situation.
“Luke, you weren’t given an easy life to live by any means. But battling the hand you were dealt is what gave you the strength to persevere. After Alyson and Sawyer passed away, I was so worried that you’d let yourself slip into a nasty addiction, ya know – drinkin’ ya life away like your daddy has.” She clasps her small hand over mine, squeezin’ gently as she gathers the words. “But baby, what you’re doin’ is none too healthy either. You’re drownin’ in your own sorrows. You can’t change the past, so stop lookin’ over your shoulder at it constantly. It’s okay to move on, Luke. Alyson would want you to be happy.”
“Momma, I ain’t tryin’ to live in the past, but tryin’ to keep the past alive in me. I feel guilty for wantin’ something I know I don’t deserve. I feel like I’m dishonorin’ my love for Alyson and Sawyer by movin’ forward.” I whisper, hangin’ my head in shame.
“Ya know, Savannah sounds like a charmin’ young lady. I know she has something special about her or your eyes wouldn’t twinkle when you talk about her.”
“Momma.” I warn, beggin’ her to drop it. I know what I want, I know what I need. But I know it’s well out of reach.
“Son, you listen to ya momma. Good things come to those who wait. I understand Savannah’s situation, but I also understand yours. You need to figure out if what you’re feelin’ is real, or if it’s empathy for her plight.”
“Is that what it sounds like? That I’m feelin’ things outta empathy?”