Mend the Seams (Buried Secrets 3)

“I don’t know, really. I know I’m ready to move on with my life, but I’ll always carry their memory with me.”

“Tell me about them.”

“What do you want to know?” I ask. I’m not shocked that Savannah wants to know about Alyson and Sawyer because she’s just a compassionate person.

“Tell me whatever memories come to mind. I don’t have many happy memories with Josh, so it’s nice to hear real love stories.”

I don’t even know where to begin, so I pull my wallet from my back pocket and gently remove the tattered picture of Alyson and Sawyer, handing it to Savannah. “This is Alyson and Sawyer. When Alyson came into my life, falling head over heels in love so quickly was unexpected. She was a missing piece of my heart, then when Sawyer was born that made me whole. Fallin’ in love is one thing, but the unconditional love for a child – damn. There are no words to describe the amazin’ warmth that blankets your heart when you become a parent. Our little family was complete and perfect in our eyes. We never really had much because we were young, just trying to make it day by day. But we had each other.

“Sawyer never had a care in the world. He was an all-out boy who loved stomping in mud puddles, playing with Hot Wheel cars, and believed Superheroes were real. Superman was his favorite superhero because he could fly, bend steel, and he always knew when someone needed him. To Sawyer, I was his Superman. I worked twenty-fours a lot, but still managed to stop by at home just in time to tuck him in at night and read him a bedtime story. The few nights I didn’t make it home, Alyson would call me so I could tell him a quick story over the phone.

“Each morning I woke up with a knee to my ribs and a loud hmmmppph as he landed in the center of the bed, his red cape flowing in waves behind him. ‘Make me fly real high, Daddy!’ He’d say, his little smile stretched across his cheeks and his gentle grey eyes all round and googly. I’d pick him up with one hand on his tummy, one supporting his ankles while he stretched his arms out wide and I’d zip through the house with him. His laughter was endless and his smile never faded.”

We talk for what feels like hours. Savannah never moves from my arms as I share my memories with her. What felt like a slight relief suddenly feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I know that although I was hesitant about enlightening Savannah on my past, I did the right thing.

“You were a blessed man, Luke. I’m saddened that you lost your family, but I know you will always cherish your memories of them. Thanks for sharing with me.” She turns towards me and inh

ales a gentle breath. Her soft green eyes are troubled as she looks at me. “Luke, I’m sorry that I’ve been so distant. I’m grateful that you’re here with me, but you have to understand how messed up everything is right now.” The corner of her lip tips up in a sad crooked smile and I nod in response. Leaning forward she presses a delicate kiss to my cheek and whispers breathlessly, “Goodnight, Luke.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” I say softly as she walks away. I know this is her way of keepin’ herself safe and guarded from anymore heartache.

Instead of goin’ to bed I go outside for some air. Life has always dealt me the losin’ hand, but I can’t help but feel like a glimmer of brightness is finally being shed onto the dark.

People tend to feel pity for someone who’s lost a part of themselves through a terrible tragedy. I don’t need pity, that’s why I left Lexington and moved back home. I couldn’t handle the constant back pats and troubled looks from friends and co-workers. Although they were grieving Alyson and Sawyer’s death with me, it wasn’t uplifting to know I had a support system – no, not in the least. My family’s death is my own conviction. A turmoil I battle myself over daily and something only I can cope with alone. Friends often think when you’ve lost someone that their presence will be comforting, but for me it’s the utter opposite. I didn’t allow myself to fade into a darkness that consumed me mentally, but emotionally. I only wanted to shut out the world to suffer in silence.

Even as the days pass by and it becomes easier to smile, my heart still bleeds because it’s so tattered and torn. But, it is becoming easier. Carly accepting me as a friend was the ice breaker that gave me the chance to test the waters to see if I was prepared to be a friend, to open myself up to relationships I never saw coming. Take Colton for instance; he made my life a living hell as kids, bullying me just for fun. And he sure as hell didn’t throw me a welcome home party when I moved back to Willamstown. Carly was the building block to the foundation of our friendship. It took proving to Colton that I knew where I stood in Carly’s life for him to loosen up and put his indifferences with me aside.

Carly’s friendship, her trust and faith in me also brought Savannah into my life. The moment I first laid eyes on her that day in the diner I could see the scars all over her. Not visible scars, but the scars that she carries from the years of heartache and abuse. As my friendship grew with Colton, I found Savannah in my presence more and the scars became more visible. Bruises hidden beneath makeup and heavy sweaters, small defensive cuts on her hands. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and shield her from the pain, erase the scars from her mind, but I resisted. Until I couldn’t resist any longer. The perfect storm. Our worlds collided at the most imperfect time. We have a beautifully flawed relationship but I want more. I want beautifully perfected, but Savannah ain’t ready to dust off her heart and prepare it for true love. Savannah is still bent and broken, but one day, one day I’ll mend the seams if she’ll let me.

Chapter Sixteen

Therapy Session #6

“Good afternoon, Josh.” Dr. Hampton says as she gets comfortable, placing her legal pad in her lap.

“Hey, doc.” I tip my head up towards her.

“Josh, you look much better than you did just days ago when I saw you unexpectedly. Are you resting any better?” She asks repositioning the glasses on her face.

“Not really, but it is what it is.” How the fuck anybody can rest on this damn newspaper thin mattresses is beyond me. I often wonder if the fuckin’ concrete floor wouldn’t be more comfortable.

“I see. Have you given any more thought to signing the Divorce Petition?”

“That’s all I’ve thought about.”

“And what conclusion have you come to, Josh?”

“Do you realize what I’m losing, doc? This ain’t turnin’ a fuckin’ dog into the pound. This is me sayin’ I no longer wish to be married to my wife. This is me agreeing that that part of my life is over. I don’t think I can accept that.”

“Josh, have you considered Savannah and your children at all?”

“What the hell kinda question is that?” Did she seriously just ask me that? Hell yes I’ve considered Savannah and the kids. I’ve considered the fact that my kids will grow up fatherless. I’ve also considered the fact that Savannah will eventually move on with her life. She’s mine. There’s too much to risk by agreeing to a divorce. I’d rather drag her ass through court for the next five fuckin’ years before givin’ in.

“I know this upsets you, Josh. But we are working together to help you. You need to hear the truth from someone, so it might as well be me. You are only causing Savannah and your children more heartache by holding onto something that is already gone. You need to come to terms with reality, Josh. You are facing twenty-five years to life in prison. Your children will be grown with their own families by the time you’re released. Savannah deserves a chance at life, Josh. I want you to think about the pain you’ve caused your family, then I want you to try to be selfless for them, just once. The decision is fully yours. I can’t force you to do anything. But it is my job to open your eyes to the error of your ways and help you cope with your wrong doings.”

My face flames with heat and I have to grit my teeth together to control myself from lashing out at her. I don’t wanna hear this shit. But I know she’s right. After Savannah left the jail last week, I had somewhat of a meltdown. After a swift trip to the emergency room, I was able to see Dr. Hampton. To be honest I’m not sure why I requested to talk with her, perhaps I’m beginning to trust her judgment? I don’t know. I told Dr. Hampton about Savannah’s visit and it was clear how distraught I was after seein’ her.

Dr. Hampton listened to me express my feelings, then she told me the cold hard truth, just like she did moments ago. Dr. Hampton said ‘in her professional opinion’ it isn’t the idea of losing Savannah that bothers me, so much as losing the control over Savannah. She said that I exhibit an intense craving to control someone, stripping them of their pride, strength and dignity. I’ve thought about that a lot over the last several days, and deep down, I know she’s right. I just don’t know if I can selflessly let her go.