“I gotta get ready for work. You need to stay home and rest. Might be a good idea to get a doctor’s appointment. Call me at the mines later to let me know how you’re feelin’, ‘kay?”
She follows behind me to the door, and kisses me goodbye before I leave.
On the drive home, I can’t wipe the smile from my face. We’re havin’ a baby. Our little family is comin’ together, and we’re finally gettin’ the happiness and love we both deserve. But even clutchin’ hope tightly in the palm of my hand, doubt still rears its frickin’ ugly head in. I try to push it back and ignore it, but I realize Carly Jo’s emotions resolved too quickly, too easily. Refusin’ to let the glory fade away, I focus on the drive and remind myself to keep fightin’.
I’m pregnant. I want so badly to jump up and down, shout to the heavens and cry tears of happiness. And I could do all of that if I was one hundred percent certain that this little baby I’m carrying belongs to Colton. But there are no certainties. I should have never trusted my broken, drunken heart to a sexy and comforting Luke Ashton.
But I did.
And to make matters worse, Luke carries a broken heart and tattered soul of his own. He has enough to deal with in his own life. Yet here this little hiccup rises, and threatens to turn three innocent lives upside down. It isn’t fair to Colton or Luke. But me, I deserve every last ounce of despair that bitch Karma throws at me.
I have to laugh at the situation, really. I fought so hard to protect my heart from Colton, even when I knew I was battling the impossible. My heart, my soul, every ounce of my living, breathing form belongs to him. I’m sick of fighting, and I just want our happily ever after. But now I’m faced with the possibility that this baby may be Luke’s, and if it is, Colton will never be able to forgive me.
Hell, I’ll never be able to forgive me.
I should have never left him that night in the hospital. Colton’s accident wasn’t entirely his fault. He was trying to do what any good Superintendent does, and handle the situation on his own, leaving me to deal with less menial issues. But I did leave him. Mad, no, pissed and stubborn, I walked out and left him. He was injured, and in misery from the bolts and pins placed in his arm after the accident. But I guess that’s the kind of cold hearted bitch I am. I simply didn’t care in the moment. Blind fury, I think they call it. I didn’t take time to look at the big picture. I let my anger and emotions control me, and I was blind to what really was before me.
But now, my heart is bleeding and I don’t have any idea what to do to right my wrong. Hell, there may be no fixing it. And I can’t even fathom the idea of losing Colton forever. If I thought my life had shattered before, spiraling down around me, I was wrong. Because in this moment, the eye of the tornado is heading right for me on a path of destruction and despair.
I deserve every ounce of what I get.
Not only is my heart wracked with the fear of losing Colton, but it is also trembling to the fear of holding on to him. Everything is changing so quickly, and although I stood by and watched it happen, it seems as if it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. I swear to God, I’ve had to have had my head stuck up my own ass over the last six months to not see all of this happening right before my very eyes. But perhaps, I was just too love struck and blind to see it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Colton with all that I have, but I simply don’t know how to move on with him. He’s already a daddy. Me, I lost my baby, well, our baby. And now, I could possibly be carrying the one tiny heart that will anchor our love together for an eternity. I want that love, that eternity with Colton like I want, no need my next breath.
I was stupid for pushing him away for so long, but fear controls my every move where he is concerned. It’s hard to uncage my heart, setting it free for his rough, calloused hands to hold. But, had I been smart enough to have done so to begin with, I wouldn’t have this incessant doubt gnawing at me from the inside.
“What the hell?” I heard Colton say, through the chest wracking sobs that paralyzed me in his arms. I thought in that moment he would be mad, upset that I was pregnant. But no…he was just floored. After the initial wave of shock washed over him, you could see the excitement beam from his chocolate brown eyes. Damn, I hope I don’t shatter his world. After all of the heartache and torment we both have been through, this man still clings onto the tattered, raveled threads of what we once were. He has faith that we will be, once again, whole. My God, his strength to hang on to something that feels so farfetched makes me love him even more.
After Colton leaves for work, and I’ve wallowed long enough in my self-loathing, I take a hot shower to ease the tension and stress. I’m still weak, tired and frazzled, but I guess this is just the beginning of it all. Morning sickness ain’t for the faint of heart, that’s for damn sure. I vomited enough yesterday that you’d think I’d be ready to devour a cow from the emptiness of my stomach. But hell no…don’t even mention food, water, sweet tea, peanut butter fudge cheesecake. Don’t mention any of it, ever again, until further notice!
After the tension loosens between my shoulders and the water runs cold, I step out of the shower to towel off and get dressed. Taking a long deep breath, I try to determine whether I should tackle this pregnancy head first, all alone or should I call on Savannah. Hell, I don’t know of any OB/GYN’s in this area. I don’t even know what the hell an OB/GYN goes poking around for, and I sure as hell don’t wanna find out. But, apparently that’s the only damn mad scientist who can get this kid out of me when the time comes. So if I must, I must. Yes, you sense sarcasm, but that’s only because when in fear, I spread a poker face over the frown and cover up the insecurities and doubt. Otherwise, I may falter, I may crack, and I may simply just lose my damned mind.
Picking up the phone, I dial Savannah’s number, and wait for her chipper tone to greet me on the other end. Hell, I know she’s the best choice at aid right now. She’s been there, done that, got a double whammy and a frickin’ tee shirt. When she doesn’t answer her house phone, I try her cell phone instead…it rings endlessly, so I leave her a voicemail then send a text message. Where the hell could she be? It’s just after eight AM.
After searching for a doctor in the area on Google I still haven’t found the confidence to call for an appointment. I simply don’t see the safety of selecting a random doctor from the internet. Hell, I’m having a baby. Not any damn Tom, Dick, or Harry needs to be poking around my friggin’ lady bits and precious cargo for the next eight to nine months, ya know.
It’s been an hour since I called Savannah, so I try to reach her again. Maybe she will sense the urgency this time and answer the frickin’ phone. Finally, on the fifth ring she answers, her voice small and mousy. “Hello?” She whispers into the receiver.
“Thank God you answered the damn phone. I’m in a pickle, and I need my big Sis like yesterday. Get your ass in the car, and get over here now.”
“Carly, what the hell is goin’ on?” She whispers again, but this time her voice is filled with annoyance.
“Why the hell are you whisperin’? Are you sick?”
“Carly, now is just not a good time. Braden is sick, I’ll try to call you tomorrow.”
“Savannah, you can’t leave me hangin’ like this. I’m seriously in desperate need right now.”
“Damn it Carly, when are you gonna realize that everything ain’t about you? I gotta…” her voice trails off, and I’m met with a dull beep. Well screw you sideways too. Wonder what the hell is up with her?
I toss the phone on the table and fall back on the couch, trying to decide what to do now. Savannah was acting really strange. I don’t think she’s been that hateful with me since we were kids. Deciding she’s probably been blessed with a visit from Aunt Flo damn lucky bitch, I brush off my frustration
and turn back to Google to search out a doctor. I find a female OB/GYN at the local Medical Center and call for an appointment. NICE…two frickin’ weeks before they can see me. TWO WEEKS! How the hell am I gonna be able to control these scattered emotions for the next two weeks? Should I talk to Luke now? Do I tell Colton about Luke? Ah damn! I am so screwed.
When the roiling emotions are too thick to break away from me, I decide to spend the rest of the day curled up with my kindle. Colton did say that I need to rest, so why not take it all for what it’s worth.
I grab a fluffy throw from the trunk under the window and settle on the couch, pulling the cover up high on my neck. I scroll through my Kindle before settling on Life’s A Cappella by Yessi Smith. Within minutes, the Kindle slaps my face, startling me from my sudden pull of sleep. Laying the Kindle on the coffee table, I roll over facing the thick cushion, and allow sleep to carry me off to dream. And it does. Except the dream quickly turns into a nightmare.