“You disappoint me, Savannah.” LASH, I wince in pain as the leather belt collides against my ass cheek. “You’re a lot of things; a pitiful excuse for a wife, a terrible mother, a stupid bitch.” LASH. “Don’t fuckin’ move again.” LASH. “You wanna be a filthy whore? Comin’ into my damn house reekin’ of another man’s cologne; I’ll treat you like a fuckin’ whore.” LASH. My knees give out and my legs tremble beneath me with each lashing. He fists my hair in his hand again, pulling me up from the bed against his chest. “Did I tell you to lay the fuck down, Savannah? FUCK NO!” He yells in my ear and I break. Just like he wants me to I beg and plead for forgiveness, and reprieve.
“Pl-please stop. I-I’m sorry.” I cry, but my plea is lost on him. He lashes the belt against my ass one last time and I cry out loudly. When I hear the zipper of his pants I turn around quickly crawling backwards up the bed. “Please, just beat the hell out of me, knock me out I don?
??t care but please, please, Josh, I don’t want to feel you like this. Please!”
He grabs my ankles sliding me down the bed towards him. He backhands me across my face then forces my legs open gripping my hips strongly as he enters me. I pierce my eyes shut and sob softly in to my hands. He grips my throat in his hands choking me as he thrusts into me.
“Look into my fuckin’ eyes, Savannah. I want to see the pain and fear you feel; it excites me. I crave it.” He seethes with gritted teeth and I obey. I stare into the eyes of the monster who stole my heart, as he pumps into me roughly. Staring into his fiery eyes, I fall away from his abuse and hatred, lost in my own solace as he finds his release. A void consumes me and although my heart still beats, my soul has finally died.
Lifeless. My heart still pumps blood through my veins as it flows freely through my body. But my soul escaped my body last night, my desire to live-gone. My bones ache in protest as I roll to my side, every inch of my body aching. I find the strength to sit up taking my time to catch my breath before standing. Slowly, I make my way into the bathroom and the reflection that screams from the mirror stops me cold. I touch my face, wincing in pain from the swollen bruises that stain my delicate flesh. Yellow, purple, blue, black bruises blanket my body and I know in this moment that I’m lucky to be alive.
I’ve suffered too many times at Josh’s hand, but my body has never been so badly battered. I’m confident when I die, my blood will stain his hands and rage roils through me knowing that it was only by the grace of God that I opened my eyes this morning.
How the hell did you let it go this far?
You’re a beautiful woman; not a damn punching bag!
Run! Take your babies and run as far as your legs will carry you!
The reflection yells at me.
I recognize the small mousy voice and her eyes look familiar.
I want to be strong and fight back, but I’m defenseless.
My lungs grow tight and I realize I’ve been holding my breath as I stare back at the reflection. Turning away from the mirror I start a hot bath to soothe my tender body. Sinking down into the scolding hot water I hug myself tightly, consumed with self-pity.
Where did the strong Savannah Simon escape to? What kind of monster did you marry? You’ve always tried to be the good wife, catering to his every beckon call. But you fall short of his desire for perfection.
For seven years Josh has wounded and battered me; but never have I been defiled like I was last night. Shame devours me as the memory of Josh raping me replays in my mind. Agonizing cries echo through the bathroom and I whisper a prayer to God Almighty to save me from this wreckage.
When the water turns cold, I climb out of the bath and dry off slowly. I pull on fleece pajamas then trudge my sore body downstairs. The house is quiet. Josh must have taken the kids to school when he went to work. I go into the kitchen and put a kettle of water on the stove to boil for some hot tea. I hear a buzzing noise and turn around to see my cell phone dancing across the countertop. I pick up the phone just as the ringing stops, missing a call from Carly. My finger hovers over her number, but she’ll know something’s wrong the minute she hears my voice.
The kettle whistles, startling me and I clutch my chest in fear. I drop a tea bag in the cup then fill it with the scolding water before adding honey and sugar. Sitting at the island, I browse through my emails then check the local news website. The back door slams shut and I still. I can feel his presence without seeing him. Heavy thuds pound across the floor and the closer he gets, the harder my heart slams against my ribs.
“Mornin’.” Walking around the counter he pours a cup of coffee then pulls a barstool from beneath the island.
“Hi,” I mutter, keeping my head down, not daring to make eye contact with him. He shakes the newspaper, loosening the creases and I flinch at the sound. Any sudden move he makes puts me on edge; I never know what will set him off. And after last night I can’t endure any more.
I sip my tea quietly browsing online as he reads the newspaper. “How do you feel this mornin’?” He chuckles behind the newspaper. He asks me this every morning after beating the shit right out of me, an evil sneer proudly present on his face. I hate the high he gets from my pain. It disgusts me.
“I’m well, and you?” I reply quietly.
He folds the newspaper neatly, placing it on the counter. He braces his forearms on the counter, resting his chin on his fists. “Savannah Marie, do you have so little respect for your husband that you won’t even look me in the eyes when I’m speakin’ to you?” My eyes flutter up slowly, meeting his gaze. I hate letting him see my fear.
“I’m sorry.”
“Learn some respect Savannah. Just then, I might not have to raise my hand to you.” He smirks and a flash of fire lights up his eyes as his catches my quivering lip. Those aren’t the same brown eyes I fell in love with. At one time, Josh could flash a beaming smile my way bringing me to my knees. I was putty in his hands, fawning at his feet. But as the mask slipped away and the ugliness began to show through, my heart started to harden, protecting myself from feeling anything for Josh.
“I-I’m not perfect, Josh. I try to be a good wife and momma, but no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.”
“A good momma doesn’t keep her kids out late on school nights. A good wife doesn’t come draggin’ in, reekin’ of another man’s scent, Savannah.”
“I tried to explain that to you last night, Josh.”
“You did, but I don’t believe your bullshit.”
“I thought you loved me, but now I don’t think you are even capable of loving anyone.”