He made to reach out to her but she held up her hand like a stop sign. ‘No. Don’t try and talk me out of it. You’re the one who talked me into this ridiculous plan in the first place. I should never have agreed to it. I’m going back to London. Our engagement is over.’
A muscle clenched at the side of his mouth as if he was trying to control an involuntary tic. ‘This is crazy. You’re not thinking straight—’
‘That’s exactly what I am doing,’ Emily said. ‘I’m thinking how wrong it is to bring a child into a relationship that has a clock ticking on it. Who does that? It’s not what I want for my life. I want the fairy-tale; I’m not ashamed of wanting it, either. It’s what most people want—to be loved. I stayed in a loveless relationship for seven years. Every one of those years I lived in hope, wishing things would get better, but they never did. I can’t afford to give up any more of my life to a relationship that isn’t working for me.’
‘I told you from the start what I was prepared to give you,’ he said. ‘I haven’t made promises or pretended things I don’t feel. I want to be involved in my child’s life. I don’t want my child to be punished because of my mistake.’
That was how he saw his relationship with her—as a mistake. Loukas had offered her a one-night fling and it had come with consequences. Consequences he had been prepared to take responsibility for but with conditions she couldn’t accept. Not now she loved him. She knew he felt wretchedly guilty about the accident, but it didn’t mean he had to punish himself for the rest of his life, denying himself normal human feelings in a quest to right the wrongs of the past. Who had control over love anyway? It happened no matter what you did to avoid it. She hadn’t expected to fall in love with him, it had crept up on her. Each kiss, each touch, each time he made love to her, the feelings had blossomed and grown until she could no longer ignore them.
Emily shook her head at him. ‘That’s the kicker right there. You see me as a mistake. That’s how you see our baby. An accident you’re now dutifully dealing with, just like you dutifully deal with your mother and sister. I don’t want to be dealt with dutifully, Loukas, I want to be dealt with devotedly. I deserve it and so do you.’
His expression was as stony as one of the ancient walls of the Old Town they had walked past a few days ago. ‘You say you love me, so why are you leaving?’
‘Because in the long run it will hurt you if I stay,’ Emily said. ‘It will hurt me and it will hurt our baby too. I won’t stop you being involved. You can come to the twelve-week scan, if you like, and of course the birth, if you want to.’
His hands were shoved in his trouser pockets as if he was determined not to touch her, although she sensed there was a struggle going on inside him, for a tiny muscle in his jaw was working overtime. ‘What about the press? They’ll hound you for a statement.’
Emily started packing her things but her hands wouldn’t seem to co-operate. She couldn’t fold a thing but had to scrunch her clothes into creased balls. She would not cry. She would not cry. She must not cry. The tears welled in her eyes but she stoically blinked them away. Her chest ached as though someone had wrenched apart her ribcage and torn out her heart but she continued to snatch her belongings from wherever she had last left them: her watch from the bedside table. Her phone charger from the power point next to the bed. Her make-up bag from the bathroom. She worked like an automaton—a robot programmed to complete a task. But inside she wanted to throw herself to the ground like a hysterical child and pummel the floor with her hands and heels.
Why don’t you love me? Why? Why? Why?
‘I would never say anything bad about you,’ she said at last. ‘I’ll simply tell them the truth. I’ve changed my mind about marrying you, but we will be co-parenting our child, and look forward to its birth, like any other parents.’
‘Leave that,’ he said, jerking his head towards the things she’d thrown in a jumble on the bed. ‘I’ll get Chrystanthe to pack them for you.’
She looked at the pile of clothes and the jewellery he’d given her and swallowed a thick knot in her throat. ‘I can leave the jewellery and the box. You might like to give it to someone—’
‘Take it,’ he said, turning away as if it no longer concerned him what she did.
In the end she took the box but not the jewellery. She left the ring and earrings on the bedside table, locked the box with the little key to keep the lid secure and slipped it into her handbag while he had his back turned to her.
‘I need to get a flight,’ Emily said, brushing her hair back with her hand, suddenly a little overwhelmed at what she was doing. This was the problem with not being single for so long. You didn’t know how to do stuff any more. When was the last time she had booked a flight for herself? Daniel had always done the flights when they’d gone anywhere. It had been his job, just as it had been his job to take out the garbage and empty the dishwasher. Even the flight to Allegra’s wedding had been booked for her by Draco. She fought down the panic.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. You can do this.
She glanced at Loukas and saw he already had his phone out. What did that mean? That he was keen to see her go?
‘I’ll book you a flight,’ he said in a curt, business-like voice, which she took as a sign she was doing the right thing by leaving. If he loved her he would have been on his knees begging her to stay. He would have been smothering her with kisses and caresses, telling her he couldn’t live without her. He certainly wouldn’t be whipping out his phone to book her on the next available flight.
She kept her expression composed but inside she was screaming, Don’t let me leave!
Emily didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to Chrystanthe because it was the housekeeper’s night off. She scribbled a short note, thanking her for everything, and left it propped on the kitchen counter while Loukas carried her bag out to the car.
The drive to the airport was painfully silent.
Even to the point where Loukas helped her check in to the private jet he’d organised, she hoped he would say something. Anything. But it was as if he was seeing to the departure of an acquaintance. He didn’t touch her. He barely even looked at her and, when he did, his expression was as locked down as hers.
When it was time to board, she held out her hand but he coldly ignored it. ‘Really?’ he said with a cutting edge to his voice.
Emily dropped her hand along with the last of her hopes. Her heart was so heavy it felt as though it were towing the jet she was about to board. Couldn’t they at least part as friends? How were they supposed to be parents of their child if they could barely speak to each other? ‘I’ll let you know the date of the scan.’
‘Fine.’
She searched his face for a sign that he was finding this as difficult as she was but there was nothing there. It was as if he had wiped every emotion from the hard drive of his personality. There wasn’t even a flicker on the screen of his face. ‘Goodbye, Loukas.’
He didn’t answer.
Emily turned and walked down the boarding corridor, but when she glanced back for one last look at him he had already gone.