You'll Miss Me When I'm Gone

I make another vow. One day I will be loved for my music and my mind by someone who puts me above everyone else. Maybe someone who is discovering love for the first time too. I will not be a secret. I will be a declaration.

I cannot believe I spent so much time making Tovah miserable. We could have been growing closer with the time we have left. I don’t wish our fates were reversed—how could I wish this on anyone?—but knowing what will happen to Ima and me and being unable to stop it must be its own kind of torture. She deserves this happiness.

Henry catches wher

e I’m looking. “They’re cute together, huh?”

“Yeah,” I say around the knot in my throat. “They really are.”

I tear my gaze away. I’ve always been good at getting what I want . . . and one day, I will have that.

A bridge and a chorus later, the music switches to something fast again, and Henry says, “I’ve clearly gotten you out of your comfort zone enough for one night, but would you believe this is my second favorite song?”

I shake my head, laughing as we head back to the dance floor.

After the dance winds down, the six of us hang out in a hotel room upstairs. Troy pulls out bottles of rum and Coke and pours them into the Styrofoam cups next to the coffeemaker.

“Classy.” Lindsay accepts a cup and raises it to him.

Troy loosens his tie. “Anyone have a deck of cards? We could play strip poker or something similarly debaucherous.”

“I’m not playing strip poker,” Tovah says.

“Fine, what about Ten Fingers?”

“How do you play?” I ask.

“Everyone holds up ten fingers, and we go around saying something we’ve never done. If you’ve done it, you have to put down a finger. First person to put down all ten fingers wins.”

“Or loses, depending on how you look at it,” Lindsay puts in.

We go several rounds of this game. I’ve never had sex in a public place. I’ve never cheated on a test. I’ve never read Harry Potter. It lasts an entire hour. Maybe these are the experiences I should have been collecting, hanging out with people my age, playing stupid games, laughing until my stomach hurts.

“I can call an Uber whenever you’re ready to go home,” Henry says

“I have a little bit left in me.” Our cups are empty, so I get to my feet and say, “I’m going to get more ice.”

I grab the bucket and head into the hall. After I fill it, I check my phone out of habit. There’s nothing new on it, but I put my thumb on Arjun’s name anyway. He sent me one text last week, which simply said, I hope you’re okay, and I replied, Fine. I must have frightened him because he hasn’t said anything to my parents, and I’m certain he won’t. Whenever I think about it—and I try my best not to think about it—I realize Arjun was not this great love of my life. It was doomed from the beginning.

I thought I could force him to love me. Relationships are not about control, though, and perhaps that is why I have never had a real one. I want to always feel strong when I am with guys. That isn’t going to change. I am always going to wear my dresses and red lipstick because I like them. I am always going to have people watch me when I am onstage, but my looks are not the only things that make me Adina.

Arjun knew I was vulnerable and perhaps took advantage of that, but I shouldn’t have threatened him. My last words to him were cruel. That is not who I am anymore.

I send him one last text: I won’t say anything. Then I delete the entire conversation and erase his name and number too. I won’t check to see if he replies, and I doubt he will. Gone from my phone, from my mind, from my life.

I’m not settling for another relationship that revolves around my body.

A click, and the door to our room opens. Tovah makes a strange face when she sees me sitting across the hall.

“Hey,” she says. “I was wondering where you were. Had to make sure you didn’t have a tragic ice machine accident.”

“Nope,” I say. “Needed a little break, I guess. I’m not used to . . .” I wave my hand in the direction of the room. All those people.

She nods, getting it. I realize she’s wearing her evil-eye bracelet again. We both are. “Can I sit with you?” she asks.

“Go ahead.”

“It looked like you were having a good time with Henry.” She slides down onto the carpet next to me.