Under the Stars and Stripes (Under Him)

Staring at her naked body in the shower through the French double doors across the room later, I can almost see an entire life with this girl. It’s like her whole body is a crystal ball revealing secrets to me every time I gaze into it.

God, I hope I never have to stop looking.

Chapter Nine - Brittany

Just one week ago, if you had told me that I’d be this happy today, I’d probably just have rolled my eyes and walked away because the entire world was falling apart all around me.

At least that’s how it seemed.

Now, with a little perspective at a safe distance from the initial fallout of my life exploding when the restaurant closed, I can say for sure that, yes, my life was bursting into flames and burning to ashes so quickly that I thought I’d never recover.

But what I know now is that all of this happened for a reason.

I used to roll my eyes, as well, when people would tell me that everything happens for a reason. That turn of phrase always seemed so pedestrian to me, no more meaningful than a fortune cookie at the end of a Chinese dinner or a vague horoscope at the back of a trashy magazine targeted to all people born within a 30-day range.

However, this distance from the explosion has given me a sort of out-of-body look at the fact that this had to happen this way. It sounds insane, I know, but the truth is that if the diner hadn’t closed and I hadn’t had to give up my apartment or fight with my dad and find a new job, none of these amazing things would have turned out the way they did.

What I saw while out of my body was the end of a life, yes, but it was not the end of me. Because as the smoke cleared and wafted away on the wind with the ashes and embers that were left, I could see myself across the way, stronger from survival of the worst possible scenario and more beautiful as a result of the strength.

I saw that version of me just the same way I saw myself in that bus bench ad across the street from the diner a few days after it closed.

The whole world had to slow down so that I would be able to see myself both in the eyes of that model in the ad and in my ethereal self-emerging from the fire and ash like an immortal Phoenix beginning anew the circle of life almost unrecognizable from its former self.

I had to let the diner close (not that I could control that one way or the other) so that I could go looking for a job and meet Simon.

And I had to fight with my father and let him slap me across the face (nor could I stop that from happening, either) in order to remove myself from him completely and lean on Simon so that we could really be intimate together in a way we both longed for but probably would have avoided doing if we only saw each other with a camera standing between us.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy, or happy at all from what I can tell about all these new emotions tickling me inside like I’ve never experienced before.

But I do know that I never want to go back to how I felt before I learned all of this. When your old phoenix dies, it’s just ash. It comes back anew and all that ash it has shed must be left behind and scattered to the four corners of the earth on the backs of the wind.

Today Sarah has decided to come to the studio for her camera test with Tony and Simon. I’m so excited at the prospect of us getting to work together. It’ll feel so much more like it did when we lived together, maybe even more like it did when we were kids in school together.

It’s quite amazing that in all these years, Sarah and I have never tired of one another. I know that not everyone is lucky enough to have a best friend like that, and I don’t take it for granted.

And the fact that Simon actually seemed very excited when I told him my best friend was also wanting to model was just the cherry on the sundae.

It’s weird with Simon sometimes. Not because anything is the matter with him or with us, mind you. I’ve just never had a man in my life who is constantly encouraging and supporting me and telling me that I’m beautiful.

And to find one on the very first round of the game?

It’s like never having bought a lottery ticket, then one day buying a scratcher from a gas station on a whim and realizing that you just spent $1 and ended up coming out $9,999 richer.