Under the Stars and Stripes (Under Him)

More, even. Because I don’t know that there’s a numerical value I could assign to this man that would sufficiently represent his value.

“Omigod, I’m so excited you’re here,” I tell Sarah, when I meet her out front.

“I’m excited too!” she says. “I can’t wait to meet Simon.”

“You’re going to love him,” I say as I lead her inside.

“And what about this business partner of his? Is he as yummy as your man?”

“He’s definitely a looker,” I tell her, although I never was quite as struck by how handsome Tony was as I was by Simon’s looks.

But Sarah and I have always had different tastes in almost everything.

If I ordered a chocolate shake, she’d order a strawberry shake.

If I wanted a pepperoni and Italian sausage pizza, she wanted one with pineapples and onions, and she wanted it to be a calzone.

If I was going to take a hot bath to help me relax, she’d probably be taking a cold shower to help her wake up long enough to finish whatever homework she needed to do.

Night and day don’t have shit on the two of us. And maybe that’s what makes us so difficult to pull apart. We fill in the gaps in each other without even having to try.

“So how are things going at Simon’s, then?” she asks me once we’re inside.

“They’re going surprisingly well, actually,” I tell her. “You know I was really afraid it was going to be awkward, but after the first day–”

“When he fucked you and took your precious, precious virginity,” she adds.

“Right, that. I don’t know, it just felt like all the awkwardness had been gotten through on that first night. And he… well, he definitely made me feel right at home.”

“How’s the sex? I mean… I know you don’t have anything to compare it to, but you can still tell good sex from bad sex even on your very first time.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Ummm… how do I put this?” I ask, as I wrack my brain for words sufficient to describe the number of times I’ve climaxed in the past few days.

“That bad?” she asks. “Leave him now before you get in to deep. You can still work here probably.”

“No, actually, it’s not bad at all,” I tell her. “In fact… it’s so good that there should be Fourth of July fireworks being set off a bit early, just to celebrate it.”

“Reeeeaaaally?!” she asks me, as she pulls her chest away and tries to hide a smile. “Well look at you, you little skank!”

She high fives me then, but pulls her hand away kind of quick as her expression changes and she goes on.

“Oh, but you know what’s kind of disappointing about that?” she asks, much to my confusion. “If they did set off fireworks to celebrate your amazing sex life–”

“—it would use up all the fireworks for Independence Day,” I said, finishing her sentence, which is a habit for us.

“Exactly. Well, if you saw what he’s packing, you might see why it’s worth hogging up all the fireworks and lighting up the sky for,” I tell her, which causes her to erupt into laughter.

“Damn… he must have some cock.”

In the studio, Simon greets us near the door with a smile so wide I know it’s going to make Sarah just a teensy bit jealous.

“Hi, I’m Simon,” he says, as he extends his hand to shake hers.

“Oh, are you kidding me?” she asks.

“You’re basically my brother-in-law now. Give me a hug,” she says as she opens her arms and nearly tramples him in an effort to embrace.

“Yeah, he’s also basically gonna be your new boss, which is dependent solely upon what happens in this room over the next half hour,” I tell her. “So maybe dial it back just a little.”

“Right, right,” she says, as she pulls off of him, which doesn’t prohibit her from giving him the ole’ up-and-down-checkin-him-out once-over. Her head stops when her eyes are level with his groin.

“Oh, you were right about the firework thing,” she says to me as she turns my way.

“You can tell through his pants?” I ask.

“Honey, I could tell over the phone if I really concentrated on the energies I was getting from a man.”

“Hi, everyone. What’s going on?” Tony asks, as he and Justin enter from the office area.

“Oh, they’re just talking about my penis,” Simon informs them.

“A conversation piece that has delighted the intellect of dozens from free clinic to free clinic across Los Angeles County for nearly three decades,” Justin says, without ever once looking at any of us.

When no one laughs, although it is sort of funny, he exhales quite dramatically and spins around on one foot.

“I’m so incredibly bored with straight people,” he mutters to himself as he walks off. “None of them can ever take a joke.”

“And yet there’s never a boring moment when he’s around,” I say more quietly.