God of Temptation (Immortal Matchmakers, Inc)

Votan, God of Love. Hehehe. The Universe had the best sense of humor. Having such an unmanly power was going to drive him crazy. “Okay. Who has Votan’s powers? Raise your hand if you feel like evoking death and destruction. Anyone? Anyone?”

Angry turquoise eyes stared back.

“I’m sorry, okay?” said Cimil. “But it was either escape via demon portal or stay locked up while Maury the demon destroys everything we’ve spent seventy millennia trying to protect. I swear—on the lives of my deceitful spawn—that there was no other choice. But at least we’re free of the underworld, right?”

Kinich, the ex-Sun God turned vampire, now turned back to a deity with powers unknown, walked up. He was nearly seven feet tall with long golden hair and a killer tan. “And where, sister, are we exactly?”

“A cave. But a snazzy one. Lots of light, thanks to Ixy and her balls.”

“Where is this cave?” he asked, his voice tight with restrained anger.

“Siberablablablah.” Cimil partially covered her mouth.

“What was that? Didn’t hear you.” Kinich stepped closer.

“I said I think we are in Siberia.”

“You said we’d pop out near Vegas!” Votan barked and then slapped a hand over his mouth. “I’m so sorry. Was I too loud just then? I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Oh gods. This is the best thing to happen since the Cimilites landed and brought us Spanks. “No worries, Cupid. There were probably too many of us, and we were redirected to the nearest portal with the capacity for our group.”

“Cimil! Dammit! Why did we trust you?” Ixy coughed up a baseball-sized ball of sunshine.

Cool. “Don’t get upset with me, guys,” Cimil said. “I don’t make the rules, I just torture you with them. ’Kay?”

“Oh my gods. How are we going to get home?” asked Colel, circling her hand over her paunch. “Not like we have phones to call anyone.”

Nope. In fact, everyone was bare-ass neked. It was going to make for a very cold hike out of here.

“Wait!” Cimil smiled. “I have a solution.”

“I am not riding a unicorn,” said Ah-Ciliz, the God of Solar Eclipses, who’d just woken up and was holding his stomach. “What’s that cramping? And why does my foot itch?”

Score! I was waiting to get rid of those powers. Menstrual cramps and toe jam were not useful gifts. But as the Goddess of Random Things, she’d been stuck with the category of annoying bodily functions, among many others.

Cimil stepped away from Ah-Ciliz. “Don’t you worry. This is way better. No unicorns involved.” Besides, the only unicorn she could summon was Minky, and who knew where she was?

“Well?” Votan pushed. “What’s your idea to get us out of here this time?”

“I’m going to have Ixy kill us all with fireballs.” They should be sent back to their realm. From there, they could come through a proper portal designed for gods. Also, there were Uchben bases close by their cenotes. They’d all be picked up and flown to wherever they needed to go.

“Cimil, it will take days for us all to go through another portal and get fresh bodies. I can’t make Emma wait like that when I know she’s been worried for weeks.”

“Try nine months.”

“Nine! I’ve missed nine whole months with my kids?” Votan slapped his hands over his mouth again. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disrespect you again. Kindness is the only way.”

Hysterical. Cimil was never going to get enough of squishy, soft Votan. Strangely, though, she also had the urge to crush his weak skull.

Votan continued with a sweet and gentle voice, “I think we should all hold hands and hike out of here. With love on our side, it should take us a day to find a phone. There’s an Uchben base near the Tolmachevo Airport. It wouldn’t take them long to come pick us up, since they are loyal and devoted soldiers who bless us with their protection. Then we can rendezvous with our mates at the Italy base. Maybe pick flowers. Sing songs about our reunion.”

Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes.

Okay. Maybe that’s going to get old quick. “Knock yourself out kumbayaing, brother, but whoever has my underworld communication powers might want to give some serious thought to the fireball option. Listening to the dead is no picnic. Except on Thursdays. When they all picnic. But aside from that, it’s a massive bummer. Oh, and they’ll drive you nutso butso because they never sleep. Well, except on the day before the summer solstice, ’cause, yeah. Solstice. Gotta rest up. Otherwise, you’ll want my help learning to tune them out.”

Cimil’s eyes swept around the group of faces. Only one of her brethren wasn’t glaring at her. That particular deity looked terrified.

He got my powers? Wow. Never saw that coming. Now I just need to figure out what bag of tricks I have. Suddenly, Cimil felt strange. Like all the humor and joy of life were drained from her body. Well, crap! She knew exactly whose powers she had. Didn’t see that coming either.