But deep in my belly I know.
Deep in my belly, I can feel what is happening.
I caused this.
Being with these men caused this.
And I don’t know how or why, but it must be true. They look at me with love that’s too intense to have occurred in one day’s time. I gave into this passion because I was longing to be seen. I am so tired of being lost; desperate to be found.
But at what cost for that sort of love?
“Harlow,” West cries, searching for my hand, but before we touch, he’s ripped from my reach by the pressure of the wind.
“We need a life raft, something,” Eric screams. But there isn’t time. And we watch in horror as Eric is carried from the boat, tossed into the dark sea.
I scream as Kai and West are pushed into the ocean by a wind stronger than any scientist could measure. I watch in horror, shaking with fear.
Crew pulls me to him, vowing to never let go.
But those promises mean nothing in the eye of this storm. He wraps his arms around me as the wind pushes hard against us, forcing us to the ground. My thigh hits hard against the wooden boat deck, and I scream.
But it is no longer in fear.
Now I scream in fury.
I unleash a torrent; my call is loud, and it comes from somewhere inside me I’ve never known. It shakes the storm, it seizes the wind, and I make a demand of the sea in the pause.
“Stop it,” I insist with a rage I’ve never known myself to possess. “Now!” I command.
The sea listens. I stand up, telling Crew to stay put, vows be damned. I tell him now it’s up to him. He must keep the boat safe because it’s all we have left.
“Look for the raft and life preservers,” I tell him. “Just promise you’ll stay here.” I stand on the railing, the rain still pouring, but the storm has passed. It’s like I spoke, and it listened. “Crew, be the anchor we all need right now. Because Eric is drowning, and Kai is drowning, and West is drowning and we’re not. I have to go after them.”
Then I dive into the water and before my head touches the surface of the sea, I feel my body shift.
My green legs are no longer legs as they glide into the ocean. I dive into the ocean that heard my call and I am no longer the woman looking for her lovers.
I am a siren looking for her sailors lost at sea.
17
Harlow
Under the water, I take in massive gulps of salty water as if it’s the only thing that could possibly purge me of the horror of what is below the surface of the water.
I blink back tears that no longer exist. Can you even cry if you live in the water? I feel my body quake with fear. I can’t be a siren. What happened to the pink-haired girl who is trying to figure out her life?
How is she now this... this creature swimming toward the men who were thrown overboard, from a storm she summoned? This isn’t real.
It can’t be.
Because right now, she is forced to choose between Eric and Kai and West. Three men, all sinking to the bottom of the sea.
I’m just one person or maybe just one half-person. How can I save them all?
Before I am forced to make a choice, Kai comes into view. I see him first, so I will save him first.
My heart breaks--no it shatters--as I take his hand in mine, and with a strength that is otherworldly, I pull him from the sea, swimming up to the surface of the water.
He doesn’t move, his body is cold. When I push his head out of the water, I look around, desperate for Crew to be here, to help.
He is.
“Crew,” I scream as Kai’s eyes open.
He sees me. He takes a breath, clawing at the air with a desperate need.
He is alive.
Thank god. “Take him!” Crew moves quickly, with skill and without hesitation. Thank god, he is not stunned by trauma; he is moved to action. He takes Kai from my arms as I swim to the back ladder of the boat. He reaches down, and grabs hold of his friend.
“I’ve got him, Harlow. Go.”
I nod, lips trembling. The emotions that rise inside of me are terrifying.
I would do anything for these men. Dive to untold depths and risk my life.
I know what this feeling is.
I doubted it before but now… now I know.
And there is no room for doubt when lives are on the line. I am strong enough to accept what these men offer, and I am strong enough to fight for their survival.
My body shakes as it absorbs this truth.
“Be a badass. Don’t get scared now,” Crew says, steadying me.