Please, Daddy (Love, Daddy)

She gives me a salty smile, then spins on her heel back toward the front of the store. Before we came to the boutique, Merrick took me to a little toy store in town. It was like being in the North Pole. I never really had a Christmas, or birthdays and looking at all the stuffed animals and toys made me feel like I was a little girl again.

Merrick indulged me completely. Sitting on the floor with me having a play tea party with some teddy bears. Then, trying to use a hula-hoop until we knocked over a display of American Girl dolls and almost got kicked out of the store. He bought everything I touched, and the same as with the lady in the boutique, he told them to wrap it up and we would be back for it later.

After the toy store, it was a jewelry store. I’ve never been in a real one before and I was overwhelmed by the shimmering, glimmering trinkets. I didn’t dare think of choosing anything and truth is, I was a little embarrassed by the niggling hope of having something so precious.

We left without buying anything after Merrick had a talk with the owner who seemed familiar to him. He took me to get a coffee, and we sat inside the little local coffee shop, chatting and lingering until we were finished. Then, to my surprise, when we went back out to his truck, there was a little velvet box with a bow on my seat.

He put on the little anklet with a ballet dancer charm and a thick double clasp so I wouldn’t lose it.

He treats me like a real princess. Even this morning, we took a long shower after our deck activities and Merrick washed my hair and my body. I feel so special with him, and the truth is, I feel more than just safe, I feel committed. Like we are already deep into this relationship somehow, in a matter of a couple days.

I’ve never felt secure with anyone, ever, not even my so-called parents. It’s confusing, and the new hope I feel twists with old doubt inside of me.

I’ve never known what it’s like to have roots, and from our conversations this morning, Merrick has solid roots, not only here in the community but with his family. I don’t even know how that would feel.

It makes me think of my sister. Wondering if she’s okay. Wanting to tell Merrick about her. Even ask if we can maybe take her away as well…I shake the thought away. The fear they will come for me is one thing, but if two of us were to defect, they would surely send out an army to bring us back.

I don’t know what to do, there’s not right solution so I do my best to think of the wonder of the day, and hope somehow, someday I can get my sister to freedom as well.

“You feeling okay, baby?” Merrick brushes my cheek with his thumb as I lean into him, his hard legs under my rear end, the yellow sundress so soft on my skin.

“Yes. I’m a little tired but wide awake at the same time. A little sore, too, but I feel better than I have in as long as I can remember.”

“Good. You should always tell me, good and bad, how you feel, okay? I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on inside that beautiful head, heart and body of yours.”

I nod, agreeing, but deep down I wonder if I will ever be able to adjust to such a normal sort of life. What if the wanderlust that’s been my existence is so ingrained I can’t stay in one place for long? Merrick has a career, a position in the community, a family, a home…what if I can’t do this?

My life has been a revolving door of families and working people for what we can get. I’ve never really belonged in a real family, but as I feel Merrick’s warmth next to me, I think I love him. I think I’m in love with him. And when, not if, he leaves, it will destroy me. Because I’ve never let myself feel anything like this before.

Fear clamps around my throat and I know I have to find a way to protect myself from the pain I know is coming.

“I have a surprise.” Merrick lifts me to my feet, then stands next to me, draping his arm around my shoulders.

“You’ve done enough for me already.”

“That will never be true, little one. But, we’re going to have lunch with my parents and a few friends. I want them to meet you.”

Panic stabs into my throat. Parents? Friends?

“I don’t know.” I shake my head, the hope too high a price to pay if this turns out not to be real.