Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

As much as I wanted to protest against Emily’s words, I didn’t completely disagree with her. Yet, Adam had a lot of good traits that others didn’t see. It was also nice to be in a relationship with no drama. We were comfortable around each other and rarely fought. Maybe there weren’t any amazing peaks to our relationship, but there weren’t any deep valleys either. A lifetime of equanimity wasn’t such a bad thing.

My thoughts drifted to Logan. Whatever we had between us was the opposite of Adam and me. Logan and I were just friends, but our relationship was more tumultuous than any I had ever been in. Yet, there were so many moments when just being in Logan’s company made me dizzyingly happy, for no other reason than his mere presence.

I shut those thoughts down quickly. They were dangerous and forbidden. Either Logan and I would repair our friendship or we would part ways. There was no chance of anything more between us, and he had nothing to do with my decision about Adam.

“Madison, you there?”

Emily’s voice jarred me out of my thoughts. “I’m here. I’m not sure whether I’m considering it or not. Like I told Adam, I need some time to think it over.”

“What about Logan?”

“What about Logan?” My voice was more defensive than it should have been, but his name raised my hackles since I was already conflicted about my relationship with him.

“Are you seriously denying that you have feelings for him?”

I hadn’t told Emily about what had happened in Laurenston, especially since she didn’t even know Logan had gone with me. It was too complicated to explain to her, and it would open up a topic that I didn’t want to talk about.

“Emily, I’ve told you a million times we’re just friends. Logan has nothing to do with my decision about marrying Adam.”

She sighed but didn’t push the subject. “What does the ring look like?”

“He actually didn’t have one. He wanted us to go together so that I could pick out something I liked.”

Emily groaned. “How unromantic is that. Who proposes without a ring?”

“He just wanted to make sure that I got exactly what I wanted,” I replied defensively. “After all, if I’m going to be wearing it for the rest of my life, picking it out myself makes sense.”

“You’re making it sound like you know what your answer is going to be.”

I sighed. “I really don’t. I still can’t believe it actually happened.”

Emily proceeded to demand details of exactly how the proposal had transpired, and I obliged by giving her a play-by-play. It was as much for myself as for her, since I was still trying to come to terms with it actually having taken place. She wasn’t too impressed by Adam’s approach, but I could tell she was trying to stifle her objections.

“Let’s meet for lunch tomorrow,” she suggested when I was finished. “We can dissect everything some more.”

“I can’t. I’m way behind on my article, and I’ll have to work through lunch tomorrow to get my article to Jameson by Friday.” It was a lie, but I knew that tomorrow wouldn’t be a good day for me. It was the anniversary of Cassie’s death, and I needed to be alone. “Why don’t we meet up for lunch on Saturday?”

“Sounds good. I have to work on Saturday but I’m sure I can squeeze in a lunch. Something of this magnitude needs to be discussed in depth.”

I laughed at Emily’s enthusiasm. Despite her opinion that marrying Adam would be a mistake, she still relished the excitement of drama, and this definitely fit the bill.

My humor faded a

fter I got off the phone with her. Instead of thinking over Adam’s proposal, I found myself preoccupied with what Logan’s reaction would be if he knew about it. Would he be upset? Would he even care? Despite his insistence that there was something more between us than friendship, I wasn’t sure how much of that was just remnants of the past. And why was I giving so much headspace to his possible reaction?

I stopped that train of thought because I didn’t want to examine my feelings for him too closely. It was dangerous and fruitless, and didn’t do anyone any good, especially me.

I decided there was nothing to do except go to bed. I could ponder Adam’s proposal tomorrow after a good night’s rest.

Except that falling asleep was impossible. Adam’s proposal, mixed in with thoughts about Logan and the significance of tomorrow’s date, became too much for me. I got up and padded to the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, taking out a bottle of sleeping pills. I tried to use them sparingly and only when I really needed them, but I knew I would never get to sleep without them tonight.

After swallowing a couple of pills with a glass of water, I went back to bed and was grateful when they started to take effect. I felt my body start to become heavier as I drifted off into a deep sleep.

Chapter Eight

Red. Everything was red. I raised my wrists in front of me and my mouth opened in a soundless scream. Rivulets of blood streamed down my arms from violent gashes sliced vertically down my wrists.

I sank to my knees as my life poured out of me, yet I felt no pain. A pool of blood rapidly grew around me, covering the floor in a gruesome sheen of crimson. I frantically tried to put pressure on my torn flesh to stop the bleeding, but I was too weak and could barely move my hands.