Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

It wasn’t until my second cup of coffee that I allowed myself to think about Logan. Despite what had happened between us, a part of me was still expecting to hear from him today. Out of everyone in my life, he was the only one that knew what today signified. There was no point in contacting Mrs. Brooks since she didn’t recognize today as the anniversary of her daughter’s death. How could she when she pretended Cassie was still alive?

I watched dawn break as I nursed my cup of coffee. My heart felt heavy, and I knew there was no point in trying to banish the ache in my chest. Nothing would make it disappear except time.

I had no appetite, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal. If nothing else, it was something to do. I made no attempts to work on my article, because I knew it would be fruitless. I turned on the television and half-heartedly paid attention to the morning news shows.

It was almost noon when my phone rang, and I jumped to answer it. My heart sank when I saw that it was Adam. I hadn’t given a moment’s thought to his proposal this morning. I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it yet, but I thought it would be cruel to ignore his call after he had put his heart out on the line last night.

“Hi, Adam.” I tried to make my greeting sound more enthusiastic than I felt.

“Morning. I was just checking in to see if you had an answer to my question yet.” Adam sounded cheerful and supremely confident as if he expected me to say yes right away now that I had slept on it. I tried to not be annoyed by his persistence. I had asked for some time to think it over, and less than twenty-four hours later, he was bugging me about it. It didn’t help that it was today of all days.

I took a deep breath as I told myself that Adam had no idea of today’s significance. I couldn’t blame him for not knowing. He knew about Cassie’s death but I had never shared the details of it with him.

“I’m sorry, Adam, but I still need more time. Can I give you a call this weekend?”

“You seriously need until the weekend?” He sounded affronted by the length of time I was asking for, and I had to suppress the urge to snap at him.

“This is one of the most important decisions of my life. I really need a few days to think it over.”

“Okay, Madison, I’ll give you until the weekend, but don’t think I’ll wait forever.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” My voice rose, and I couldn’t hide my ire. “I didn’t realize there was a time limit on the proposal. It’s not like I’m asking for a year to think about it. It’s just a few days!”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said in a placating voice. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just anxious about what the answer will be.”

I took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to get frustrated with you. Just give me a few days. That’s all I’m asking for.”

“Of course.”

We ended the phone call on good terms, but I was still aggravated by his pushiness. I decided to shelve any thoughts about his proposal until tomorrow. I had enough on my plate for today.

I ended up eating leftovers from last night’s Chinese for lunch, although I barely tasted it as it went down. I kept my cell phone close to me and even took it with me when I went to the bathroom, afraid that I would miss Logan’s call.

Waiting for his call, combined with trying to suppress memories of Cassie’s death, was making me extremely jittery. My jitteriness transitioned into despair the later it got as I realized there was a good chance that I wouldn’t hear from him. Maybe the damage that had been done to our friendship was irreparable, and I had lost him for good.

That realization, coupled with memories of Cassie that I couldn’t seem to keep at bay, pushed me even deeper into an almost debilitating depression. I wanted to cry, to sob out my feelings of sorrow and grief to release some of the tension, but my eyes stayed dry. Instead, the ache in my chest grew until it was almost unbearable.

I struggled against the memory of Cassie’s death, not wanting to remember, but it refused to be ignored. As I had done every year since our junior year of college, I relived her death as if it were happening all over again.

I checked my watch as I hurried home from class. Talking to my English professor about my paper had taken longer than I had anticipated, and now I would be late. I had promised Cassie I would be back to our dorm room by five o’clock so we could make the five-thirty showing of the latest chick flick at the local theater, but now we were in danger of missing the movie.

I walked quickly, trying to shield myself with my arm from the fat raindrops that were starting to come down. I cursed myself for not bringing an umbrella. It was only beginning to rain, but the intensity was building, and I didn’t doubt that in a few minutes it would become a downpour.

I ran the last few steps to our dorm building as the sky opened up to drench me. Once I was inside, I pushed the button for the elevator more times than necessary, shivering from the cold of the rain. When the elevator finally arrived, I stepped in and shifted from one foot to the other restlessly, silently urging the elevator to move faster. There was nothing I hated more than arriving late for a movie and having to strain in the dark for vacant seats.

The elevator doors opened with a ding when it reached our floor. When I got to our dorm room, I turned the doorknob only to find it locked. I frowned, thinking it was strange since we usually left it unlocked if one of us was in the room.

I knocked on the door since it would be easier than digging for my keys in my wet clothes, but there was no answer. I sighed heavily, thinking that maybe Cassie had fallen asleep while waiting for me. She slept like the dead, and it was nearly impossible to wake her up.

I fumbled inside my bag for my keys, cursing all the junk in it. I made a mental note to clean it out.

“Finally,” I muttered as my fingers closed around the cool metal of the keys. I hurriedly unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping inside.

The door opened directly to my side of the room and I dropped my bag on the floor next to my desk. I glanced at Cassie’s side of the room and saw that she was indeed in bed with her back turned towards me, facing the wall.

“Cassie, wake up!” I said loudly as I checked my appearance in the mirror hanging above my dresser. My hair was drenched from the rain, and I looked like a drowned mouse. I would barely have time to change. I glanced at Cassie’s reflection in the mirror, but she was still fast asleep.

“Wake up! We’re going to be late for the movie!” I said even louder, but she still didn’t move a muscle. I sighed as I walked over to jostle her awake. I had spent many mornings trying to wake her up so she wouldn’t be late for class.