Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

“Are you kidding me?” she exclaimed when I told her about my encounter with Logan and his invitation to his party.

“I know,” I said, relieved that she seemed as confused by Logan’s attitude as I was. “He was so nonchalant, like we were just two old friends bumping into each other.” I sighed deeply, trying to look at the situation from a different perspective. “Maybe I’m just making this out to be more than it is. It’s been a year since we ended a relationship that lasted for less than a month. Looking at it that way, I shouldn’t be surprised that he apparently has no lingering feelings for me.”

Emily’s voice was incredulous when she spoke. “Logan Delaney cared about you so much that he waited eight years for you to be ready to have a relationship with him. I saw his face when I told him about Adam’s proposal. I thought he was going to lose it right then and there. Your relationship can’t be quantified by the length of time you guys were a couple. He’s wanted you since you were a junior in college, and was willing to wait on the sidelines for his chance to be with you. That depth of feeling doesn’t just go away in a year.”

Instead of making me feel better, Emily’s reasoning reminded me of everything I had put Logan through. Instead of begrudging him his happiness and his apparent ability to get over me, I should be glad that it seemed like he had found someone he could be happy with. I had been given multiple chances with him and, afraid and insecure, I had let them all slip through my fingers.

“I don’t know,” I said, trying to talk past the ball of regret that was burning inside my chest. “Maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t matter. My chance with Logan is gone. I need to accept that. He’s moved on, and I need to be okay with that. Despite everything that’s happened, I’m not going to deny that I still care about him. I should be happy for him.”

A voice inside of me screamed in protest. I still love Logan. We should be together. He should be mine. If he had just given me one more chance, we would be together now.

I silenced the voice in my head. The faster I accepted that Logan and I would never be together, the sooner I could get past the pain. Despite telling myself this past year that I would probably never see Logan again, I admitted to myself that I had still hoped he would come back to me. Deep down, I had believed he just wanted to make sure I had been punished enough. I truly thought that, in the end, we would be together because I didn’t think he could just walk away from me forever. I had been so wrong.

“So, you’re okay with him playing house with some other woman?” Emily asked skeptically.

“Not yet, but I have to be,” I admitted truthfully. “What other choice do I have? I have no say in what he does with his life.”

“Do you think you can just be friends with him again?”

I hesitated before answering. The smart thing to do, the sane thing, would be to cut all ties with Logan. For both our sakes. He could move on with his life and I could try to heal the pain of losing him. But talking to Emily made me realize that I wanted Logan back in my life, even if only as a friend. There was a tinge of desperation in that desire, and it was sobering to realize I was willing to smother my pain just to be around him, but it was better than lying to myself. At this moment, I wanted Logan any way I could get him. Even as just a friend.

“I want to at least try,” I finally replied. “If it becomes too painful, I can step back, but maybe Logan and I can go back to the way we used to be before we got romantically involved.”

“Yeah, when he was pining away for you in secret,” Emily said drily. “If you think you can handle it, I guess you can try. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Don’t worry. If it starts getting to be too much for me, I’ll sever ties. Who knows. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Maybe he was just inviting me to his party to be polite.”

“So are you going to go?”

“I’m not sure yet. If I do, will you come with me?” I felt pretty juvenile, like a high-schooler asking her friend to come to the popular boy’s party with her, but I knew there was no way I’d consider going on my own.

I was relieved when Emily agreed, although she still sounded skeptical about the whole situation. After we ended our call, I tried to take my mind off Logan and picked up a book I had recently started reading.

Twenty minutes later, after I had reread the same page over and over again without absorbing a word, I threw it aside and turned on the television, hoping that there would be something on to distract me. I spent the next half hour compulsively turning the channels until I finally conceded defeat and turned it off. I was too antsy to concentrate on anything and I decided to try to burn off some of my nervous energy with a run.

My workout regimen was sorely lacking, as my most common form of exercise was walking from my living room to my kitchen. Still, I changed into my workout clothes, which hadn’t seen the light of day in months, and headed out, grateful that at least some of the humidity had dissipated.

I ran as hard as I could, trying to ignore my burning lungs and aching legs. Soon, my head was cleared of everything except for my attempt to succeed in mind over matter. My body was begging me to stop, but I forced myself to keep going as I tried to cleanse my mind of all the pain and regret that had threatened to break me down today.

By the time I made it back to my street, I was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily as I fought for air. I slowed down to a walk and wiped my forehead with my sleeve. The run had been brutal, but it had also succeeded in clearing my head, and I considered making running a part of my routine.

All the good my run had accomplished vanished when I got closer to my building and saw a familiar figure standing on the front stoop. I froze and considered turning around and running away. The fact that he was looking in my direction and had clearly seen me was the only reason I didn’t turn around and bolt.

I tried to regulate my breathing as I started walking again, telling myself to stay cool and not let him see how much his presence affected me. It didn’t help that I was a sweaty mess in a t-shirt and shorts while he looked completely unaffected by the heat in jeans and a blue button-down shirt.

I stopped at the bottom of the steps and looked up at him, shielding my eyes from the sun with a raised hand, trying to think of something to say.

“Hi,” I finally said. It was lame, but that was all I could come up with.

Logan walked down the short flight of stairs and I instinctively took a step back so that there was more space between us.

“I guess you’re wondering what I’m doing here,” he said. His tone was casual, but his blue eyes studied me like he could read every thought in my mind.

“I admit that I didn’t expect you to show up on my doorstep.” I waited for him to say something in response, but he just stood there, watching me. I couldn’t take the tension and spoke again to break the silence. “So… what’s up?”

I flinched inwardly at my lame question, but I tried to keep my face impassive. I didn’t understand Logan’s motives for being here, and I was afraid that one biting word from him would make me lose it.

Logan gave me a sardonic smile. “Not much. I just came by since our meeting earlier today was cut short.” He made a show of looking behind me before facing me again. “Where’s Emily?”