Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

Cassie laughed. “C’mon. It’ll be fun! The best thing to do is to scream your head off while you’re on it. It makes it bearable.”

I grimaced. “Bearable. That sounds just like my type of fun.”

“Just try it,” she pleaded. “I swear you won’t regret it. It’ll be my birthday present.”

“Does that mean you’re going to give me back the necklace I already gave you?” I smirked at her.

She grabbed the necklace around her neck as she tried to look offended, but it soon dissolved into laughter. “Okay, consider it my second birthday present.”

I sighed, but I knew it was inevitable. It was always hard for me to say no to Cassie, and she seemed hell bent on getting me on the mammoth roller coaster today. I flushed as guilt washed over me. I owed her a lot more than a roller coaster ride. I had betrayed her in the worst possible way, and I was going to hurt her immensely when I told her the truth. The least I could do was make today as fun as possible. I was afraid that this would be the last happy memory I would have with her once I confessed. I wanted to make it as memorable as I could.

“Alright,” I said, trying to sound begrudging. “But don’t blame me if I throw up on both of us.”

Cassie squealed in excitement and took my hand, dragging me to the line. It took a while for us to actually get on the roller coaster since it was a busy day, and the wait just gave my nerves a chance to worsen.

“Are you ready?” she asked excitedly when we were finally seated in our car. The workers were busy checking to make sure our seat restraints were secure, and I suppressed the urge to beg them to check mine more than once.

“Not really, but there’s no turning back now.”

“When we’re going down a steep descent, just scream like crazy. It’ll keep your stomach from having the sensation of flipping over itself. It’s also a great way to release all the crap in your head. That’s why I love roller coasters so much. In that moment, when you’re r

ushing down at a dizzyingly high speed, nothing else exists but your soul. You’re weightless and bodiless, and your mind empties of everything except for the feeling of flying.”

I gave Cassie a skeptical look. “You get all of that out of a roller coaster ride? I’d rather go to therapy. It’s safer and on the ground.”

She laughed but didn’t say anything else. I tensed as the roller coaster started to move. Of course Cassie had convinced me that we should sit in the front car so there was nothing between us and certain death.

I managed the small dips pretty well, but I hated the fluttering feeling it gave me in the pit of my stomach. The small hills were nothing compared to the steep incline we were currently climbing, and my anxiety level rose to an all-new high. I white-knuckled the bar of my seat restraint so hard that I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was breaking blood vessels in my hands.

“Remember to scream,” Cassie yelled over the wind and mechanical noises of the roller coaster. “’Scream your freaking head off.”

We reached the top of the steep hill and paused there for a moment. I cursed the sadistic designers of this roller coaster who wanted to give us plenty of time to be scared shitless before we made the fall.

Suddenly, we plunged down and I followed Cassie’s advice, screaming as loudly as I could. My screams released all the tension in my body, and soon my screams were interspersed with laughter. Expelling all that sound somehow made my stomach remain steady, and I felt gravity leave me as I was pushed into weightlessness. Nothing existed except the wind in my face and my screams, which sounded distant to my own ears. I felt incredibly free with nothing weighing me down. No guilt. No shame. No self-loathing. Just freedom.

The descents on the rest of the roller coaster were minor, and soon we were back at the loading area as the cars stopped with a jolt. Cassie turned to me, her face wind-kissed and framed by wisps of hair that had escaped her ponytail. Her brown eyes sparkled and she looked happy and carefree.

“See? It wasn’t so bad.”

“Yeah, I’m still alive,” I joked.

Cassie’s expression turned serious. “What’s the point of living if you never feel free?”

I woke with a sudden start from the memory. It had been a long time since I had dreamed about that last birthday before Cassie had killed herself. It had been such a happy day, but now when I thought back on it, I also saw the large clues that I had missed because I was too preoccupied with my own problems.

I pushed the memory aside as I groggily got out of bed. I had tossed and turned all night, and the last thing I remembered was looking at my alarm clock to see that it was well past four o’clock. It was now just barely seven o’clock, but I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep. Even if I were able to, I was afraid to dream about Cassie again.

I had turned my phone off last night, and when I turned it back on, I saw that I had a voicemail and several texts from Logan. I steeled myself as I read his texts.

We need to talk. Call me when you get this.

Turn your damn phone on. It keeps going straight to voicemail. I know you’re not sleeping.

If you don’t call me soon I’m just going to show up at your apartment.

The last text had been sent not too long ago. I listened to his voicemail, which had been recorded late last night, before he sent the texts. An involuntary shiver went down my spine as I listened to his deep voice. It reminded me of what we had done at the bar, and I couldn’t deny how good it had felt.

I need to talk to you. You asked me for one more chance a year ago, and I turned you away because I was too hurt. I wanted you to feel as much pain as I did. Now I’m asking you for one last chance, and I hope you won’t do the same to me. Dammit, Maddie, we’ve wasted enough time apart. Call me as soon as you get this. I’m not going to let you avoid me.