Chapter Twenty-One
We spent a blissful morning and afternoon together in bed. By unspoken agreement, we avoided any heavy topics and just reveled in each other’s company. I didn’t ask what excuse he had given Kristina for being gone, and Logan didn’t pressure me about what would happen next. But it became unavoidable when Logan’s phone started ringing in the late afternoon and I saw Kristina’s name flashing across his screen. I excused myself to the bathroom to give him some semblance of privacy, although I desperately wanted to hear their conversation. I could hear the murmur of Logan’s voice through the bathroom door but I couldn’t make out what he was saying.
Their conversation only lasted a couple of minutes, and I exited the bathroom a few moments after their call had ended. Logan was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed. I felt vulnerable in just my t-shirt, which barely grazed the top of my thighs, and wished that I had put my shorts back on before going into the bathroom.
Logan looked up when I came back into the bedroom, his expression tense.
“That was Kristina.”
I nodded, unsure of what to say.
“I have to go home and tell her the truth.”
A tiny part of me had been scared that what had just happened between us was an illusion and he would tell me this was just a meaningless distraction and he was going back to Kristina. I was relieved that this was really happening, that we were really going to be together, but I was also apprehensive about his impending confrontation with Kristina. She didn’t deserve to be betrayed like this, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my happiness for anyone else’s anymore. More importantly, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice Logan’s happiness for a sense of misguided obligation.
I walked over to Logan and he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me down until was I sitting on his lap. His hand slid under my shirt, stroking my hip, and despite everything, I felt the stirrings of desire. I stamped it down because there were serious issues at hand.
“What exactly are you going to say to her?” I asked.
Logan sighed heavily. “I’m going to tell her about us. She deserves the truth. I’ll try to leave out the details, and just hope that she takes it well.”
I frowned at him. “I doubt she’s going to take it well. She’s in love with you, you guys live together, and she moved all the way from California to be with you. I’d say she’s going to take it very, very badly.” I wished I could tell him to leave me out of it, to not tell Kristina about us, but it was cowardly of me to want to be spared being involved in this. I had put myself in this position, and I had to face the consequences.
It was painful when Logan left, not only because I would miss his company but because I knew he was on his way to devastate someone who didn’t deserve it.
I was a mess for the rest of the day. Logan had said he would contact me to let me know how things went, but I still hadn’t heard from him by nine o’clock that night. When my phone was still silent at midnight, I started imagining worst-case scenarios. What if Kristina was able to convince him to give their relationship another chance? How could I win him back if that happened? Did I want to try to win him back if he decided he wanted to be with her instead of me?
Then my mind went another route. An insidious route that brought so much baggage with it. What if Logan wasn’t contacting me because Kristina was so upset that she tried to hurt herself? How could I live with myself if I was responsible for another destroyed life?
The thoughts swirled inside my head until I thought I would go crazy. It was well past one in the morning when my phone beeped, alerting me to a new text. I grabbed it, preparing for the worst, but Logan’s message was brief and vague.
I can’t talk tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow.
My imagination went into overdrive. His text was so terse and emotionless that it scared me. It confirmed my fear about him changing his mind, and it took everything in me not to call and demand answers. I had told Logan I would trust him to handle his breakup with Kristina, and I needed to honor that. Still, couldn’t he have infused his text with at least a little bit of warmth? He had told me numerous times today that he loved me, but happiness with Logan had always been a mirage just out of reach. I was afraid that I would fall short again and lose him. Despite my fears, I tried to keep my anxiety out of my response when I texted him back.
Hope everything went okay. Talk to you tomorrow.
My te
xt didn’t require a reply, but my heart still sank when there was no answering text. I told myself it didn’t mean anything and that I had to have faith in him.
It was impossible to fall asleep that night. I tortured myself with what ifs until pure mental exhaustion made my eyes flutter close just when dawn was about to break.
I awoke with a start to a pounding on my door, confused that I hadn’t heard the buzzer for the entrance of my building. I was disoriented and I looked groggily at my alarm clock and saw that it was already eleven o’clock. The pounding on my door sounded again, and I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. It had to be Logan, and my heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing him. He had probably caught someone coming in or out of the building and hadn’t bothered with the buzzer. I took a few seconds to make sure that I looked presentable enough and then went to the door.
In my eagerness, I opened it without looking through the peephole and my stomach dropped when I found Kristina standing there. In all the scenarios I had imagined in my mind, I had never anticipated Kristina coming over to confront me. I didn’t even know how she knew where I lived, but that was the least of my problems. To her credit, she looked completely composed and calm, but I didn’t miss the burning emotion in her eyes.
“Can I come in?” she asked in an even-keeled voice.
“Sure,” I said quickly as I stepped back. I didn’t consider closing the door in her face; I was the offending party in this situation, and I figured if Kristina wanted some answers from me, she deserved them. That didn’t stop me from feeling sick by whatever was about to happen.
She took the lead as she walked into the living room, and I had to resist the urge to wring my hands with anxiety as I followed her. Where was Logan? Did he know Kristina was here?
She halted and turned around to face me before she reached the couch. I stopped short, leaving a good distance between us, and waited for her to speak.
My discomfort grew as she just stood there for a few moments, silent as she studied me. A small, bitter smile touched her lips briefly before it disappeared.
“I can see it now that my blinders are off,” she said. “We do look alike.”