I kick my shoes off and sit in the chair, the tight plastic squeaking when I work to make myself comfortable . . . as if somehow sitting a certain way could manage to accomplish that. “Is there someone here with you today?” I nod my head. Luke, Mia and Benny are all sitting not-so-patiently in the waiting room. They’re like a bunch of mother hens that would
n’t take no for an answer, but it warms my heart to know that they all cared enough to want to be here with me. My mind drifts to Levi. I wonder if he would’ve wanted to be here with me . . . had he known. “Once we get you hooked up and started, I’ll be sure and get them for you.”
“There’s three of them.” I laugh, and Heather looks at me and smiles. “I tried to convince them that I’d be fine, but they insisted on coming. I don’t know why,” I say with a shrug. “I have no idea what they’re going to do for the next five hours.”
“Support you.”
“Huh?”
“That’s what they’re going to do for the next five hours. They’re going to support you. Believe it or not, this is usually just as hard on the loved ones as it is on the patients themselves. They need to know they can help out, even if it’s just in the form of support.” I look away, tears pricking the back of my eyes. She’s right. I never really thought about what this is doing to them. I shouldn’t be so hard on them for hovering. “Let them, okay?” I look back at the petite nurse, who seems to be imploring me to do as she says with her eyes more so than her words. “I see a lot of patients come and go, and some of them do this completely by themselves. No loved ones to sit by them or encourage them or hold their hand when they’re scared or sick, and I can’t imagine how that would feel. So let them. Let them worry about you. Let them sit here for five hours and watch this drip into your arm.” She points to the IV bag. I’m thankful Heather told me that. I needed to hear it. “They’re doing it because they love you and they’re scared.” I give her a tremulous smile and she nods. “Okay then. What do you say we get this started? Are you ready to get your first treatment out of the way?”
“Let’s do it.”
And I did.
With three nervous Nellies hovering around me and asking a ton of questions, I did it. It wasn’t at all what I expected either. It didn’t hurt. I had a small wave of nausea hit shortly after it started, but they gave me some ‘extra stuff’ in my IV that stopped that.
Benny and Mia handled things pretty well—under the circumstances, anyway—but Luke’s reaction just about broke me. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know about what this was doing to my baby brother. Eyes wide and glossy, he shoved the emesis basin at me right before he stood up and walked out the door. I wanted to go after him and assure him I was fine, but I couldn’t. Not only was I unable to get out of the chair but also because I wasn’t fine.
Luke came back after a couple of minutes and didn’t say a word. He simply pushed his chair as close to mine as he could get it, wrapped my hand in his and didn’t move until my treatment was over. He never said anything about it, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s worried about losing me the way we lost our mom.
I know I need to stay strong for them, the people who love me endlessly, but I also need to stay strong for myself. I can’t let myself get wrapped up in the what ifs. Because when I allow them in, even just a little bit, they take over and my mind shoots off into a thousand different directions. I have to stay strong. I can do this. Pushing the fear away, I regain control of my emotions.
I will be fine.
I will survive this.
Squeezing my facial cleanser into my hands, I rub them together and lather up my face, washing away my tears and insecurities. With precise, habitual movements, I wash my hair, shave my legs and then step out of the shower before wrapping myself in a towel. Pulling open the bottom drawer of my vanity, I reach for my blow dryer and then stop, my hand hovering in the air. My hair is a pain in the butt to blow dry; it’s long and it takes forever. Maybe I should get it cut, something cute and spunky. It’s going to fall out anyway, so I might as well try something new in the process, right?
I make quick work of applying my makeup, paying special attention to the dark circles under my eyes, and then I slip into my work clothes. Pulling open the door, I come face to face with Mia and Benny. They’re both leaning against the wall opposite the bathroom and they’re watching me expectantly.
“What the heck are you guys doing?”
“Were you crying?” Leave it to Mia to just put it out there. It’s not like I value my privacy or anything.
“No.” Scurrying past them, I keep my head down. Mia can tell if I’m lying from a mile away.
Benny’s hand shoots out, stopping my bedroom door before I’m able to slam it shut. “Bullshit. We heard you.”
“You heard my iPod. I wasn’t crying. Why would I be crying?”
“Maybe because—” Mia trails off and looks at Benny. She’s scared to say it.
“Because I had my first chemo treatment? Because I’m scared? Or maybe because I’m so exhausted I feel like I could crawl back into bed and hibernate for a week.” She looks back at me and I hate the sadness I see in her eyes.
“Yes. Because of that,” she whispers.
“Look . . .” Pulling them both into my room, I push them down on the bed so they’re sitting in front of me. “I appreciate what you guys are doing, but you’ve got to stop hovering. I need you to stop treating me like I’m a vintage porcelain doll and I could break with the slightest touch.”
“But we love you, and we want you to be okay.”
“I know you do, Mia, and I’m going to be okay. But I’m also going to have bad days. There are going to be times when I cry, and there will probably be times when I get angry, but there’s nothing you can do about it. One way or the other, it’s going to happen. I’ve accepted it and you have to accept it.” My eyes flit between Mia, who looks like she wants to hug me, and Benny, who looks about as uncomfortable as a nun in a strip joint.
Kneeling down, I drag my shoes out from under my bed and slip them on. “I’m tough, remember?” Hopping onto my feet, I flex my arms, giving my best ‘strong man’ impression. Benny reaches out and squeezes my bicep and immediately busts out laughing. I slap his arm then kiss both of them on the cheek and walk out, impressed with how well I handled that.
“Wait!” Mia’s feet are slapping against the hardwood floor as she scurries after me. “Where are you going?”
“Work.”