A Lover's Lament

My chest tightens at the thought of building an emotional connection with him if he belongs to someone else, and for a split second I hesitate to respond. Emphasis on spl

it second, which is over when I hit ‘reply,’ all thoughts of Wyatt completely gone.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject: Are you married?

Devin,

I hope I’m not coming off too forward, but I feel like we moved past that a while ago … say, in the first grade ;). So, here goes nothing. Are you married? You don’t have a girlfriend, wife or family at home, do you? I’m going to be blatantly honest, and if I’m way off the mark, then, well … we’ll just pretend I never wrote this email.

Your words have struck a chord with me. They hit me where it hurts, in the best way, and maybe it’s just nostalgia, but I feel a connection when I read your letters/emails. But I’m not going to lie, the thought of restarting our friendship—which I assume that’s what this is since we both continue to reply to each other—with someone that is already emotionally invested in another person doesn’t sit well with me. And considering our past, it wouldn’t be fair to your wife or girlfriend either.

But it’s not just that, even though that’s huge. Whatever this is, it scares the shit out of me. Not just because of the way things ended between us, but because you have the power to hurt me. And frankly, I won’t survive being hurt again.

My fingers tap nervously against the keys, my teeth chewing at my bottom lip as I reread what I wrote. Shit. I sound like an idiot. Who the hell writes that to someone they barely know anymore? It’s none of my business if he’s in a relationship. Right? And should I tell him about Wyatt? Does he have a right to know about that, even though it’s over?

Damn it! Twisting a chunk of hair around my finger, I twirl it several times, deciding whether or not this connection we’re building is worth it. Only when I start to get an actual headache does it hit me that I don’t have a choice in the matter. The connection has already been established, whether I like it or not.

So screw it … it’s not like I have much more to lose.

Alrighty, now that I’ve gotten the awkward part out of the way, on to something else. HOLY SHIT. It kills me to know that these are the types of things you’re seeing and dealing with on a day-to-day basis over there, and my heart aches for the innocent children that seem to be getting caught in the crossfire. I know you probably feel helpless in those situations, and I’m not going to pretend I know anything about it, but I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. You have to remember you’re only one person in an army of soldiers fighting against evil. There are going to be days when you conquer and others when you capitulate. But don’t lose sight of why you chose to do this. I have no doubt that you will make an impact, big or small, and people’s lives will be better for it.

I want you to know how proud I am that you took this path in life. You always were so incredibly strong, so I shouldn’t be surprised that you decided to go off to war and fight for our country. Thank you for that, by the way.

And don’t ever feel like you’re pummeling me with too much. Do you remember all the shit I hit you with in that first letter? And let’s not forget all the stories I made you listen to growing up. Plus, I enjoy hearing about your life in the military, and we all need a place to vent. I’m glad that I can be that outlet for you. So as much as I appreciate the offer that I can come to you—and I do believe you when you say that—I want you to know that I’m here for you as well.

Okay, now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, let me answer your question. I’m a nurse. I work at a local hospital, alongside my best friend, Maggie. We both work in labor and delivery, which I love. It’s so exciting to watch new life being brought into this world. These little, innocent people are so perfect, and seeing them open their eyes for the first time and take their first tiny breath warms my heart. And trust me, my heart needs all the warming it can get these days.

I realize now that I’ve been working too much though, using it as an escape. I’ve been picking up as many shifts as the hospital will allow in an attempt to ignore the pain. And it helped—it really did—but I was hiding behind it. I was working myself into exhaustion, so that at the end of the day I couldn’t do much more than pass out.

I’ve also been taking care of the horses. You remember Mac, right? Well, I still have him! Mom wants to get rid of the horses because she says they’re too expensive and too much work, but for me, they’re a way to keep my dad’s memory alive and I’m not ready to let go of them yet.

But one of these days, I’ll get there. After my last letter to you, I vowed to try and do better. I think you’ll be proud to know that I haven’t been picking up as many shifts, and I hired a young high school boy to help out on the farm. I’ve definitely got more time on my hands, but I guess that isn’t always a bad thing. I think the fact that I can get through most days—emphasis on most—without spending every second stewing over the accident is a move in the right direction … don’t you?

I’ve already started making amends with my mom and sister, who are doing great, by the way, thank you for asking. Mom was much, much more forgiving than Bailey, but you remember how stubborn she can be. I know it’ll take time with her though. Some of the things I said to her and the way I acted are inexcusable, but I’m confident that she’ll forgive me in time …

And, who knows, maybe in time you’ll be able to patch things up with Josephine. I hate hearing how things went down between the two of you, although I can’t say that I’m surprised—not after the way she started acting after your dad left. But it isn’t your fault, so don’t think that. She is the mother; she should have handled things differently, both when you were growing up and as an adult. I don’t blame you for not staying in contact with her. No child should have to work that hard to have a relationship with their parent. But I digress—this is Josephine we’re talking about. I’d like to think that it will only make you stronger when the day arrives that you become a father. (Don’t freak out by that prospect LOL)

Okay, enough with all the heavy stuff … tell me something about you that I don’t already know, something that’s happened in your life since we’ve been apart.

I’ll talk to you soon … EMAIL IS GREAT!!

Sincerely,

Katie

With a smile on my face, I hit send, then shut my computer down, place it on my nightstand and curl into bed. My eyes drift closed as my mind pulls forward visions of Devin as a young man. Just before I doze off, I start to wonder what he looks like as an adult. Are his green eyes as piercing as they once were? Does the dimple in his left cheek still stand out every time he smiles?

If I saw him now, would my body have the same reaction to him that it once did?

“Existentialism on Prom Night” – Straylight Run

ANOTHER DAY HAS PASSED AND I still can’t get Katie out of my head. Visions of her dance in my head the moment my body hits the cot. She claims my dreams and then consumes every bit of my mind every second I’m awake. And not only has she infiltrated my brain, she’s reclaimed the empty spot in the center of my chest too.

If I had a hard time sleeping before Katie came back into my life, then I’m a complete insomniac now. As of late, I’ve been finding myself at the communications center on nights like these—nights even a thousand sheep couldn’t cure. Katie’s emails have provided a link to my past life, to memories of childhood mischief and young love. Fuck, I miss those days … so much simpler.