A Lover's Lament

“You’ve already apologized. No more.” Kissing my head, she slides from the bed and I sit up, wishing she would stay. There is just something about being wrapped in your mother’s arms. For a few moments, I was a kid again, and her words and soothing touch had the ability to make everything better. “We all grieve in our own way, on our own schedule. I knew you’d get through it, you just needed time.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home. I need to take care of the horses.”

“No.” Flinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I stand up. “I’ll do it. I told you I’d take care of them.”

Mama cups my face in her hands. “Not today.” Her words may be simple, but they’re firm, leaving no room for discussion. “You need to be here. I know you’re worried, but try to stay positive and strong until you hear something.”

That’s easier said than done. “Okay, Mama. Thank you.”

Following her through the house, I give her one last kiss before watching her walk out the front door. She shuts it gently behind her and I’m left standing in my living room. Everything is quiet and I feel lost, so I do the only thing I can do … I communicate with Devin the one way I know how in this moment.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject:

Devin,

I left the subject line empty because I simply didn’t know what to put. I’m scared. No, scared probably isn’t a strong enough word. I’m terrified. I have no idea what happened today … sure, I can take a few guesses, but what I know for certain is that you were torn away from me, your words cut off, and in a split second, you were gone. And right now I just really need to know that you’re okay. Actually, you have to be okay because there are still so many plans we need to make and things that I need to tell you.

My mom came over after our phone call. I needed someone to be with me because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her all about how we became reacquainted, and I half expected her to go all Mama Bear because of the way things ended between us. But she didn’t. She stepped up to the plate and took care of me, just like I needed her to do.

Okay, so I’m going to go about my day, cleaning the house and doing laundry, but don’t think for a second that you aren’t consuming every single spot in my head. Because you are, and that won’t change until I hear back from you—and I will hear back from you. Please call me as soon as you can.

Love,

Katie

It’s been twenty-four hours since I heard Devin’s voice. Twenty-four hours of waiting, worrying and pacing … and I have been doing a lot of pacing. And where there is pacing, there is thinking, and right now, I’m thinking about all of the things I may never get to say to Devin.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject: I want you

Devin,

I had a dream last night that we were on the phone. You were laughing at something I said and there was a loud ban

g. It was a weird dream, because even though you were on the phone, I could see you. I watched you get thrown across the room and you were lying there, writhing in pain, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. I was screaming, desperately beating at the invisible wall keeping me from getting to you, but it wasn’t doing any good. I was frantic to get to you, but I couldn’t.

That was it … I woke up in a cold sweat and then realized it wasn’t a dream. I realized that it was real, only in reality, I don’t know if you’re okay. I don’t know if you’re lying somewhere, hurt … or dead. I’ve decided that I don’t like the unknown … it leaves too much room for my mind to wander, and my mind doesn’t usually wander in the right direction.

I have to work today. I’m not sure if working will be a good thing or a bad thing. You’re still consuming every inch of space in my head … and my heart. I forgot to tell you that the last time we spoke, but it’s true.

Love,

Katie

Clasping my hands together, my gaze flits around the room, avoiding the computer sitting right in front of me. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t dare put anything in it, not with the amount of throwing up that I’ve been doing.

Thoughts of Devin fill every second of every day. Yesterday after work, I broke down and began searching the Internet for any information that I could find. I had no idea what to search for, so I started combing through headlines on the Internet, hoping to see something—anything—that might give me some sort of peace … some sort of comfort in the hell I’ve been living. I found nothing.

Gritting my teeth, I try to fight the tremble in my chin, but it’s a lost cause. My throat burns, constricting with emotion, as tears fall from my face. Wiping the tears away is pointless—I gave up on that a long time ago.