A Lover's Lament

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject: I want us

It’s been forty-nine hours, twenty-two minutes and fourteen seconds since I’ve heard from you. I’ve checked my email hundreds of times, hoping to see a reply, and each time I come up empty, a little piece of me breaks away. My phone has become a permanent fixture in my hand because I keep waiting for you to call.

I miss you. How did that happen in such a short amount of time? I miss seeing your name in my inbox … I miss reading your words, and with each passing second, I’m convinced that I may never see them again. I need to see them, Devin. You’ve always been a part of me, but this is still new and I’m not done exploring. I’m certainly not ready to let go.

I’m still holding on to hope.

Love,

Katie

“Hi, honey.”

“Hi, Mom.” It’s the third time she’s called today. I canceled my appointment with Dr. Perry, and I haven’t shown up to take care of Mac, Molly, and Toby all week. I would never leave her to do it, so I’ve hired out extra help on top of the kid I’ve already got going there. She’s worried … she should be. I can feel myself slipping, giving up hope with each passing second. I can see myself going down the road I’ve recently traveled … the one where I shut down because being numb is so much easier than feeling the pain.

“I’m making lasagna for dinner. Would you like to come over?”

“Nah. Thank you, though,” I answer. “I made a pizza a little while ago.” Closing my eyes, I cringe. Lying to her is not the grown-up thing to do, but I hate to make her worry, and right now, I just need to be alone.

“How about breakfast in the morning? I can make your favorite.”

“I have to work.”

“Don’t do this, Katie,” she pleads.

“Don’t do what?” I hiss. “What am I supposed to do? Should I just pretend that he didn’t exist, pretend that something horrible didn’t happen—”

“I know it looks bad—”

“Looks bad?” I scoff, pressing my thumbs into my temples because, damn it, I do not want to cry right now. “It doesn’t look bad, Mom, it is bad. I’ve done everything I can do, and I keep coming up empty-handed. I’ve contacted every military facility I can find, but nobody knows anything, or they just don’t want to tell me. So either something terrible has happened, or …” My words, along with my thoughts, trail off.

“Katie, I don’t want you to be alone right now.”

“I have to go, Mom.” Ending the call, I power my phone down, lock my door, grab my laptop and crawl into bed.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject: What do you say?

Devin,

My mind is fucking with me something fierce. I’ve considered the fact that maybe I’ve been duped … maybe you’re not responding to my emails or calling because this was all some sort of joke or game and I’ve been played. But then I read the letters you’ve sent me and I know that couldn’t be it. Then I get mad at myself for even thinking it, because you promised you wouldn’t hurt me again. And I do believe you.

Last night I cried myself to sleep because this pain that has settled in the center of my chest is becoming too much to bear, and each day it hurts just a little bit more. I had another dream about you, only this time you weren’t hurt and it had nothing to do with our last phone call. In fact, you were here with me. We were in bed. My head was resting over your heart. Your left arm was wrapped around my shoulder, your finger drawing circles over my bare arm. It was perfect. We were happy and didn’t have a care in the world. And then I woke up and realized that I may never get to feel your skin against mine again, and that thought alone nearly brought me to my knees.

I want that, Devin. I want to see you. I want to feel your lips brush mine, to feel our fingers link the way they used to. But at the same time, I want to start over because we’re two different people than we were back then. I want the firsts all over again with the man that you’ve become. I want the first date, the first awkward kiss—because there always is one (remember ours?)—the first non-awkward kiss, the first everything. I want to snuggle up next to you and fall asleep to the beat of your heart. I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by your touch … the list goes on and on, but basically, I want it all.

More than that, right now, I just want to hear from you. If I can’t feel you, I want to hear your voice.

Love,

Katie