A Lover's Lament

“I’ll take care of it,” I say, gently cutting her off. “When I went to Pennsylvania, I called and talked to him, explained where I was going and why. I made it very clear that what we had is over. But you’re right, this will be touchy, and I’ll talk to him about it as soon as I’ve had a chance to tell Dev.”

“Okay.” She nods, seemingly pleased with my answer before spinning on her heel. “Love you!” she hollers, walking away.

“Love you!” I yell, shutting the door.

I walk back to my room, grab my laptop and then settle myself against the bed to wait for Devin’s request. About the time I expect it to come through, my phone rings and I see the number that is now so incredibly familiar.

“Hey!” I croon, answering the phone. “I thought we were going to chat online?”

“Hey, baby,” Devin says, his voice low and gravelly. It sounds as though he hasn’t slept a wink since I last talked to him, and I instantly go on high alert. “I couldn’t get the computer, and things have just been so …” He trails off, and I fight the urge to beg him to finish the sentence. Devin tries his best to shield me from a lot of what goes on over there, and as much as I appreciate it, sometimes it makes things worse because my imagination runs wild with its own scenarios.

“Things ‘have just been so’ what?” I keep my voice soft and soothing, hoping that he’ll open up. But he doesn’t.

“Shit, Katie.” The sound through the phone gets scratchy and I imagine he’s running a hand over his face, probably completely overwhelmed. “It’s just been a long-ass day, and I’m ready for this shit to be over.”

“Soon. You’ll be home soon, I promise.” His response is a muffled grunt, so I press on. “Do you want to talk about it … whatever’s going on? Because I’m here, you know, if you need to get some stuff off your chest.”

“I know,” he breathes, “and I appreciate that. But right now, I just want to forget it for a couple of minutes. Is that okay?” I open my mouth to respond, but he doesn’t give me the chance. “How was your day? Anything new?”

Shit.

I want nothing more than to tell him that I’m pregnant, but now just doesn’t seem like the right time. He’s got enough on his mind, enough to worry about, and if I tell him about the baby, it could shift his concentration—and that’s the last thing we need.

“No,” I lie, cringing because I want so badly to tell him the truth. “Nothing new. I did pick up an extra shift next week for Maggie.”

“That’s nice, baby.”

That’s nice? Really, that’s it?

Normally, I’d get an earful about how I should be cutting back and relaxing, since I practically ran myself into the ground. Of course, that’s been months ago now, but still, he usually has more to say than that’s nice.

“Yup, I felt like I needed to pay her back for picking up those shifts so I could come see you in Pittsburgh.”

“She probably appreciates that. What did she need off for?”

Okay, well at least he’s engaging some. I just hate that he sounds so distracted. “I think Sean’s going to take her out of town. If I had to guess, I bet he’s going to propose.”

“Awesome,” Devin says, his voice flat. “So, what are you up to the rest of the day?”

Other than worry about you? “Hmmm … well, I have an appointment with Dr. Perry this evening, so that should be fun,” I say, rolling my eyes. “And then I’m going to have dinner with Mom and Bailey.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a full evening.”

“Okay,” I snap, cringing when my voice comes out harsher than I’d intended. “Enough. Tell me what’s going on, and don’t say ‘nothing’ because I’m not stupid, Dev. You’re distant and distracted, and I hate hearing you like this. Let me help you, babe.”

“You can’t help,” he growls, then quickly apologizes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to take it out on you, but you can’t help. No one can help. It’s just … this shit, all of it. I’m done, Katie.”

Dropping my head back against my pillows, I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “I know.” I sigh. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, but I need you to stay strong and focused”—I lay a hand on my belly, because right now those words are more true than ever—“and I need you to come home. You’re almost there.”

“I love you. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do, but I love you more.”

“Never,” he says, his voice infused with so much conviction that it causes my body to shiver. “How—” Devin’s words cut off and I hear muffled voices, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. When he returns, his words are rushed and I’m left with yet another thing to worry about. “Hey baby, I hate to cut this short, but I gotta run.”

“No worries. Will you call me later if you get a chance?”

“Absolutely.”