“What’s hard?” Katie whispered, her expression both confused and compassionate.
“To admit you made a huge mistake by marrying the woman you married. To admit that I forced Eden into the role of a saint because I was so afraid of my nature . . . afraid of being like my mother.”
“And your uncles?” Katie asked.
“Yeah, I used to feel that way. I don’t anymore, though. I’m glad I saw Ray and William again. I hadn’t realized how much a part of me they are. They’re both pieces of work, and they might be in prison for some petty crime the next time we go to Malacnoic, but I’d like you to meet them.”
She smiled. “I’d like that. But I still don’t understand what you meant, when you said you don’t think you could have remembered anything about that first night I came here until you went to Malacnoic.”
“I wanted you so much on that
first night. That’s what I remember, in a general kind of way, not with any detail. I guess it was the whiskey doing its thing, but I don’t remember ever wanting another person like I wanted you that night. And . . . and it wasn’t a new feeling, either. I’d become so fucking good at pushing down my needs over the years . . . pushing down my desires.” He met Katie’s stare, wishing he could will her to understand the complexity of what had happened to him on that night when she’d shown up on his doorstep. “But suddenly you were there, Katie, and I was weak . . . weaker than I’d ever been in my life. All of it rose up in me. All the need. I had to have you. I did have you. After that, I struggled every second of every day and night while you were in this house, trying to forget how I’d let myself drown in all that need even while I was obsessed with the idea of giving in to it again.
“When I went back and saw my mother, I realized how different she and I are. It’s like she said—we’re as different as north and south. I always told myself we were different. But deep down inside, I was worried I could become like her . . . that I could be addicted to sex . . . totally focused on myself . . . unable to really care or feel for another human being.”
“You’re not even remotely like that,” Katie exclaimed, looking miffed.
He chuckled and brought her closer. He kissed her nose. “I love you, Katie. For saying that and so much more,” he whispered before he settled his mouth on her lips. She broke their kiss a while later and rubbed their lips together while she spoke.
“Rill?”
“Yes?”
“Does this mean you wanted me . . . even . . . even years ago?”
“I don’t know when it started,” he admitted. “All I know is that night when you showed up here like an angel on my doorstep, it all rushed out of me. The strength of it makes me think I must have loved you, in different ways, since the first time I saw you, Katie. Only a fire that’s been tamped down for so long can grow so wild.”
“You didn’t even recognize me. I thought it was maybe because my hair was darker.”
He gave a sharp bark of laughter.
“What?” she asked.
“I recognized you, Shine. I may not have wanted to, but I did. What do you think this has all been about? What do you think I’ve been trying to tell you?”
When he saw her lips parted in wonder, he sank his head. Their kiss magnified in hunger even as they fed off each other, until they both were moaning in need.
“I want to have you like I did on that first night. I want to try and remember. Will you show me?” he asked huskily as he plucked at her lips.
“Yes. Yes,” she whispered. To his surprise, she whisked her top over her head and removed her bra. He stared appreciatively at her tender, firm breasts, but her smile snagged his attention. She took his hand and led him down the lit hallway to his bedroom, the sight of her curls swishing subtly against the bare skin of her back and hips mesmerizing him.
He plastered himself against her when she paused next to the bed, wild to feel her pressed against him.
“What happened next?” he whispered hoarsely as he stood behind her. He leaned down and kissed her neck.
“This,” Katie replied. She turned her head and craned up for him. Kissing her was like drowning in the deepest well of pleasure.
He bent his knees and pressed his aching cock against her bottom. “Aw, Jaysus. I have to have you now, Katie.”
“Yes.”
When she went to place her hands at the edge of the bed, he stopped her abruptly.
“Like that? From behind? The first time?” Regret lanced through him. “Aw, Katie. I’m sorry.”
She looked radiant when she glanced around and shook her head. “I’m not, Rill. I’m not.”
His need boiled to the surface as he watched her bend over the bed. She really was a miracle, the way she always offered all of herself to him, never holding back an ounce.