I touched her half-slip, in the area where I thought her penis was; she let me touch her. I didn't try to reach under the half-slip. I just touched her penis through the slinky material of her half-slip; this one was a pearl-gray color, almost the same color as Elaine's bra. When I thought of Elaine's bra, I remembered Giovanni's Room, which was under the same pillow.
The James Baldwin novel was so unbearably sad that I suddenly didn't want to talk about it with Miss Frost; instead, I asked her, "Wasn't it difficult being a wrestler, when you wante
d to be a girl and you were attracted to other boys?"
"It wasn't that difficult when I was winning. I like to be on top," she told me. "When you're winning in wrestling, you're on top. It was more difficult in Pennsylvania, because I wasn't winning all the time there. I was on the bottom more than I liked," she said, "but I was older then--I could handle losing. I hated being pinned, but I was pinned only twice--by the same fucking guy. Wrestling was my cover, William. Back then, boys like us needed a cover. Wasn't Elaine a cover, William? She looked like your cover to me," Miss Frost said. "Nowadays, don't boys like us still need a little cover?"
"Yes, we do," I whispered.
"Oh, now we're whispering again!" Miss Frost whispered. "Whispering is a kind of cover, too, I guess."
"You must have studied something in that college in Pennsylvania--not just wrestling," I said to her. "The yearbook said your choice of career was 'fiction'--kind of a funny career path, isn't it?" I asked her. (I believe I was just babbling, as a way to distract myself from Miss Frost's penis.)
"In college, I studied library science," Miss Frost was saying, while we went on holding each other's penises. Hers wasn't as hard as mine--not yet, anyway. I thought that, even not hard, her penis was bigger than mine, but if you're not experienced, you can't really estimate the size of someone's penis--not if you can't see it. "I thought that a library would be a fairly safe and forgiving place for a man who was on his way to becoming a woman," Miss Frost continued. "I even knew which library I wanted to work in--the very same academy library where those old yearbooks are, William. I thought: What other library would appreciate me as much as my old school library? I'd been a good student at Favorite River, and I'd been a very good wrestler--not so good by Pennsylvania standards, maybe, but I'd been very good in New England. Of course, when I came back to First Sister as a woman, Favorite River Academy wanted nothing to do with someone like me--not around all those impressionable boys! Everyone is naive about something, William, and I was naive about that. I knew my old school had liked me when I was Big Al; I was naive enough to be unprepared for them not liking me as Miss Frost. It was only because your grandpa Harry was on the board of the town library--this funny old public library, where I was way overqualified to be the librarian--that they gave me the job here."
"But why did you want to stay here in First Sister--or be at Favorite River Academy, which you say yourself is an awful school?" I asked her.
I was only eighteen, but I already never wanted to come back to Favorite River Academy or the Podunk town of First Sister, Vermont. I couldn't wait to get away, to be somewhere--to be anywhere--where I could have sex with whomever I wanted to, without being stared at and judged by all these overly familiar people who presumed they knew me!
"I have an ailing parent, William," Miss Frost explained. "My father died the year I started at Favorite River Academy; if he hadn't passed away, my becoming a woman probably would have killed him. But my mother hasn't been healthy for quite some time; I barely got through college because of my mother's health problems. She's one of those people who's been sick so long that if she ever got well, she wouldn't know she was cured. She's sick in her mind, William; she doesn't even notice that I'm a woman, or maybe she doesn't remember that her little boy was ever a man. I'm sure she doesn't remember that she used to have a little boy."
"Oh."
"Your grandpa Harry used to employ my dad. Harry knew I was the one who took care of my mom. That's the only reason I had to come back to First Sister--whether Favorite River Academy would have me or not, William."
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Oh, it's not so bad," Miss Frost replied, in that acting way. "Small towns may revile you, but they have to keep you--they can't turn you away. And I got to meet you, William. Who knows? Perhaps I'll be remembered as the crazy cross-dressing librarian who got you started as a writer. You have started, haven't you?" she asked me.
But the story of her life, so far, seemed extraordinarily unhappy to me. While I went on touching her penis through that pearl-gray half-slip, I thought about Giovanni's Room, which was all wrapped up in Elaine's bra, under my pillow, and I said, "I loved the James Baldwin novel. I didn't bring it back to the library because I wanted to lend it to Tom Atkins. He and I have talked about it--I think he would love Giovanni's Room, too. Is it all right with you if I lend it to him?"
"Is Giovanni's Room in your book bag, William?" Miss Frost asked me suddenly. "Where is the actual book right now?"
"It's at home," I told her. I was suddenly afraid to say it was under my pillow--not to mention that the novel was in contact with Elaine Hadley's padded pearl-gray bra.
"You mustn't leave that novel at home," Miss Frost told me. "Of course you can lend it to Tom. But tell Tom not to let his roommate see it."
"I don't know who Atkins has for a roommate," I told her.
"It doesn't matter who Tom's roommate is--just don't let the roommate see that novel. I told you not to let your mother--or Richard Abbott--see it. If I were you, I wouldn't even let your grandpa Harry know you have it."
"Grandpa knows I have a crush on Kittredge," I said to Miss Frost. "Nobody but you knows I have a crush on you," I told her.
"I hope you're right about that, William," she whispered. She bent over me and put my penis in her mouth--in less time than it took me to write this sentence. Yet, when I reached under her half-slip for her penis, she stopped me. "No--we're not doing that," she said.
"I want to do everything," I told her.
"Of course you do, William, but you'll have to do everything with someone else. It is not appropriate for a young man your age to do everything with someone my age," Miss Frost told me. "I will not be responsible for your first time at trying everything."
With that, she put my penis back in her mouth; for the time being, she would not explain herself further. When she was still sucking me, I said: "I don't think we had actual sex the last time--I mean the penetration part. We did something else, didn't we?"
"Talking is not very easily accomplished during a blow job, William," Miss Frost said, sighing in such a way--while she lay down next to me, face-to-face--that I got the feeling this was probably curtains for the blow job, and it was. "You seemed to enjoy the 'something else' we did last time, William," she said.
"Oh, yes, I did!" I cried. "I was just wondering about the penetration part."
"You can wonder about it all you want, William, but there will be no 'penetration part' with me. Don't you see?" she asked me suddenly. "I am trying to protect you from 'actual sex.' At least a little," Miss Frost added, smiling.
"But I don't want to be protected!" I cried.