Until I Find You

"He put baby powder on his ass," Jack remembered out loud.

"Donker even imitated your dad's tattoos, but badly," Nico said. "Then he took a really stupid job--something only Donker would dream of doing--and we never saw him again in the district."

"I think I know what Donker did," Jack told the policeman. "He took a job on a cruise ship, playing the piano. He sailed to Australia, to be tattooed by Cindy Ray."

"Yes, that's it!" Nico Oudejans cried. "What a memory you have, Jack! That's a detail even a cop like me had forgotten."

Jack also remembered the dark-brown woman from Suriname; she was one of the first prostitutes to speak to him. He'd been surprised that she knew his name. She'd been in a window on either the Korsjespoortsteeg or the Bergstraat--not in the red-light district but in that same general area where Jack and his mom had met Femke. (And he'd thought that Femke was an unusual prostitute, when in fact she was a lawyer!)

The Surinamese prostitute had given him a chocolate the color of her skin. "I've been saving this for you, Jack," she'd said. And he'd believed, for years, that she must have been one of his dad's girlfriends--one of the prostitutes who'd taken William home with her, and had slept with him, as Jack's mother had led the boy to believe. But that wasn't true.

Jack's father had not had sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam; William had only played the organ for them, a sound both huge and holy, which had compelled them to just listen. As for some of them--those who'd managed to hear the Lord's noise in the music--William may have saved them from the sins of a single night, albeit later in their lives, when a few of them did stop being prostitutes.

"I called your dad the Protestant Loyola, which seemed to please him," Nico Oudejans told Jack.

Nico also told Jack that the Surinamese prostitute was one of William's earliest converts to Christianity; she'd heard God's noise in the organ and had become an overnight believer.

Jack had lost count of how many policemen had come into the office and put their guilders on the table in front of Nico, but when another cop had come and gone, Jack asked Nico if he had won a bet on a game or a horse.

"I won a bet on you, Jack," the policeman said. "I bet every cop in District Two that one day, before I retired, Jack Burns would walk into the Warmoesstraat station, and we'd have this little talk about his mom and dad."

The next evening, Wednesday, Jack went with Nico to the Oude Kerk to hear Willem Vogel, the organist, rehearse. Vogel had officially retired from teaching and conducting, but he still wrote music for organ and choir--a CD of his compositions had recently been released--and he still played in the Oude Kerk, the long service on Sunday and the Wednesday-evening rehearsal. Willem Vogel was in his late seventies but looked younger. He had long, hairless hands and was wearing a sweater with sagging elbows; in the unheated church, a wool scarf was tied around his neck.

Jack had correctly remembered the narrow, brick-lined stairs leading to the organist's hidden chamber above the congregation. The wooden handrail was on one side as you climbed; a waxed rope, the color of burned caramel, was on the other. There was a bare, bright, unshaded lightbulb behind the leather-covered organ bench; it cast the perfect, shadowless light upon the yellowed pages of the music. Vogel's well-worn shoes made a soft tapping on the foot pedals; his long fingers made an even softer clicking on the keys.

Jack could hear only the drone of the choir, in the distant background, when the organ was soft or not playing. When Vogel played hard, you could barely hear the acc

ompanying voices from the organ chamber. At a moment when the choir sang without him, Vogel opened a small piece of hard candy--neatly putting the paper wrapper in his pocket before popping the candy in his mouth.

The names printed on the stops (the registers) were meaningless to Jack. It was a world beyond him.

BAARPIJP

8 VOET

OCTAAF

4 VOET

NACHTHOORN

2 VOET

TREMULANT POSITIEF

Jack struggled to hear the Lord's noise in the music. But even when Vogel played the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei, the Lord wasn't speaking to Jack.

Willem Vogel had never met Jack's dad. Once, in 1970, Vogel had been out to dinner rather late with some friends; one of the friends suggested that they go to the Oude Kerk and listen to William Burns's concert for the fallen ladies, but Vogel was tired and declined the invitation. "I regret I never heard him play," the organist told Jack. "Some say he was marvelous; others say that William Burns was too much of an entertainer to be taken seriously as a musician."

The next morning, Jack went with Nico Oudejans to a cafe where they were meeting Saskia for coffee. Saskia had stopped being a prostitute more than ten years before; her retirement hadn't improved her disposition, Nico forewarned Jack. She'd gone to a school for beauticians and had learned how to cut hair, maybe also how to do makeup and manicures; she worked in a beauty shop on the Rokin--a wide, busy street with many medium-expensive shops.

Saskia hadn't wanted Nico and Jack to come to the beauty shop. Given her former line of work, even a friendly visit from the police was unwelcome. And Saskia feared that--in a beauty shop, of all places--the ladies would make too much of a fuss over her knowing Jack Burns.

When Jack saw her coming, he thought she'd had more than a career change. She'd had a whole makeover. Gone was the winking armload of bracelets, hiding her burn scar. In her fifties now, she was still thin, but the gauntness had left her face. There wasn't a trace of the come-on of her former profession about her. Saskia's hair was cut as short as a boy's. Over a white turtleneck, she wore what looked like a man's tweed jacket. Her baggy jeans were unflattering; her ankle-high boots, with a low heel, gave her a mannish walk.

Jack got to his feet and kissed her, but Saskia was a little cool to him--not unfriendly but not warm, either. She was only marginally friendlier to Nico. She was carrying a Yorkshire terrier in her oversize handbag. The dog and Nico appeared to be old friends; the Yorkie hopped out of Saskia's handbag and sat contentedly in Nico's lap while the waiter took Saskia's order.

Jack half expected her to order a ham-and-cheese croissant, but she asked for a coffee instead. He wasn't surprised that she'd had her teeth fixed. Why wouldn't a new mouth have been included in her makeover?