The Water-Method Man

'Anything wrong?' Tulpen asks.

'My prick,' I say. 'I think it's getting gummed up again. Wretched water method ...'

'See your doctor, Trumper,' she says casually. 'Have the operation.'

Chomp! goes the terrible paper cutter; visions of Vigneron blood fill my mind.

In comes Kent. 'Hey!' Hey yourself, Kent. 'Hey, you seen the new footage? He's really got it now.'

'Got what, Kent?'

'Great light in the new stuff. It's getting cold up there now. Even the weather's closing in on them. Somebody's going to make a move. I mean, the fucking camera is anticipating it.'

'That doesn't mean it has to happen, Kent.'

Ralph comes in with a huff-puff of cold air. Sealskin boots, arctic mittens, Eskimo parka, though it's only fall. Trying to imagine Ralph alive in a tropical climate presents a problem: he would have to change his fur image. He could wear wicker and straw and reeds wrapped around him: a giant basket!

'Hey!' Kent says to him. 'I saw White Knees last night.'

'Whose?' says Ralph. We all know Kent doesn't get much.

'You know, hey. White Knees,' Kent insists. 'It's the new Grontz film.'

'Oh yeah, yeah,' says Ralph, unmittening, debooting, emerging from his wool.

'Well, it's just another lousy one,' Kent says. 'More of the same, like his earlier shit. Heavy, you know?'

'Yeah, yeah,' says Ralph, unmuffled, looking around. Something is missing.

'I looked at your new footage this morning,' Kent tells him. Ralph is thinking, What's missing? 'It's just great, Ralph,' Kent tells him. 'Even the fucking weather--'

' 'Kent?' Ralph says. 'Where are the doughnuts?'

'I was just waiting for you to get here,' Kent says, flushing.

'Two jellies, one cream puff,' Ralph says. 'Tulpen?'

'Two cream puffs.'

'Thump-Thump?'

'A cruller.'

'Two cream puffs, two jellies and one cruller, Kent,' Ralph says.

When Kent leaves on his mission, Ralph asks us, 'Who in hell is Grontz?'

'Search me,' says Tulpen.

'White Knees,' I say. 'God knows ...'

'Does Kent smoke?' Ralph asks. No one has any idea. 'Well if he doesn't,' Ralph says, 'he should try some. And if he does, he should stop.'

Back comes Kent, a mine of mystery and information.

'Two jellies, two cream puffs, one cruller.'

'Thank you.'