How could I screw up what we had last night? From the moment I saw her, my day was better. Stella, standing in my house, looking all cute and tired from work, all ready to be mine for the night. I wanted her—God, I wanted her—but I resisted.
Then I went and ruined it.
It’s so hard not to go back to when I was a teenager, being called a fuckup, a loser, and a piece of shit, all while being molested in a way that was a mindfuck itself. How do you make me feel like dirt but then get pleasure from my body? It’s unfair. But I am not that kid anymore. I am a man. No one can make me feel like that anymore. I am in control of myself, my body, and I want to give it to Stella. I want to be honest. I want to open up to her and tell her everything.
Will she want me afterward, though?
After I shower at the house, clean up, and go through the drive-through for some Zaxby’s, I head toward Aiden’s house. He’s playing Call of Duty, and he asked if I wanted to come hang out since Shelli was out doing gender reveal stuff. I know damn well I need to call Stella. Ease her worries. But like I did in therapy, I need to take care of things in order. While I know she is worried and probably pissed at me, if I don’t tell Aiden that I am falling hopelessly in love with his baby sister, I don’t know if I can move on. I need to know if he will want to kill me or support us. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know when I will. I know one thing for sure, I hate looking into his face and acting as if I’m not completely captivated by Stella.
When I pull up to the house, I sit in front of it creepily as I eat. I’m buying time, being a pussy, but I need to gather my words.
Aiden, I’m dating your sister. No. That’s not good enough
Can I date Stella? It has to be better than that.
Aiden, when I was talking about the exceptional girl? It is your sister. He might hit me.
Aiden, listen, dude. I’m fucked up and I know that, but I want to try to be in a committed relationship with your sister because I know I’ll never find anyone as incredible as her. Don’t kill me. He’ll definitely kill me.
I’m not the man I was, Aiden. Trust me. I care deeply for your sister, and I want you to know I am with her. I’m a dead man walking.
As I scroll through my messages with Stella, I don’t have to hear her voice to know she is worried. Each text has more concern in it than the last. I lick my lips, reading her words and missing her like crazy. It’s been over ten hours; there’s no telling what she thinks now. If I even say I’ll call her, it wouldn’t matter. I already fucked up with the length of time I’ve waited. I should have texted her this morning, but it seemed like every time I wanted to, I didn’t feel I had the time to reassure her. I have to explain myself, get her to forgive me. Now, there is no point. I have to own up to what I did, how long it took me to contact her, and that she should probably run. I don’t even know why I am at Aiden’s. I wouldn’t stay with my wishy-washy, broken self.
I take that back. If it were for Stella, I’d stay.
God, I’m an idiot.
When I finish my food, I still don’t go inside. I sit in the truck, playing on my phone and trying to gather the confidence to go into the house and tell my best friend exactly what is weighing me down. I look up at the house, hoping for some sign to tell me to go in, and I get just that.
Aiden is standing on the porch.
“Hey, stalker! You can’t stalk me. I’m married and don’t swing that way. Instead, come in and play games with me.”
I snort at his dorkiness as I nod. “I’m coming.”
Grudgingly, I roll up the windows, gather my trash, and shut off the truck before getting out. Aiden is looking at me like I’m crazy. “What were you doing? You sat in there for like an hour.”
I shrug. “I was eating, and since I didn’t bring you anything, I didn’t want to make you jealous.”
He shoots me a deadpan expression. “So instead, you show me the wrapper from my favorite fast-food place? That’s rude.”
“Sorry.” I laugh as I move past him, entering their newly built home. They’ve only been here a month or so, and boy is it high-class. All modern, but with a farmhouse feel. I think that’s due to Shelli’s mom, but it works. Aiden loves it mostly because Shelli does. They’d had some bad luck looking for houses, but not with this one. It’s perfect. Six bedrooms, a man cave, a huge kitchen, large living room, a billion bathrooms, it seems, along with a big backyard and in-ground pool, which is not done yet but will be by the summer. It’s pretty badass.