I place them on their feet, and they follow him to get their things packed up.
“Gray?” my mom says. I lift my head, not bothering to hide my tears. “Oh my, come here.” She pulls me into a hug, and I fight the burn behind my eyes. “What’s going on?”
Before I can tell her, Dad appears without the girls. “I distracted them with a cartoon. Start talking, son.”
So I do. I tell them about the night the girls were sick and how they asked for Laken to be their “here” mommy. I tell them how I’ve avoided her this week because I can’t get my head on straight, and I finish with what happened earlier.
“Do you love her, Grayson?” my dad asks.
“Yes.”
“Does she love you?”
“She does.”
“Is she good to your girls?”
I swallow hard. This is the hardest to admit after all that I’ve put her through. “She treats them as if they were her own.”
“What’s the problem?” he asks.
“I’m not trying to replace Holly. I would never do that.”
“No one said that you were, son.”
“The guilt.” I rub at my chest. “I can’t see past it. I never want them to forget how much Holly loved them. I want them to know how incredible she was.” My voice cracks.
“Can you not do that with Laken in your life?”
“How? Tell me how, Dad? Tell me how to release this guilt, and I’ll do it. I loved Holly, but Laken, it’s different.”
“That’s because you were a boy when you fell in love with Holly. Now you’re a man—a father. Of course, it’s going to be different. Laken and Holly are two different people.”
“I love them both. What kind of man does that make me, Dad? Huh? I’m in love with my dead wife and my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend,” I say as pain slices my heart wide open.
“Gray?” My mom speaks up. I force my eyes to hers, and she sets her phone on the table face down. “How long has it been since you’ve gone to see Holly?”
“A couple of months. I went the day I took Laken out on our first date. I wanted her to know.”
“Did that help you?”
“It did.” I nod.
“Maybe you should go back? Talk to her?”
“You know that sounds crazy, right?”
“I think it sounds like you’re hurting. I think it sounds like you’re letting yourself drown in sorrow and grief for moving on. Grayson, it’s been over three years since you lost her. You’re not doing anything wrong by moving on.”
“I should go.” I can’t handle this. The guilt weighs heavy on my chest, and the pain in my heart, the ache from the thought of the girls replacing Holly in their lives, is crippling. Sure, I know that’s now what they’re doing, they’re four—how could they know that their simple request would bring me to my knees?
“Why don’t you let the girls stay with us? Take a drive, go to the cemetery. Take some time to breathe, son. You need time to process this.”
“I haven’t been with them all day,” I fire back.
“And there is nothing wrong with that. They are safe, and they are loved. I’ll make dinner, and you can come back and eat with us.”
“You don’t want them to see you upset like this. At least take a drive and compose yourself,” Dad suggests.
“You’re right.” I nod. I’ve already snapped at my daughters, and that’s unacceptable. They didn’t do a damn thing wrong, but I still took my grief, my guilt out on them. The pain from that knowledge also sits on my shoulders like a thousand-pound weight. “I won’t be gone long. I’m just going to drive around.”
“We’ll be here. You want some company?” Dad offers.
“No. I’m good. Thank you both. Just… take care of my girls.”
“Always,” they agree.
Half an hour later, I find myself pulling into the cemetery. The last time I was here, I promised I would bring the girls to visit, and I have yet to do that—just something else to add to my pile of guilt.
Climbing out of the truck, I make my way to her grave. I stop and sit on the grass, just like I do every time I’m here. “Hey, Holls.” My voice cracks. “I need to start by apologizing for not bringing the girls with me. I know I promised I would bring them by soon, and well, I’ve yet to do that. That’s on me, and I’ll fix it. I promise.”
Closing my eyes, I battle with my emotions. “I’ve made a mess of this, Holly. I don’t know how it all happened, but I fell in love with Laken. The woman I told you about. She’s brought light back into my life, the same one that went out when I lost you. It’s not just me, but the girls too. She loves them, Holly. She’s so good to them, and they love her too.” I swallow hard. Once, twice, three times before finding my voice again.