I felt like banging my head against the wall for what a damn idiot I was. Why the hell did I ever bring her to a place like that to begin with, much less tell her to go stand out back for better cell phone reception? I shut my eyes.
What a dumb fuck I am.
I went back to the living room feeling physically sick. Sitting on the couch, my elbows on my knees and head dropped into my hands, I wanted to kick my own ass. “Listen, Autumn, I’m really sorry for what happened tonight.”
“Nothing happened, Donovan.”
“That’s not the point. I should’ve never left you outside alone—not even for a minute. I know the type of trouble that comes in.”
Autumn reached out and took my hand. “If I had called your name, you would’ve been back there in two seconds flat.”
“Yeah, of course, but—”
She squeezed my hand and waited until I looked at her. “I started seeing my old psychiatrist again. I hadn’t been to her in a few years. You know why I went?”
“Why?”
“Because I have trust issues. Big ones. I’ve spent the last few years dating guys I knew I wouldn’t get emotionally invested in because I don’t trust myself to see things coming. Honestly, I didn’t think I was capable of wanting more with a man.”
It wasn’t lost on me that she was talking in past tense—I didn’t think I was capable. Not, I don’t think I’m capable. But after the last few hours, I was afraid to get my hopes up. I needed shit spelled out.
“But now?” I asked.
She smiled. “I like you, Donovan. I always did. In fact, I liked you too much, and that weekend we spent together scared me. They say time heals old wounds. I’m not sure mine will ever fully heal, but I’m tired of letting them control my life. Last year when we met, I wasn’t ready. Full disclosure, I’m not sure I’m fully ready now. I still take sleeping pills just to relax enough to fall asleep at night, and I might not be as trusting as I should be. But I’d like to try, if you’re still interested.”
I smiled. “Is my interest even a question in your mind?”
She bit down on her bottom lip. “Well, I didn’t want to assume.”
“Let me make it crystal clear.” I took both her hands and inched closer on the couch until our knees were touching. “I have never been more interested in a woman in my life. Whether you wanted me or not, you’ve had me for the last year, Autumn.”
She smiled. “We need to take it slow.”
“I can do slow.”
Autumn chuckled. “I’m not sure I believe that. But I do believe you’ll try to do slow.”
“You don’t think I can do slow?”
An hour ago, listening to her story had made my heart feel broken. Now the smile on her face felt like the glue piecing it all back together.
“I’m not sure either of us is too good at slow when it comes to the other.”
“At least we’re not alone in the struggle.” I lifted her hand and brought her palm to my lips. “It won’t be easy, but I’ll try to be less charming.”
She giggled, and another crack in my heart sealed up. “I’m sure that will be tough for you.”
I looked into her eyes. “Thank you for sharing everything with me tonight.”
“Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“Come here.” I tugged her hand, guiding her from the spot next to me on the couch onto my lap. This time when I wrapped her in my arms, it felt different. She wasn’t letting me console her; she was letting me hold her because she wanted me to, and it felt fucking incredible. When I pulled back, our faces were close, and I wanted so damn badly to kiss her, but I refrained—and I was pretty proud of myself.
My hands smoothed down the hair on either side of her face. “I think I might need some ground rules for going slow. All I want to do is kiss you right now, and I’m afraid I’ll fuck up if I don’t have set boundaries.”
She smiled. “Okay. That’s probably a good idea.”
“So lay it on me. How do we do this?”
Autumn tapped her finger to her lips. “I guess we should limit how often we see each other. What about once a week?”
“Three times.”
She laughed. “Oh my God. You just jumped into lawyer mode to negotiate. I feel like I need my own attorney now so I don’t get trampled.”
I smiled. “Sorry. How about two days?”
“I think that’s good.”
“Okay. What else you got?”
“What about if we try not to get into a routine? I feel like that’s what happens when a relationship moves into serious territory. You settle into a day-to-day, familiar predictability. Maybe we could extend what happens at the beginning of dating, where you sort of experiment with where you go and what the other likes.”