But what could I do? If I showed him an emotion other than what he wanted to see, would he hurt me again? I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
Tommy
“Shhh, don’t say anything. Just wear it. When my sisters ask questions about setting a date or anything like that say we haven’t discussed it yet.”
She nodded at me and I could see she was trying but failing to guard how she was feeling --- freaked. I put the ring on her finger and then I leaned over and touched my lips to hers. She stayed still. I leaned up and kissed her forehead, “I’ve got stuff to do but I’ll be back here to pick you up at 4:30 and then we’ll head over to my Pop’s. Best behavior there, yeah?”
She nodded at me but in her eyes I could see she was confused. I couldn’t exactly blame her. I was confused, too. I knew I was acting like a psychopath. I left to get a shower and get dressed. In the shower, I tried to get my head straight. This girl, she was doing something to me. I didn’t feel like me. Yeah, I felt the desire to dominate her but I also had this strange desire to be the ice cream shop guy she’d told me she’d fantasized about. Could I be that guy? Did I want to be? I hated the sadness on her face and I hated the way she seemed to be beating herself up for enjoying it when I fucked her. So far she was everything I wanted. But I was me.
One minute I found myself being sweet to her but inevitably I’d become me again. The way she’d responded to me downstairs? That was fucking amazing. I loved that she reached for me, that she kissed me back, and it felt real. I wanted her to keeping feeling bold enough to reach into my pants for my cock because she was showing me she wanted me. But I wanted her afraid, too, and eventually I wanted her to want to please me, to do whatever I wanted, even if was out of her comfort zone, because she wanted to please me that badly. I wanted her to want me so badly that she ached for me, ached to submit for me.
A lot of girls want to be submissive, give in to belonging to a lover. I’m not saying every woman wants it but th
ere are a lot of women who enjoy it, who crave it and embrace it. I had no problems finding women who did but I needed the fear first and most couldn’t pull that off unless I went over the edge with them and made them afraid. And none of them made me want them like she did. I didn’t want a submissive, no safe words putting limits on what she’d give me, I wanted a willing slave, someone willing to give me whatever I needed.
If I let her go tomorrow and she went on to live a normal life I knew I’d already ruined her for vanilla. She’d always think about sex with me. No one would measure up because after me she’d think she had to pick some accountant in a sweater vest, the polar opposite of me. As she laid there staring at the ceiling waiting for sweater vest to finally go limp inside her she’d be thinking about getting her hair pulled, her ass smacked, and having my hand caress her throat, while feeling my breath against her ear as I whispered in her ear how I owned her and what I wanted to do to her.
How did I walk the line of taking what I wanted to ensure I kept wanting her without breaking her? In the beginning I’d been thrilled by the notion of breaking her spirit and bending her to my will, but now…now I didn’t know what I wanted from her. I still wanted her to be mine but I didn’t want to extinguish that fire in her because unlike the women I had to take over the edge to make them feel real fear, I wanted Tia. The other women were a one off. I couldn’t break her or she wouldn’t be Tia anymore and I’d be married to this empty shell of a person who did what I wanted but it’d mean I wouldn’t want it anymore.
She was getting to me in a way I hadn’t expected and I wanted something else from her, too, but I didn’t know what name to give what I wanted. I wanted her to see the real me, to want me, even if I wasn’t perfect, even if I could be a cold-hearted prick sometimes. Did I want her to love me? Love was something I never had before. I got praise and respect through accomplishments. I had to earn everything I got.
Right now, before work, I needed another session with the heavy bag. When I got out of the shower I got dressed to head out but first I took off my silver chain. It was a curious thing, the way my mindset shifted when I wore it. It belonged to my Mother and when I had to make tough decisions, tap into my inner beast and handle the dirty shit in my life and my line of work I couldn’t do those things as well if I was wearing it. On the other side of the coin, if I was filled with rage that I didn’t want to feel and I put it on, it usually helped me find my center, like this morning when Nino said she was in the basement I put it on before I went down. I knew it was just an object, that it was all in my head, but it somehow helped to ground me. Right now I had a tough job to take care of before dinner at Pop’s so I left the chain on the counter in the bathroom.
Tia
I had a light breakfast alone and then spent the rest of the morning sorting through the rest of my things, watching the beautiful ring sparkle every time my hand moved. I wasn’t generally a materialistic girl at all but this ring! It was just so sparkly. I kept staring at it. My French manicure was still intact, astonishingly despite the fact that I’d brawled with him, and I couldn’t get over how my hand looked just so grown up, just so not my hand.
Sarah had offered to help me sort things out but I wanted to do it alone. I also knew it was her day off. There had been nothing I wanted to throw out; I’d already done my weeding and sorting thinking I was taking that apartment at the Carusos’. But looking through my things I felt like I was looking at them again with different eyes than I had a week ago when I’d packed everything.
I brought my clothes upstairs in several armloads and I found that there were a few empty drawers in the bureau in the closet plus some shelving and rod space were cleared out for me, by the looks of things.
I left my box of mementoes in the basement and only brought up my summer clothes. I certainly wasn’t planning to stay here and make it home so all my personal stuff that I normally liked around me, photos, stuffed animals, frilly throw cushions, they could all stay boxed. All I needed were my basics upstairs. The only other thing beyond clothing I took was my jewelry box. It had been my mother’s and I wanted it, no needed it, close.
I tucked the picture of my Mom and Tommy’s father behind another picture in the album to hide it. I don’t know why I did this. I didn’t know whether Tommy knew there was a connection between my Mom and his Dad or not but I felt like I needed to hide this information for the moment. Of course I knew Mr. Ferrano seemed to want me to know he knew who she was after his comment about me looking like her but because of this picture it looked like they had been close, like they’d dated.
After I got everything away I got ready for dinner at Tommy’s father’s house. I wasn’t looking forward to this. Not at all. I didn’t know if I’d act the wrong way or say the wrong thing. I didn’t know how to pull off the ruse of acting like I was a blushing bride-to-be.
Sarah was to be out the rest of the day so I was alone in the house with some security guard inside that I’d seen before and another outside that I hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t the same guy as this morning. From what I could tell they worked in 12 hour shifts staying on the property. But sometimes things overlapped with one guy or another. At one point I looked out the window and the one guy had been in the driveway talking to three other guys, one of which had been the Lou Ferrigno looking burly guy from that first day. I looked back out the window later and it was another guy, one I didn’t recognize.
I was ready at 4:20 and impatiently paced around the front door area until 4:48 when I heard the house phone ring. The security dude wasn’t around and I was alone so I picked it up, preparing to just take a message.
“Hello?”
“Oh… Tia?” it was a female.
“Yes…” Who would be calling me here?
“Hi! This is Tessa; Tommy’s sister. Tommy’s running late so I’m gonna swing by and get you. I’m pulling up to the gate in like 2 seconds. Can you meet me outside?”
“I, uh, okay.”
“Cool. See you in two.”
Weird. And uncomfortable. I’d have to be alone with this girl and would I get a total inquisition? I stepped outside and the guard looked up at me and smiled. This was the first of the Ferrano security guys, besides Earl, to smile at me. Then the gate opened and a red SUV pulled in. The guard talked to her. They conversed for a few minutes so I started to walk down the steps toward them. A pretty blonde unlocked the door and I got into the passenger seat.
There were two boys strapped in the back seat in car seats, one a toddler, the other a baby. The bigger of the two was playing on a little toddler game system and the smaller was asleep. They were cute. She was very attractive, too, a petite blonde with a few chunky dark highlights. She had a pretty face. Lots of jewelry. Expensive-looking clothes and purse. I couldn’t believe they were sleeping through the racket that was the dance music on her car sound system.
“Hey!” She shook my hand and started talking a mile a minute as she pulled out, talking over the loud music, “I’m glad to meet you. Tommy said you guys were running late and that he hadn’t picked you up yet so I decided to pick you up on the way and save him the trouble. This way, too, he can’t cancel because we’ve got you already. Back there are Lucas and Antonio.”