Kill the Dead (Sandman Slim 2)

“Don’t worry. No one is running to Vegas for an Elvis wedding.”

“Be smart for once. Remember, you’re still under contract to me.”

“About that. What’s really going on? Why did you hire me for the job? Is there something I should know? Or am I still your science project, like Jesus in the desert?”

“Temptations are a bore. I only played that game with the kid and a few of the more annoying saints. Read the Book of Job. One of my jobs was to test self-righteous mortals for Father, but everyone has conveniently forgotten that.”

“That’s what the movie is going to fix.”

“Among other things. I learned early on that tempting you people was unnecessary. How does the song go? ‘I’m waiting for my man, twenty-six dollars in my hand…’ What I have is better than crack, heroin, money, or love. I don’t have to sell it. People come to me to buy.”

“What exactly is it you sell?”

“Same as Father. Hope. For a better life. A brighter future.”

“Only the back ends of your deals are pretty harsh.”

“I can make your dreams come true here and now or you can hold your breath, click your heels three times, and hope that it’s all cruise ships and finger sandwiches when you die. It’s one hundred percent your choice.”

“What about the world? What about wars and famines and AIDS? Watching a million people die is probably a Marx Brothers double feature for you.”

“‘I form light and create darkness, I make weal and create woe; I the Lord do all these things.’ That’s Father talking about Himself, not me. And I never started a war except the one I lost with him.”

“That’s pretty hard to believe.”

“I’m not saying I’m an innocent, but on earth I’ve never directly instigated or fired a shot in anger.”

“So, it’s just us, then.”

As we walk down a short staircase to a lower level of the set, Lucifer bumps me with his shoulder. I miss a step and almost fall.

“What the fuck was that?”

“That’s what I do. I nudge. That’s the extent of my vast power in the affairs of mankind. I nudge. I jostle. I whisper.”

“Your nudges have a little more juice behind them than when civilians do it.”

“True. But as I said, it’s always your choice. That’s one rule I’ve never broken. In your old stories, I’m always tricking or cheating you people, but that’s something I refuse to do. Cheating you would be an admission of weakness. I would never give Father the satisfaction.”

There’s a short silence.

Lucifer asks, “When did you decide to become the loyal opposition? Conventional morality isn’t your strong suit.”

“Nothing. It’s just something someone said.”

“Let me guess. ‘Why are you working for Old Scratch?’”

“Something like that.”

“What did you say?”

“That I owe you money.”

“That’s what I’ve been talking about. You made a free choice to take a deal with me. But unlike some people, you’ve chosen to honor your debt. Did it occur to you that accepting responsibility for your actions is in itself a moral act? It certainly makes you a better man than fools like Ritchie who think they can deal and scheme their way out of anything.”

“About how many human women do you think you’ve fucked over the years?”

“That sounds like the old you. Subtle as always.”