Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim 3)

He’s blond, with the kind of sky-blue eyes that don’t happen in nature. His cheekbones look like they were sculpted by a fascist Michelangelo. I don’t know if he was grown in a petri dish or assembled from dead SS rent boys. I can’t stand to look at him.

I say, “I told you I didn’t want to see you wearing that Nazi face anymore.”

“I don’t remember my appearance being part of our bargain,” says Josef.

“Wear your real face next time. It’s easier looking at a burn-victim bug than Dr. Mengele.”

You can’t be subtle when you’re dealit c019;re ng with a Kissi, even their leader. And he’s the least psychotic one of the bunch.

The Kissi and I have one major thing in common. We shouldn’t exist. We’re both part of God’s Misfits of Nature traveling show. When the Big Bopper created angels at the beginning of time, he fucked it all up. The blowback from conjuring all those angels created both angels and their opposite. The Kissi. They don’t live in heaven with Daddy, but way out in the boiling chaos at the edge of the universe.

In their true form Kissi are fish-belly white and have a faint bottom-of-the-ocean-fish glow. They look like a cross between a regular angel and a six-foot-tall grasshopper dipped in wax and left in the sun to melt. If you’ve ever seen one, that’s enough to last a lifetime, and I’ve seen a whole world of them. That was back when I destroyed their Honeycomb Hideout way out in the ass end of Chaosville. Yeah, it’s hard to justify trying to kill off a whole species, but they were collaborating with Mason in his plan to take over Hell and then the rest of the universe. So basically, fuck ’em.

Most of them went spinning off into space and died when I wiped out their home world, but enough survived that Josef has assembled a small army of them. He did it because I asked him to. We made a deal with this particular devil a while back. I wasn’t happy about it then and I’m not happy about it now, but when you’re an Abomination, you can’t trust Hell, and Heaven hates you, so you don’t always get to choose who you dance with at the prom.

“Why are you wasting time chasing drug dealers over a dead boy? That’s not what we agreed to.”

“One, I don’t think the kid is dead. And two, whatever is going on with the kid has to do with Mason and Aelita. You should thank me for finding out what it is.”

When I first got back, the Golden Vigil’s main obsession wasn’t Lucifer, it was monitoring the Kissi. The Vigil saw Lucifer as a gelded pony. More of an annoyance than any kind of threat. The Kissi were the real danger in the universe. The only thing that could tilt all of existence toward total chaos. That’s one more thing I have in common with the Kissi. They hate the Vigil almost as much as I do.

“You promised us a war. We’re tired of waiting,” Josef says.

“I know, but remember, you being impatient is why I beat you last time. When we made this deal, you agreed to wait for my signal before doing anything. My game. My rules. What we’re planning is going to take some time to set up. If you don’t want to play in my sandbox, then fuck off back to Limbo.”

I’m tall, but Josef is taller. He straightens so he can look down his perfect nose at me.

“We’ll wait, but not forever.”

“Calm down. The big plan is still down the road, but I might have some fun for you in the meantime.”

“What kind of fun?”

“Your favorite. Chaos and destruction. Loss of life and property. Burned toast and spoiled milk.”

“I hope you’re not lying to me.”

“Is that a threat? That’s big talk for a guy who ended up with his head and body in separate zip codes the last time we went at it.”

Josef stares at me. Maybe the Nazi face is right for him after all. Like all good goose-steppers, Kissi think they’re better than everybody else. In their minds they’re high-rolling, comped-in-Vegas true angels. God, on the other hand, thinks of them as being like the black sludge that rolls into sewers. When he thinks of them at all.

“We’re done for now. I’m going inside. Keep your phone on,” I tell him, and start back to the hotel.

“The beast in your room is very pretty,” says Josef. “Her true face is, at least. Much better than that human you wasted your time with before. You should thank Mason for getting rid of her for you.”

I head back for him, trying to decide if I should rip out his tongue or stomp his ribs into marmalade. But he’s gone before I even turn around. Like I said, Josef is fast.

I go to Candy’s room, climb over the broken furniture as quietly as I can, and lie down next to her. I’m exhausted from getting up early, fighting the hangover, and torching my hand. A club like Dead Set won’t open its doors until at least eleven and I’m betting Cale won’t be there before one. There’s time to get a few hours of sleep.

Candy stirs when she feels my body hit the mattress. Takes one of my arms and wraps it around her, pulling me onto my side until my front is pressed against her back. It feels strange to be in a bed with another person. Strange in an okay way. The kind of strange a person could get used to.

I don’t even feel sleep coming on, but the room goes soft around me and I’m somewhere else.

I’m making coffee in the kitchen of the old apartment. Alice is on the sofa doing a crossword puzzle. Miyuki-chan in Wonderland, a weird fetish anime version of Alice in Wonderland is on TV with the sound off. X is playing “The World’s a Mess It’s in My Kiss” from a little boom box on the counter.

Alice says, “What’s an eight-letter word for ‘bountiful flora’?”

“I have no idea. You know I hate crosswords.”