Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim 3) - Page 155

“What happens now? Did anyone bring cake? Or is it a sleepover and we’re going to do each other’s nails?”

“Don’t be like that,” says Candy. “Your friends are just worried, is all.”

“I appreciate that, but if you want to help, we should switch beds. I need to get some stuff from under that one.”

Candy, Allegra, and Vidocq come over to the small one and I go around them to the big bed. It’s a clumsy little square dance, but we make it. Candy squeezes my arm as she goes by and whispers, “Don’t be a little bitch,” in my ear.

That’s the best advice anyone’s given me all year.

I take off my coat and throw it on the bed. I pull everything out of the coat and my pockets. I toss the cash aside. It won’t do me any good Downtown. A key to this room and Candy’s. Toss those. My phone. Toss. A pencil-thin piece of lead I sometimes use for drawing magic circles. Another toss. I carry a lot of crap.

I pull a silver coin and a smooth pea-size piece of amber out of my pants pocket. The silver coin is about the size of a quarter and is old. Like ancient old. The kind of thing Doc would have carried. And there’s the amber. It’s not big enough to be worth anything. I’ve never seen either of them before. Someone must have slipped them into my pocket. I get it. Silver is protection from evil. Amber is for healing. I don’t look over at Candy. I just put them back in my pocket.

Vidocq says, “Let me be sure I understand this. Your great plan is to do exactly what Mason told you to do?”

“Pretty much. I sneak in, grab Alice, stab Mason in the head, and I’m back in time to catch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.”

“Mason is a born liar and he hates you. Why would to. Why whe possibly tell you the truth?”

I push the mattress out of the way and start pulling out weapons from where I hid them in the box springs.

“Because the truth is worse than a lie. He took Alice away once when he killed her. Now he wants to show how much better he is than me by doing it again. It’s playground stuff, but that’s all this has ever been.”

It’s funny seeing the guns and other toys all laid out. The old Navy Colt revolver, great-great-granddad Wild Bill Hickok’s gun. The LeMat pistol. Kind of huge and useless, but I like it. There’s a cut-down Clyde Barrow–style “Whippit” gun. There are souvenirs I’ve taken off Lurkers and lowlifes. A farmers’ market of pistols. Tasers. Brass knuckles with valentine hearts on the business side. Chinese butterfly knives and weirdly shaped Lurker daggers shaped for nonhuman hands. A sharpened goat horn. My favorite is a silver stake made by a wannabe high school vampire slayer. She made it by sharpening a flat-head screwdriver and dipping it in a pot of melted dimes. The perfect weapon against shroud eaters. Only the little idiot didn’t know that modern dimes are mostly copper covered in nickel. All she did was ruin a perfectly good screwdriver and prove that L.A. schools truly suck.

“You have nothing but his word. It isn’t possible.”

“Of course it is. Mason has Hell and now he wants Heaven. Aelita wants to murder God. Neither of them wants me stumbling around and maybe getting in their way.”

“Searching for Alice will keep you busy while they carry out their plans.”

“Right.”

Traven says, “I understand how a mortal man might come up with a mad plan to rule the universe, but how does an angel fall so far from grace?”

“You’re the preacher. You tell me.”

He shakes his head.

“I suppose if I knew the answer, I’d still be part of the Church.”

“Come on, Father. Angels have been going crazy since the beginning of time. They’re another one of God’s great fuckups. Look at me. I wouldn’t even be in this world of shit if an angel hadn’t fucked my mother.”

“They didn’t cover any of this at the seminary.”

“It’s comforting to know that God’s schools are as rotten as the regular ones.”

As fun as my weapon collection is, most of it’s useless where I’m going. I have my na’at and the black blade. They kept me alive Downtown for eleven years. They’ll probably do it again. I always feel better with a gunYour with on my belt, but getting shot with any of these would just make a Hellion giggle.

I look at Kasabian.

“You want to jump in here sometime with any new info?”

He looks at the bed and says, “I’m going to have a motherfucker of a garage sale if you don’t come back.”

“Thanks for your support. Is it possible that Mason is armed up enough to attack Heaven in the next three days?”

“Troops are still coming in from all over. There are a lot of deserters, but not enough to make a difference.”

Tags: Richard Kadrey Sandman Slim Fantasy
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