“Neither is what you think. Hell is a place like any other. I was mostly in the capital, Pandemonium. It’s a city just like this. Hellions live and work there. There are markets, bars, and restaurants. There are cops and armies. Even a church. The place is on its last legs. The new Lucifer is trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but I don’t think he’ll make it.”
Allegra crosses her arms tighter against her chest.
“What about being Lucifer?”
“You think he’s all about mustache-twirling evil and temptation? Here’s the truth. He’s mostly a pencil pusher. You think Hell runs on its own? Being Lucifer is more like the universe’s shittiest middle-management job. I spent most of my time in meetings with assholes or hiding from meetings with assholes.”
“Lucifer takes people’s souls.”
I take a drag off the Malediction.
“Most people heading for Hell don’t need his help. Most of the rest are idiots who sold their souls for fame, money, whatever. Anyway, the first Lucifer gave it all up. He’s back in Heaven these days. In the loving arms of your precious Lord.”
“That means there’s another Lucifer, right? What’s he like?”
“He’s nicer than me or Samael. But he’s screwed up. I wasn’t any good at the Devil business and he’s probably only marginally better. But he’ll try harder to make Hell a better place for everyone stuck down there.”
“Who is he?”
I shake my head. Blow out some smoke.
“I can’t tell you that. It’s too complicated. But I’ll tell you this: right now the Devil isn’t the problem. It’s God. He’s not exactly growing old gracefully.”
She looks down the street like she’s trying to get her bearings, then back at me.
“It’s so strange to talk about the universe like Hell is just another little town over the hill. And the good people aren’t that good and the bad ones aren’t that bad.”
“I didn’t say that. Hell is a bad place full of backstabbing monsters that’d kill you as soon as blink. But some monsters are honorable. More honorable than some Heavenly halo jockeys.”
“What you’re saying isn’t anything that I was taught or ever dreamed of.”
“That’s how it is. In the big scheme of things we barely matter. The Devil doesn’t hate us. Neither does God, but in the end we’re just bugs on his windshield. The universe didn’t turn out the way he wanted and now he’s hanging on by his fingernails just like the rest of us.”
She opens her mouth like she’s going to say something, and closes it. I flick the butt of the Malediction into the alley.
“I’m sorry about getting so mad before,” she says. “It’s hard to take it all in.”
“Forget it. This shit is hard for anyone to understand. I don’t want to.”
“This thing you’re looking for . . .”
“The Qomrama Om Ya.”
“It’s supposed to save the world from whatever’s coming?”
“If we’re lucky.”
“So you’re back to being the guy who saved the world and killed all the zombies.”
“I never stopped being him. But mostly I’m just trying to keep all my stuff from getting blown up. Can you imagine the universe without The Searchers? I can’t.”
She stands away from the wall. Brushes dust off her sleeve.
“You’re going to need help.”
“Probably.”
“Okay.”