I drop the burning body.
“What was that?”
“Please put out my corpse and we’ll let you go.”
I get one of the beanbag chairs and drop it on the body, smothering the flames.
“Okay. I put it out. How do I get out of here?”
“There’s one more thing you must do. Take our bodies with you so they can be buried in the earth.”
“Are you crazy? What are there, twenty or thirty of you? I can’t carry that many bodies.”
A poltergeist swoops down from the wall and flicks a knucklebone from one of the unearthed corpses at me.
“A single bone will do. One from each of us. Bury them in the ground somewhere. If you promise to do that, you can go.”
“I’m going to have to mess up your little garden even more to do it, you know.”
“Do what you have to, but please don’t be cruel when digging us up.”
“How am I supposed to carry all these bones with me?”
The poltergeist tosses something in my direction.
“Look down. There are shopping bags everywhere.”
It’s a thick plastic bag advertising a 50 percent opening weekend sale at Victoria’s Secret. Pictures of attractive women in panties and bras. I fill the bag with bones, the smallest ones I can find from each body. Yes. This is exactly how I wanted to spend tonight.>“It’s not smart to mock us.”
“I’m not mocking you. Hell, I’m on your side. I’ve been dead too. A couple of times. I know how much it sucks. Come on. We’re on the same team here.”
“We will be soon.”
More chuckles from the peanut gallery.
“You will never leave here.”
“You know you’re not the first dead assholes to threaten me, right?”
“No. We’re the last.”
“I see why you were bored before. You’re boring. You’re boring ghosts and that’s just sad. You have all day to figure out spooky stuff and all you’ve come up with is ‘boohoo we’re dead and everyone with TiVo has to die.’ ”
“You’re going to die.”
“Yeah, excuse me while I ignore you.” I see shadows overhead. I shout, “Hey. I’m down here goddammit.”
“They can’t hear you.”
“Stop shouting. It’s annoying.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bad guest. By the way, you know I’m going pee in one of the corners in a few hours, right? I mean, it’s just biology. I can’t help it.”
Ghosts swirl around me again. When the faces resolve themselves this time, they don’t look happy.
I touch the wall to see if I can find any hand- or footholds. My hand comes back wet and slimy, covered in Eidolon Whiskers. The wall is way too slippery. No way I’m climbing out. I can’t see doors or openings of any kind. I take out Mason’s lighter. If I can make enough of a shadow, maybe I can come out to somewhere above and find the others.
“Adios, crybabies.”