The Kill Society (Sandman Slim 9)

“How about two more seconds? We’re having a moment here.”

He looks away.

“Now that you’re up here, I’m going to start sending you my cleaning bills.”

“Feel free.”

“They’re expensive.”

“I’ll get a job.”

“As what? There aren’t a lot of openings for wandering assassins in Heaven. The best you could hope for is bouncer at one of the beach bars.”

“Like college dudes and party bros doing tequila shots?”

“Exactly.”

I look at Alice.

“You didn’t tell me about any of this.”

She says, “Thank you, Samael. Thank you for making it a hundred times harder to get him to stay.”

He just raises an eyebrow.

He says, “They play reggae, too. All day and all night.”

I wonder if I can walk to Pandemonium from here?

“Damn. Not this fool,” Samael says. “I hoped never to see his ridiculous face again.”

“Who?”

“Oh no. It’s Michael,” says Alice. “He went to the other side. Now he’s a rebel general.”

The archangel Michael sets down gracefully on the marble. It’s easy to see why Samael hates him. He’s handsome. Like right up there with Samael’s cover-model looks. Only Michael is meaner around the eyes. If he was mortal, he’d be the kind of good-looking guy who spends too much time in bars complaining about foreigners, chemtrails, and Area 51.

Alice grabs my coat.

“Help me up.”

“Wait a minute.”

As far as I’m concerned, Mr. Universe isn’t the real problem. The real problem is the twenty other rebel angels hovering over him. Mr. Muninn invited me here, you’d think he’d be a good enough host to help me get past the damn gates. But like so many other times when I could have used a little Heavenly help, he’s a no-show.

I look at Samael.

“I suppose you can’t take sides here either.”

“Oh no. Actually, I can kill all the rebels I want.”

I hold out the amber blade to him, but once more he declines.

“I think you should hold on to that for a while longer.”

“What are you going to use, though? Can you manifest your Gladius? I saw you use two of them once.”

He sighs. “There’s another downside to being Death. I have a pretty amber blade that will kill anything, but I lost my Gladius.”