The crack about Cassandra was rotten, but I had to be sure. My worst fear was that Janet might be so far in with the Lodge that they’d turn a blind eye to anything. But their heart rate and breathing didn’t change like they would if they’d been lying. But that doesn’t make them safe. I’m still afraid Janet is walking into something they might not be able to come back from. Vidocq talked about the mystical power in child sacrifice. The younger the better, he said. What would Janet do if they walked in on something like that? I hope they’d try to stop it. What would Dan and Juliette do then? Not to mention the rest of the Lodge Within the Lodge?
Should I go after Janet? Should I stop them? I can’t. I’ve scared them enough for one night. Besides, what if I’m wrong? Janet was right when they said that I’ve had it in for Dan and Juliette. I never liked or trusted them. Then Samael comes along and sings me a little song and I’m ready to burn them at the stake. It’s possible he meant something completely different and I’ve twisted his clue around to suit myself. Why can’t angels be straight with the world for one second? This is right. This is wrong. Don’t eat the apple? Then why did you even give me an apple tree? Don’t give me parables and songs. Give me answers. Something I can hang on to. Am I right about Dan and Juliette? And was I wrong to let Janet go? Have I been right about anything along the way or did I get Gentry, Chanchala, and Thivierge slaughtered for nothing?
I consider going to Bamboo House and drinking myself horizontal, but that’s what I always do, and where has it gotten me? Pretty much where I am now—standing in a hallway talking to myself about things and people I don’t understand anymore.
I take a couple more of the PTSD pills, get on the Hog, and leave. I have to think. If I’m wrong, as I’m afraid I might be, maybe I was always better off in Hell and should have never let Wormwood bring me back. That’s always been the central question of my life: Where do I belong? Here or Downtown? If I’m supposed to be here, then I have to do what I need to do to protect my friends. But if I’m supposed to be somewhere else, then everything I do could be dragging them into the Abyss with me.
I don’t have time to get lost in my head like this. There’s too much at stake. I need someone to help straighten me out.
I drive to Vidocq’s.
He’s in a brandy mood today, so that’s what we’re drinking.
After a couple of rounds he says, “It is a dilemma, my friend. What do you intend to do?”
I swirl the sweet stuff in my glass.
“You tell me. That’s why I came here.”
He pushes some old books out of his way and props his feet on the coffee table.
“I think your heart and your head are working against each other. You say that Samael gave you a puzzling clue as to what has been happening, but you also say that you’re not sure if you’ve interpreted it correctly.”
“I don’t know what I know anymore. People are dying. Abbot’s about to flatten a whole neighborhood because I’m chasing one particular ghost. And I don’t know if I’m right about any of it.”
Vidocq puts up his hand.
“If you were still with Candy right now, what would she tell you?”
I think for a minute.
“Not to start punching t
hings too quickly.”
“Is that all?”
“To stop and think and make sure that I’m not just seeing things the way I want to.”
“There you are. That sounds like excellent advice to me.”
“But what about Janet tonight?”
Vidocq sniffs his brandy.
He says, “What about them? They’ve made their choice. Their loyalty isn’t to you. It’s to the Lodge.”
“Was I wrong about Janet all this time? Were they like Dan and Juliette all along?”
“What does your heart tell you?”
“That I was wrong. That Janet was with them and never me.”
I close my eyes.
“I keep coming back to this one thought: that I know everything about monsters and nothing about people.”
“Does that mean you intend to leave Janet alone?”