Ballistic Kiss (Sandman Slim 11)

“Perfectly.”

“Did you like the show?”

“I loved it. We all did.”

Janet looks at me.

“I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“I just need to get my stuff out of the flying saucer house.”

“You need any help?”

“Nope. I’ve got it all worked out.”

“Okay. But if I don’t hear from you in an hour, I’m telling everyone to phone-bomb you until you come over.”

“I’ll be there. Don’t worry.”

I leave everyone and shadow walk to the flying saucer house one last time. Abbot’s cleaning crew did a good job with the mess I left, but the place just isn’t what it was when I moved in.

“Sorry, house,” I say as I shove my clothes into a duffel bag. “No hard feelings.”

Someone has piled all of the paperbacks Kasabian gave me on the bed. It annoys me that they took out Ellroy’s The Black Dahlia from the hole I punched in the wall. So, I punch another one and put it back. Something to remember me by.

Another shadow walk and I’m home. Back to the magic apartment that I once shared with Alice and that Vidocq has been living in for twelve years. I guess I’ve come full circle.

Vidocq’s stuff is still everywhere. I don’t want to touch any of it until Allegra comes over and we figure out what to do with it all. Some she’ll hold on to as keepsakes. Some will go to the clinic. Other books and equipment she’ll give to Ray and some of Vidocq’s friends in the alchemy underground. Not one test tube will go to waste.

I take my duffel into the bedroom and drop it on the floor. Sit down on the bed. I can still feel him here, in the smells, the crazy art and mystical charts on the walls. His clothes and some of Allegra’s still hang in the closet. We’ll sort that out in the next few days too. What I don’t feel is a trace of me and Alice. And maybe that’s a good thing. Here I am, safe in an invisible apartment that’s rent free and only a few people know about. I know the neighborhood bodegas and all the best streets where I can hide the Hellion Hog. This is a chance to recover and regroup from the last few months. Kind of start over again. And it’s not a bad feeling.

Still, I can’t quite relax. All through the movie tonight and now in the apartment, I can’t get Zadkiel’s last words out of my head.

I’ve done something awful. Just awful.

What could the Opener of the Ways have done that’s so bad? I know I’ll find out. At least I have a place of my own to face it from. No Sub Rosa to answer to. No Wormwood. Nobody at all. It feels a little lonely at the moment, but the first few minutes of freedom are always like that, I think. When you have all the possibilities in the world, how to choose any one of them? From here, I have time to figure it out.

I’ve worked out one thing about myself and I don’t like it. I always pictured myself as in control, if not of my life, of my mind. My sense of who I am. I thought I was strong. I pictured myself as a kind of leader. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I haven’t controlled my life in years. Maybe ever. Mason led me around and sent me to Hell. Samael has played games with me. Mr. Muninn has used me. The Golden Vigil. Wormwood. Abbot and the Sub Rosa Council. I’m not strong. I’m not the monster who kills monsters. I’m a yappy little dog being led around by owner after owner.

I want to take a stand. Say that it stops tonight. But I’ve been this way for so long, I’m not sure how to change. Do I leave? Walk away from everyone and everything and start over somewhere else? Right. Who am I fooling? I can’t even set foot out of L.A. without getting the shakes. I’m the weakest person I know. And the biggest fool.

Something has to change. But I don’t know how to do it. Maybe being here—home again—will help me figure it out.

I drive the Hog to Bamboo House of Dolls and park it in a loading zone out front. No one bats an eye. Inside, Fuck Hollywood bounces over to me with a bourbon the moment I walk inside.

“I heard your bike.”

I take the drink and say, “Keep bringing me drinks like this and I’ll take you for a ride someday.”

She smiles like it’s her birthday and Christmas morning at the same time.

“Awesome.”

I go over to where my friends are gathered. Samael is buying the drinks tonight. When he sees me, he drapes an arm over my shoulder.

“It’s a good night tonight, squire. All of our problems are solved.”

We toast to the good times to come.